Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Seagal sings the blues

Heh... ever wondered what it'd be like to attend a Steven Seagal concert? Our man in Seattle, the OutlawVern wondered, went along, and shook the man's hand....

Then fuck you, jack: The Life and Art of vern - Steven Seagal sings the blues

Tuesday, May 30, 2006


Silent Running » Blog Archive » Now thats priceless.

For some reason that reminds me of the Charlie Brown series where he wore a paper bag on his head...

H/T Silent Running

Monday, May 29, 2006

Voila! A 2 car garage.

2 car garage

I used to own a bambina. It spent more time derelict than on the road. Luckily, I had a good friend who owned several, the main one of which had penguins painted on the doors & it would be seen parked in all sorts of odd places around town, & he helped me get it running.

I ended up selling it to him to add to his collection.

I only bought it because I had designs on the sister of the guy selling it (lucked out. Well mostly anyway).

Anyway, saw this in the neighbourhood yesterday. We can only speculate how they managed it. A couple of jacks? A lot of mates?

Anyway, well done fellas!

nicky watson The Picture - What's this about?

In the last 2 days, 30 out of 40 people coming by SunnyO from Google searches were looking for "nicky watson, the picture feb 2006" and various permutations.

What have I missed?

nicky watson The Picture feb 2006 - Google Search


Glenn, in a comment to this post, tells me Ms Watson has recently graced Picture magazine's cover, with a frontal topless shot.

But wait, there's more. Save the trouble of looking up a dodgy soft porn mag on the web - go straight to the source - Nicky's model agency.

Scroll down for pictures of Nicky Watson. Topless.

Hello Google.

Ponder also, that: "Nicky Is Available By Special Appointment..."

you wish.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Busy, so very quickly....

Been looking round MySpace...

Can anyone tell me what it is for? Other than some multimedia type chat/hookup thing for Auckland models? (Actually, that may say more about where I looked - and to mitigate, I surfed in on a link provided by Russell Brown in the Listener, to Nicky Watson's page). Apparently.

I registered, and in the space of a day have been invited to join three dating/make-out groups. I haven't even set up a profile yet!

And on another topic, I think that every & any blogger or commenter who uses the term "Ad hominem" in any way shape or fashion from now on, should send me a dollar. You know who you are, you pompous, unimaginative, cliche-ridden fucks. Nothing personal, you understand.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Scarf labelled "gay" by man dressed as lead singer of the Village People.

It does look gay though.

STUFF - Man's scarf 'bit too gay' for police


Continuing a theme...

"Llew - don't know where to find a man with a funny handshake but I did sit some Extra Mural exams at the Lodge Hall in New Plymouth and that was a bit spooky - photos of all those strangely dressed old codgers looking down from above ! It seems that the anti christ is going to make an appearance on 6/6/06 which is my nephew’s birthday and he will be 6 years old but his name is not Damian." – Chooky

Chooky’s comment in my Holy Grail post below reminds me. I never did tell you who the Antichrist is, did I?

Well y’know, I was all set to, exhaustive googling research suggested the AC was likely to be one of three men:

Joe Ratzinger
George W Bush
David Hasselhoff

I was leaning towards Bush at the time, because I kind of half remembered some stuff I heard at primary school. To the effect that the Nostradamus had written one of his quatrains saying the antichrist would be “the son of a king” and some other stuff about the son becoming king. Or something...

Anyway, back then, school wisdom had it that they must be talking about John-John. That is, JFK Jr. And that the apocalypse would start in the Middle East, shortly after John-John became president of the USA.

Then John-John died in a tragic accident. And who’d have guessed that another son of a former president would emerge to take the er… throne.

But I no longer subscribe to this theory because I don’t think Nostradamus wrote any such quatrain. And if he did, it could mean pretty much anything, or nothing. Like the one about the fiery meteor that came to nothing. And if Nostradamus really knew his shit, he’d have told us where the Holy Grail was.

So… I’m actually writing this to assure Chooky that her nephew Damian isn’t the antichrist, because information did come to hand last year which pretty much confirmed to me who the antichrist really is. I was set to publish it.

And then out of the blue, this albino monk knocked on the door… and made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And it’s sweet, Ratzy (what we affectionately call him in the firm) put me on the payroll.

But don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not Joe. Ratzy’s just an associate, entrusted with keeping these things under wraps. Think about it, if the Vatican were to reveal and defeat the antichrist, that’d pretty much be the end of it. Aside from keeping the Holy Grail under wraps, and a few other things. No, the antichrist’s agent’s lawyer had called Ratzy & asked him to have the Rules explained to me.

Bottom line is, I cannot divulge the name.

However, The Arcane Rules of Antiquarian Mystery ™ do allow for me to give three, cryptic clues. In fact it is insisted upon, so that the mystery can deepen, and grow. I do not know exactly why this is, but rather than just keep quiet about it, the Rules say that teasers are mandatory. They will appear in the next generation’s version of the Da Vinci Code type thing.

So… I ramble. Here are the clues to what I believe is the identity of the antichrist.:

In arcadia harpo est ergo sum
Tom Cruise
Ellen deGeneres

Just don’t blame me if some weird looking albino knocks on your door.

Oh, and quick update

Handshakes are becoming redundant meaning that it's going to be a lot more difficult for members of secret societies, or members of societies with secrets, as the freemasons like to put it, to recognise each other.

In the future it will be done by slipping the secret word (or mason's word, as the freemasons like to put it) into everyday conversation.

I have it on good authority that one such secret word is "shibboleth". So try it, "It's a bit shibboleth out there eh?"

Now you are forewarned & forearmed. Your bank manager is a good prospect to try it on.

Further update - I did quiz Keith Ng as to what masons & the like would have to do to recognise each other - he helpfully pointed out that they'd use Bluetooth like everyone else.

Shit you need to know about.

Inspired by my current search for the Holy Grail, I got talking to this guy on Magpie Lawn last night. He’s a lawyer. So he must know his stuff right?

I’ve also just been reading the Wikipedia entry on Umberto Eco’s Foucault’s Pendulum. Which has been described as the thinking man’s da Vinci Code. I read it years ago, and it is dense. Basically, the protagonists work for a publishing house that handles works such as The Holy Blood & the Holy Grail, and its ilk. The publishers take elements from all the nutty conspiracy books they have published, and for a laugh, enter them all into a computer program which mixes them up, adds a few items, and comes out with The Grand Conspiracy theory.

And it is tosh, and they have done this to amuse themselves. But then it appears they have inadvertently struck conspiracy gold & one of them is ritually murdered by the ancient secret society that they thought they’d created for a laugh…

Anyway, on the lawn, I wondered aloud whether the upcoming Code movie would be any good. Opining that since the basis of the story is utter twaddle, the best we can hope for is a solid thriller.

But my lawyer friend was better informed than that! It’s not twaddle at all in fact. Luckily, the Templars weren’t mentioned (except I did check whether he could put me in contact with one). And I was told a lot of arcane stuff that is going on in this world that we know nothing about, stuff that the mainstream media don’t report because… well who knows why actually, maybe because it’s rubbish. But I didn’t mention that. And I can’t remember the details because it sounded like Foucault’s Pendulums made up mish-mash. And I’m not a very attentive listener. So guys, no need to sic the albino monk on me OK?

Meanwhile, google hits through the roof as the world searches for Knights Templar. Wonder what happens if I mention Opus Dei?

Anyhow. Other things learned last night, which possibly you will hear here first. Not (so far as I’m aware) related to the Holy Grail or anything. Just important things which will be happening in the world soon. SOON! Apparently. And which the mainstream media will refuse to report. For some reason. And my mind has probably garbled them beyond recognition. It‘s mostly oil related.

1. Venezuela has recently been found to hold the largest oil reserves in the world. Supplanting Saudi Arabia.
2. Hugo Chavez will soon become the head of OPEC
3. Venezuela will want payment in Euros
4. Iran has struck a deal with China & Russia & will supply all their oil, and they want payment in Euros too

So what does all this mean? Buggered if I know actually, except that Saudi presumably loses a lot of its strategic value to the US. The US dollar falls through the floor & the Euro becomes the world standard.

As Jack Palance once asked… Truth? Or Bullshit?

meanwhile... since we're on secret societies & conspiracies... what's with that cycling group that Parliamentary messenger attended with the Telecom guy? I'm hearing strange rumours about them!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I'm having trouble finding the Knights Templar in the phone book...

St Simon of the TemplarsYou may remember that last April, as the world awaited a new pope, I took it upon myself to unmask the Antichrist. It was just a little public service, I figured.

Anyway, we’re so over him now, and onto our next crisis of someone else’s faith in the leadup to the release of the Da Vinci Code:

The whereabouts of the Holy Grail

Is the grail some old cup? Or some old person? Or, as Michael Baigent, Dan Brown and God knows who else reckons, a family bloodline? (Oops, my bad, in case that spoiled the Da Vinci Code for anyone (it was the Vatican Messenger whodunnit).

At this stage of the proceedings, I have no clue as to where the Grail rests. If there is any justice, it’ll be, as Neil Gaiman wrote in one of his short stories, sitting in a 2nd hand shop waiting for some old dear to take a fancy to it. Keep your eyes on Antiques Roadshow! “Ooh – I have the greatest pleasure in telling you that your family heirloom toby jug, is THE Holy Grail!, should fetch a few quid at auction.”

But I digress. I lack the time to visit the Rennes le Chateau & start digging. So I’m going to need some inside knowledge. A few clues…

I need to speak to a Knight Templar (that’s their patron saint Simon in the picture).

I know, I know, you want the world to think you were all massacred around a thousand years ago, but rest assured, come forward & keep all your personal details confidential, we have privacy laws after all. All I need is some verifiable proof that the Holy Grail exists, its location, and one publicity shoot of me with the Grail in various humorous poses.

So put the word around – if you, or any of your relatives are freemasons especially, have them mention this to their Grand Master Poobahs, or whatever they’re called, if anyone’s going to know a Templar, it’ll be them. Or indeed it may be them!

Comes with complimentary cholesterol test

Over at the Wellingtonista, we're trying to find the region's best bacon sarnie. Your contributions would be welcome.

But a comment there reminded me that I really have to tell you folk about two fantastic sandwiches which (I'll check at lunchtime) are still to be had.

One is the "Breakfast sandwich" from one of those gourmet sandwich places in one of those streets running beside Kirks, from Lambton Quay to Featherston street.

It loses points because it is prewrapped, but it consists of: bacon, black pudding, egg & baked beans. It really is quite something.

The other, and by far the best, is the Rib Eye Steak Burger from a place called Sizzlers in the BNZ centre. This place is pretty much a greasy spoon sort of affair, steak & chips, bacon & eggs, burgers & chips, chips, chops, eggs, wedges, bacon & sausages. And a small selection of paninis.

The Rib Eye Burger is the jewel in their crown. The steak itself is about 2 inches thick & 4 inches in diameter, it's between two burger buns, and includes lettuce, tomato, mayo, tomato sauce, and a whole lot more.

Uncorroborated rumour has it that should you upgrade & ask for it to include a fried egg, bacon & cheese, they will give you a complimentary cholesterol test & a handy, easy to interpret chart telling you roughly how long you have left to live.

I highly recommend it!

the wellingtonista: The Bacon Sarnie Experience

Heh heh...

A medal you say?

peterquixote: IIew's photo

It's a beautiful day

Coincidentally, happens to be playing on the radio...

It's a beautiful day

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Help us find Wellington's BEST Bacon Sarnie!

the wellingtonista: The Bacon Sarnie Experience

It's a mission.

Woof! The balls on my billiard table have frozen…

Actually, that’s not true, I don’t have a billiard table.

But our office water cooler froze over the weekend. Impressive!

Meanwhile, I need a new hat. I have no idea what happened to last year’s hat, daresay it will turn up shortly after I have located & paid for a new one.

Hats are a dodgy purchase for me… gales of laughter usually accompany the first try on in front of the troops. Imagine a Mr Potatohead in a beanie perhaps.

But anyway, the hat is needed when the mercury drops to the 11 mark. I find my usual outdoor (evening dog walk) ensemble, supplied by well known fashion houses versatile enough to see me through most weather:

Caterpillar boots - bought in Shelly’s of London more than 10 years ago & still going strong
Kathmandu Apocalypse pants – will see you comfortably through The Big One, or several Small Ones
Rodd & Gunn heavy duty rugby jersey
Kathmandu Force 10 jacket – this is the warmest jacket I have ever owned!
Line 7 gore-tex raincoat
Line 7 multi pocketed vest - for all those accessories… doggy bags, doggy treats, torch, carabina, cellphone, 50m river rope, cross country skis, sleeping bag… you gotta be prepared for any eventuation…
Thorlo socks and Macpherson Men’s underwear (no way am I ever appearing on the web in playboy Y-fronts!)

I can usually be found out & about in any combination of the above. But my ears have been a bit pink the last few evenings… and a good hat is hard to find.

Anyway, some recent viewing at Chez Llew

Closer – Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Clive Owen & Jude Law being shits to each other in London. No really, that’s about it. Decide for yourself whether Law is typecast as himself. The acting is top notch, even Roberts. Only Portman survives the running length with any vestige of audience sympathy intact. And actually, pay attention throughout to what she says her name is. It’ll have you wondering at the end.

In Good Company – Dennis Quaid & Topher Grace being shits to each other. Scarlett Johanson in solid support.

The Island – Obi Wan Kenobi & Scarlett on the lam. Tosh, but solid popcorn fare. Send in the lycra clad Clones….

Sideways – this one is really good. The gifted Paul Giamatti & his best mate Thomas Haden Church go on a road trip looking for good wine & even better women in sunny California. Also has Sandra Oh & Victoria Tennant. It is very funny.

Million Dollar Baby - Oh man! This is sad. Clint Eastwood is surely the greatest living American auteur. But let's have a happy one next eh Clint? But maybe not with orangutangs or anything. Hilary Swank is quite something though.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A word of Warne-ing

No matter how famous you are, no matter if you're the best in your field, in the world...

If you're invited to someone's flat to shag two, reasonably notorious tabloid slappers, chances are they're on the payroll of the News of the World or someone similar, and you, your family, all your friends & enemies are going to be giggling over their cornies when the morning edition arrives.

So don't, for christ's sake, wear your Playboy logo undies. Don't even wear them when you're not expecting a 3-way. Your mum really won't be impressed.

News of The World ::: Slideshow*

*May be disturbing for young or nervous viewers.

And didn't the DomPost call it a plush luxury flat? The bed folds out from the wall!

peterquixote: magic mushroom

peterquixote: magic mushroom

Ahah! That explains all the extra foot traffic through the Bot Gardens....

Three's plenty eh? I bet Shane Warne would agree with that.

While we're on things quixotic. Do check this out. It's lovely.

Monday, May 08, 2006

And further... you'll know it's really over when...

Jason Gunn & Michael Barrymore appear in their own televised two man variety series, singing & dancing up a storm (show tunes & standards), mugging for the camera, upstaging their guests, and bickering over which is the "straight" man of the partnership.

On that note...

In which we email a mate, and pass comment on television these days.

Mate, last night I thought it must be all over. The end appeared to be nigh...

Not just Telecom, but the entire stock exchange, national pride, the economy, in short, civilisation as we know it.

we were watching this stuff on TV, never heard of it before, but a bunch of has beens & never weres (and one impossibly hot ex-Miss Universe, for which we can forgive at least some of what went on - particularly later in the series, when, in time honoured dancing with the has-beens tradition, she should surely prance around in her smalls...) appeared to be attending dancing lessons.

Then, this odd person that Graham Reid reliably tells me is a transvestite called Candy Lane (apparently, TVNZ baulked at Penny's fee) announced

"If there's anything I love watching more than people dancing... it's a man who can sing"

and into centre stage bounded Jason Thingee.

We were going to head for the high ground, certain of the impending apocalypse, then realised we were there already, so we battened down the hatches, drank a shitload of wine, and hoped like hell Lorraine would get her gear off before we went to meet our makers....

Other thoughts

- Beatrice is this year's Norm
- Christine Rankin is this year's Bernice - she will be first to go. And someone should stop Jason lifting up her skirt to show us her legs. With a hammer if necessary.
- Steve Gurney is a twat.
- I know it is a forlorn hope, but a law should be passed to keep Jason off our screens. Or at the very least, to prevent him from singing.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Van Dyk asked for $1.45million

Netball is a prominent topic of discussion around Chez Llew... I live with 2 experts...

and so it was with some interest that we noted today's news item on Irene Van Dyk's counter offer to the Mahoney Corporation's pitch for the star to move back to the Wellington Shakers. Costly van Dyk stunned sponsor

The headline on the front page screams: "$1.45m, What Van Dyk wanted to play in Wellington"

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to play in Wellington at all. And who could blame her? In fact, the article actually states:

"that she was not interested in playing for the Shakers and would finish her career with the Waikato-Bay of Plenty Magic"

But I have some sympathy for Mike Mahoney:

"Mahoney said he had gone public with the attempt to secure van Dyk because he was upset at suggestions the Shakers were doing nothing to attract players."

And while I don't blame him for being upset, I do actually disagree strongly with suggestions like this - Shakers look to be dogmeat again - that "The problem of underachieving lies in successive years of poor enticement and recruitment of star players to the franchise by the Shakers board and sponsors."


In my opinion, the problem lies in successive years of poor selection & talent development.

I've seen the Shakers that will be in 10 years time, and they'll be dogmeat then too, while the real talent gives up in frustration & moves on to other sports. And interestingly, I'm paraphrasing someone who probably knows...

If we have to rely on attracting stars from other regions, then we don't deserve a representative netball team.

The problem lies squarely with the coaches, and selectors. Take off your blinkers, guys & gals. First class sport is about who performs best, learn to recognise those who do.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Always with the questions....

Why is it, that as we beaver through life earning just enough money to keep the family fed, clothed, and equipped with iPods, we're said to be:

"making a living",

yet, when we're earning far more money than we arguably need for those purposes, we're said to be:

"making a killing"?

Where is Max Cryer when we need him?

Another thing that irritates me about newspapers...

When any artwork appears in the news, it'd be nice to see a picture of it. Van Gogh sells for $US40m