SunnyO

Cough.

2010-03-17T15:38:00.002+13:00

I'm over here now.

The Man from Earth

2010-01-24T21:12:00.009+13:00

I just saw a movie that quite floored me (in a way that I haven't felt since I first saw John Sayle's Lone Star, more than a decade ago) - The Man From Earth, which I found in the Science Fiction section of the Wellington Public Library.

Quick disclaimer: There are no special effects whatsoever, most of the movie takes place in one room. I haven't checked, but I'd not be surprised if it was once a play.

Dr John Oldman has unexpectedly resigned from his job as a university professor. His colleagues pay a surprise visit to say farewell, and they're curious as to why he's leaving.

They get a truckload more than they expected - imagine you discovered that one of your colleagues was immortal & had been around for 14,000 years or so & didn't stay in any one place for more than 10 years? Or at least, claimed so. What would you ask him?

This is quite an educated script, as far as I can tell, regarding human evolution & religion (not that I'm any expert, but I suspect I know more about both than the average bear). What if you did meet someone like this, what would you ask them to confirm their stories?

They ask him some really clever questions that I'd never thought of, as well as all the clever ones I did think of.

The ending, if not all of his revelations (the wolf whistle has been around since cro-magnon times), caught me by surprise. I wept.

But that might just be me at the moment.

It's been a rough couple of years. Everything will change, I'm hopeful, for the better.

I have joined the circus.

This blog has ended. Its time has gone, but it's been good to me. And I feel a bit sad.

Like they used to say at the end of the James Bond movies:

Llew will return.

I'm just not sure when, where, nor indeed, in what guise.

BTW: I've really enjoyed Summer Noelle, Matinee Idle, & the summer seasons of Backbenchers & Media 7.

And hah, Glee - never mind Susan Boyle, imagine being at that the very first audition of that chick that plays Rachel! I mean holy hell. Puck makes me laugh too. Shit songs, major talent.

New Year

2009-12-27T22:51:00.003+13:00

If you had the opportunity to change everything, absolutely everything, even (maybe) your identity, would you? And what would you do?

Medal winning dancer.

2009-12-09T13:56:00.004+13:00

He was clad all in black: black shirt, black belt, black pants, black socks, black shades, black soul...

He swooped up the steps to the church hall as if in slow motion. He swept through the double doors of an adjoining room, they flapped closed elegantly behind him, in his mind's eye, a pigeon launched itself from the rafters, over his shoulder and out through the doors before they closed. "Whatever happens next", he thought, "This part's choreographed by John Woo."

Shit was about to go down.

Without pause he crossed the room in slow motion, surveying the occupants, a circle of seated men, all looking at the apparition that had just burst in. "Hey", he thought to himself, "there's that guy Pete from ....." He nodded. Then he wondered, not for the first time in his life "Where are all the women?"

A young man stood up from the circle, gave an unsure smile and said "Welcome to our erectile dysfunction workshop."

The man in black didn't flinch. Inwardly, he wondered if anyone could make out his eyes behind the shades. Looking only at the young man, he squeaked "Um... the social dancing medals?"

The young man looked deflated and only said "Next door."

"Sorry." The man in black spun around, and in glorious slow motion, swept back out of the room, knowing that he would never, ever visit ..... again.

And so last weekend, I danced foxtrot & cha cha for my first 2 Dance, Social Medal. My allocated time was 9.30am. I turned up at 9.00am so that I could sort out my partner for the dance (one of the very advanced women), and run through so that I didn't fluff up my steps.

When I got there I found they were already 50 minutes behind time. And so that gave me the chance to check out the others. These ranged from beginners like me, dressed in (black) "smart casual", to the highly advanced, and highly glitzed up mega-dancers.

First up was a young guy doing his 2 Dance Social too. I thought I could do better quite frankly. Then came a young woman in a gown, dancing her 4 Dance Social. I definitely could not do better than that.

There were the elegant, the stompers, the simply beautiful, the cool, the nervous, and the enthusiastic.

The judge spent most of the time chatting to the lady next to her, rather than watching the dancers, so I figured there was scope for improvisation.

There is a ritual to these things it turns out, when my turn came, Shona, my designated dancer & I held hands, walked to the lady doing the music, introduced ourselves & made very small talk. Then we approached the judge, introduced ourselves again & she made small talk about how to pronounce my name (like it's spelt: Llewjoihowicz), told her what we were doing - 2 Dance Social, foxtrot & cha cha.

And then we were up. Approximately one minute of each dance. I cannot remember what music was played.

My foxtrot was pretty good in my opinion, I didn't fall over, nor did I step on anyone's toes. My cha cha was OK. The audience clapped & cheered, but then, they did that for everyone.

Oh, and at the end, Shona & I curtsied & bowed to the judge.

I presume I got the medal, I find out whether with distinction or whatever, next week.

And yes, all sorts of diverse meetings do take place in other rooms of the community building in question.

Was Sobran based on me?

2009-11-09T14:21:00.002+13:00

I think a while ago I read or heard someplace that the Kapiti Coast author Linda Niccol was heartily sick of people approaching her & saying "You know so-and-so, from your short story Thingamibob? Was she by any chance based on my great aunt Mildred who lives down the road from you?"

At the time, I thought this was a bit precious, if it were me I'd be grateful anyone had read the story at all.

So anyway, I was at an old mate's 50th recently, and who should be there? I bounded over:

"Hey Linda"

"Hey Llew"

"Hey Linda, you know the fireman character in your story the Waterbores?"

"Yes", she said suspiciously.

"Of course you do, heh. Anyway, I was wondering if he was based on my brother-in-law Richard who lives down the road from you."

"No." (Very curtly.)

I'd have followed up with small talk, or possibly even confessed I did it on purpose (although I had always wondered), but across the room, who should I spot but Elizabeth Knox, and I was suddenly curious to find out if the angel Xas was based on Bill Manhire.

The Ballad of Rodney (and Yoko)

2009-11-05T23:08:00.006+13:00

Standing in the airport in Auckland,
Trying to get to London first class
The man from the press said, you'll make such a mess
We'll let you off if you will give us a dance.

Christ you know it aint easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me.

Finally made the plane into London,
Shacked up in a 5 star hotel
The PM called to say
You can make it o.k.,
If you both move to a fleapit motel

Christ you know it aint easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me.

Flew from London to the Toronto Hilton,
Just been in our bed for a week.
The newspapers said, say what you doing in there?
I said, We're only trying to make our ends meet.

Christ you know it aint easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me.

Spending up your money on a holiday,
Business class hilarity.
Last night the squeeze said,
Oh boy, when all's said
You'll put those seven hundred
On the dole - SHIT!

Made a lightning trip to Los Angeles,
Drinking protein shake from a boot
The newspapers said, she's gone to his head,
He looks like a baked bean in a suit.

Christ you know it aint easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me.

Caught a recent plane into to Christchurch.
Told some folk the PM's a sloth
The men from the press said, we got to report this,
And now I get to face JK's wrath!

Christ you know it aint easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me.
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me.

Mt Vic Lookout

2009-10-14T15:16:00.002+13:00

Been years since I visited there. But recently, after attending the wake for a guy called Laurie Langston, I drove up & took a look at the city. Pretty cool eh?

Two things I Did This Weekend.

2009-10-14T15:00:00.002+13:00

Can we do it? Well, turns out, yes we can. These are the first two of several planned "raised beds". We're going to build several more in this area & grow all sorts of stuff. Starting with corn and capsicum in one bed, and a mixture of lettuces & rocket in the other.

These were dead easy to make, I bought the timber some time ago & due to lengthy debate about where the beds would be positioned, it was a while before construction began. But all in all, construction, shifting the (home made) compost, planting and watering took only two days.

These are 3m x 1.5m x 0.3m. I'm going to do a bunch that are only 1.2m wide too, which is easier for shorter people to reach across.

I can make you one or some of these too, pretty cheap. Flick me an email if you're interested.

Spring at SunnyO

2009-10-14T14:47:00.001+13:00

I musht be in heaven

2009-09-03T16:59:00.002+12:00

I browse the job sites now & then, just in case that dream job turns up. That includes the Government job site, not that I think the dream job will turn up there, but something interesting might well & that can be fun too.

Well today a real interesting one turned up. Field Collection Officers, NZSIS.

YES! "Field" Something "Officers"! Spooks!

Intrigued I dug further.

The vacancy says this:

Working in conjunction with investigative sections in one of our core business areas, you will be part of a team that builds and maintains relationships with people of interest and relevant to our national security. To accomplish this, you will be required to establish contact and interact with a wide range of people and form an effective working relationship with each. You will need to be capable of modifying your behaviour to integrate with the range of people you will meet and the different environments in which you will find yourself. You will also be able to empathise with people whose view you may not share.

Can't you see it?! You'd be a "liaison" with narks from sundry groups (the Greens?) and ne'erdowells that might threaten your life with a switchblade knife (what a guy, makes me cry undt I did).

I've read le Carre & Deighton, Fleming too, I know this means "Tradecraft"! And sure enough, the job description is online for all to see.

And past the usual blurb we see:

Tradecraft: Use appropriate tradecraft to support meetings with agents, potential agents and intelligence interviews. To identify and apply appropriate mitigates on security issues related to agent handling; to operate in accordance with accepted best practice and standard operating procedures

"Appropriate tradecraft", I like that. Lots of scope there.

No mention of tux allowance and Aston Martins, but I'm game to speculate there'll be "dead letter drops", and cool surveillance equipment. Wires. Maybe the odd "wet job" too.

There might even be times for disguise & funny accents.

Don't you love this country? There's no covert recruitment from universities, there's just an advertisement on the bog normal government jobs website.

Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours...

2009-08-24T13:12:00.000+12:00

This had us chuckling in the weekend, essentially, after an 18 month dispute over a sewer pipe running through his property, a man cut the pipe at the boundary and capped it, leaving the neighbour with nowhere to go.

Neighbour cuts sewer pipe | Stuff.co.nz

What was particularly amusing to us is that we know both parties, one used to shear our sheep, the other sweeps our chimneys.

A portrait of the artist wearing Toxic Shorts

2009-08-19T14:36:00.004+12:00

Everyone's got their costumes for special occasions, I've got a dinner suit upstairs that has seen a few formal outings, I have suits & jackets for work, I have certain clothes for walking the dog, pretty much the same set for gardening & an old business shirt & the Toxic Shorts for painting.

Actually, I retired the Toxic Shorts today, and replaced them with the shapeless track pants I bought for $5 in Rebel Sports about 5 years ago wore only once because people would stare at me in public.

The Toxic Shorts were bought some years ago on Castaway Island in Fiji, they were white & blue, with the Castaway Island logo down one side. I bought them for swimming togs, but only wore them once in the sea as they went completely transparent.

Their appearance, transparency aside, was not so great that I'd consider wearing them to a social occasion such as a barbecue, so they became painting attire.

No-one's painting attire looks stylish, but every appearance af the Toxic Shorts brought such remark, that the shorts achieved some level of family notoriety. Garlic cloves & crucifixes would be dusted off & worn prominently.

I was painting tongue-and-groove in the laundry today, it's a long story, but the clothes dryer got moved, the vent hole was plugged, the tongue-and-groove sanded & filled & then glooped over with something like a cross between putty and undercoat (it hides a lot of sins - there're a few borer so this is just a stop gap until the wall cladding gets replaced at some unspecified future time.) Today I applied the first top coat.

At some stage Mrs Llew popped in & noted the absence of the Toxic Shorts. But she said "What the hell is with that hideous old T shirt?"

"Doesn't it make me look like Marlon Brando?" I enquired.

"Yes, but not the young one." Was the final judgement.

Still, the laundry wall looks better than it has in years.

Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!

2009-08-18T14:01:00.005+12:00

Am I the only person who is wondering if the dog that that Tongan guy barbecued in Auckland the other day was registered? I mean, he can get a refund on his registration fee if the dog dies. Yeah right.

Am I the only person who thought "One less neglected pit bull terrier cross off the streets"?

Am I the only one getting more curmudgeonly in my old age?

We slaughter thousands of animals in all sorts of disgusting ways every day for food, leather & soap (check those ingredients sometime). We euthanise hundreds, if not thousands of dogs for sundry reasons each year... you see where I'm going with this right?

Ask yourself, what would Kwai Chang Cain do?

2009-08-12T11:51:00.000+12:00

Stoush over Wainuiomata monastery - Stuff.co.nz

It still grieves me that he was found dead in a hotel cupboard with his dick in his hand...

Scenes from another planet

2009-08-11T12:19:00.004+12:00

Were "theme parties" a 1980s thing? Or does every decade subject itself to the phenomenon?

Here's the picture that will shortly embarrass a friend of mine on the anniversary of his half century on Earth.

I avoid theme parties these days, but it appears there were times I pulled out the stops. Must have been drunk. I recall I was wearing a cute vampire for a lot of this evening. Must have liked bananas.

Scenes from another century

2009-08-11T11:43:00.008+12:00

The brother of an old friend emailed me the other day, he asked if I could search out any old & embarrassing photos of his youngest brother, in time for his 50th birthday. And so I found myself in the attic, dredging out scenes from my life from so long ago, they were printed on paper. Many have degraded to the point of unscannability (is that a word?).

I remember having multiple copies of this photo made around 1978 or 1979 for everone involved. It was taken at Staglands in Upper Hutt. The camera was sitting on the top of someone's car.

Included are myself, 4 guys I went to college with, two guys who were in my 1st stage English tutorial, two friends of one of those guys, and two friends of one of those friends. Among others, they're who I hung out with much of my time at university.

These people can be variously described, without doing them any justice whatsoever, and only accurate at all at that point in time - many of these people have changed in ensuing years. But they included the sporto, the "good bloke", bookish guy, the "complex" one with a hint of narcissism that irritated everyone & bludged cigarettes, the party girl, the accountant to be, the muso, the serious drug consumer, the chick everyone wanted to shag, and the chick everyone did shag. The lines between them were a little more blurred than that suggests though.

Apologies if you're in this photo, you choose which one you were OK?

I flatted with one of them for years, and I know where all are at the moment, save for 3. I still catch up with 3 of them regularly. Some are overseas. Not all of them still have hair.

Will work for good cause and money.

2009-07-16T13:50:00.004+12:00

OK, I'm on the lookout for work. No wait. Now I think about it, I'm on the lookout for money, and if I have to work for it, well so be it. I'm not proud.

Fact is, I'm superfluous to the business I've been working in for the last 3-4 years, part of my job was to automate things & reduce overheads.

I did that part really well - I have saved the business a whacking $8k a month. Not counting my salary!

But actually, what it is, is I have time on my hands right now, and what better way to use that time than by making money!

But here's the rub: the thought of returning to an 8-5 corporate IT job just kills my soul. I've applied for a few, had a few interviews, and have completely failed to find any enthusiasm for the process at all. Mrs Llew recognises this & is very, very supportive.

I've pottered around the orchard, marketed a few nuts (not enough to sustain the lifestyle to which I am accustomed though - we don't have enough nuts, I mean, to give up the day job, so to speak).

This is not to say I've been idle, around sundry parts of the lower North Island I have variously: trimmed, cut & chopped; scraped, sanded back, filled and painted (although Mrs Llew has heroically painted also); dug and planted many varieties of tree; concreted and mortared; lifted lino and hardboard; arranged sanders and polishers, and telecom and electricians; moved beds, chairs, chests of drawers, TV cabinets and a HUGE old TV back and forth around the country; listened to weeks of Radio NZ, and hours of Timeless Hits; and sprayed dangerous chemicals over fruit trees.

And I must say I found that last one a little disagreeable, and I will shortly do a Handling Hazardous Chemicals certificate and get much better headwear than the mask and goggles I own (thesxe are chemical strength & good quality, but I feel I need sturdier headwear than that, something like a sou'wester with eyeholes perhaps).

I've done some writing, but have neglected all the blogs to which I supposedly contribute, have hardly commented anywhere at all... but I do draw the line at waking at noon & wandering aimlessly around the house in my pyjamas. In fact, I don't own any pyjamas anyway. I also never turn on the TV before the evening news, if then.

Mrs Llew playfully suggested I may be going through my mid life crisis. "Hello" I said, "Do you see a '68 Mustang ragtop outside, and/or a hot 25 year old? That's clearly not the case."

Women have no idea atr all how to conduct an enthusiastic mid life crisis.

So what to do....? I saw a cute seeing eye puppy today, it was in a MacDonalds, heroically trying not to react to the smell of food, not an easy task for a labrador pup - I thought that might be a really cool career - bringing one up I mean, not being one. I suspect that's a voluntary thing though.

Or a professional poker player. That would also be cool. I wonder if I'm any good at it.

I'll take suggestions if anyone can be bothered, I'm thinking laterally, something worthwhile & enjoyable, possibly something part time, not necessarily something that pays megabucks, you can take it as given that I won't be retraining to be a lawyer or anything. And don't email me any job descriptions for IT manager for an insurance firm OK?

You don’t need a fiscal stimulus if you’ve got Jesus

2009-07-08T12:27:00.007+12:00

Heh. Words of Wisdom from Chase me ladies, I'm in the cavalry.

One of the things about living between two houses is that you often find yourself moving furniture between one or the other, then, when something changes (like the impending arrival of someone to stay for a year or so) you move it all back.

So yesterday, I was in a borrowed Toyota van, moving a double bed back into town, and a single bed, and sundry other items, back up the coast.

Someone else's car can tell you lots about the owner: it may be messy, or pristine, full of ciggie butts, or other odds & ends, but the most joy by far, is to listen to someone else's choice of radio channel.

I'd change the station, but last time I did that with this van, I'd failed to notice which frequency I'd started off with, and it was mentioned to me that leaving the dial on Radio NZ was not appreciated.

So yesterday I decided to leave the station as was & I tootled into town to the strains of variously:

Bend It - Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Titch
12 Steps to Love - The Tremeloes
I Write the Songs - The Guy Who Wrote the Songs
Something by Dean Martin that I didn't recognise

I misted over slightly at that Pony She Named Wildfire, I marveled that it had been a long time since I'd heard Jonothan Livingston Seagull (and I have now renamed one of the characters in my nascent novel, Jonathon Livingston Segal).

At Pukerua Bay, Michael Jackson's Ben* segued perfectly into something by Roberta Flack & the rest of the trip was spent with Mana FM, who seem to specialise in Motown funk & R&B.

On arriving home, I told Mrs Llew that I wasn't sure what was scarier, the steering or the radio station. Mrs Llew revealed she'd made a passing comment to the van's owner a few days ago, about the singer Pink. The van owner asked "Who?"

On the return trip, the Supremes on Mana FM sputtered once, and morphed into a Jackson song so heinous, that my mind had blocked it out until now & channels I tuned into pretty much deny its existence, no mean feat for a Jackson song at this time - The Girl is Mine (The Girl is Nine?), a feeble duet with Paul McCartney. He was a lover, not a fighter, apparently.

I endured ABBA's Dancing Queen, Queen's Another One Bites the Dust, Buddy Holly's Oh Boy, The Streak by Ray Stevens, and surprisingly, Hello Sailor's Blue Lady followed by Midnight Oil's Power and the Passion..

I warbled along to It Never Rains in California, Roy Orbison Crying, and gritted my teeth to Sir Cliff's Devil Woman.

I didn't catch the station's name, but much mention was made of "Timeless Hits", for which the cutoff date seems to be around 1975.

* A quick word at David Gest, who hosted an MTV show of MJ's 40 "Greatest" videos the other night on TV, Ben was not a song Jackson wrote about his pet rat, it was the theme to the 1971 movie Willard, a mediocre schlocker about a guy with a rat called Ben, whose friendship goes horribly wrong.

They've found the Rock!

2009-06-29T21:15:00.000+12:00

Or the Church... I can't remember which one Paul was. Oh wait, he was the bass guitarist.

But anyway, it seems someone's opened an old tomb, and OK, it's been rumoured for eons to be the tomb of the Apostle Paul, but they appeared to be satisfied that this is indeed he, because carbon dating says the bones date from the 1st or 2nd century.

That settles it, it has been long known that the only person to die in Rome in the 1st and 2nd centuries was the Apostle Paul.

Tests confirm St Paul's bones - Pope | Stuff.co.nz

Hell yes.

2009-06-28T23:34:00.004+12:00

I just watched the Jim Carrey film, Yes Man. it's the one with Rhys darby in it.

I'm not a huge Carrey fan, but this does have quite a few laugh out loud moments. It also has a few, y'know, Jim Carrey moments, but they're the exception rather than the rule - he's pleasantly toned down for a change & the film is funnier for it.

Carrey is Carl, a guy who hasn't got over his marriage breakup 3 years ago & makes excuses not to have a life. His friends are giving up on him, particularly when he forgets his best friend's engagement party.

Anyway, he attends a self motivation convention featuring an Uber-creepy Terrence Stamp "Say yes a million times and then say it a million times more, what you have just said 2 million times is...?"

"YES" his followers roar.

In a very embarrassing exchange, Carl enters into a covenant with Stamp to say "Yes" to every opportunity that presents itself.

On his first day, Carl takes up flying, Korean, and guitar lessons (all of which come in handy down the track - the singing-the-suicidal-jumper-off-the-ledge scene is particularly inspired), drives a homeless man up into the hills & gives him the use of his mobile phone. Just like in the Secret, the universe starts giving things back to Carl big time. His life does a 180 degree spin, his friends start to like him again, he hooks up with Zooey Deschanel, and gets a promotion.

He starts to treat people better, he attends a Harry Potter theme party at the home of his boss (Rhys Darby doing Murray), which I thought was one of the funniest sights I'd laid eyes on until the 300 theme party later on in the movie. Imagine please, a near naked Darby clad in leather undies, fake beard, sword, shield and horn rimmed glasses roaring "We are SPARTAAAAA!" It's chilling.

There are downsides... there's a scene with a randy old lady that had me covering my eyes.

But on the whole, I'm quite taken with the film and the concept, I have resolved that from tomorrow morning, I shall be alive to opportunities.

Of course, I have the advantage that I have seen the end, where Carl learns that it is OK to say "No" now & then.

SO I won't be: learning to fly, bungy jumping, getting a blowjob from an octogenarian (nor anyone that is not called Mrs Llew). Chances are slim that I will drive a hobo anywhere.

But aside from that, and with all the fine print terms and conditions applying, hell YES!

After the referendum

2009-06-21T17:18:00.004+12:00

Everyone be vigilant, if Larry Baldock, or anyone else behind the wording of this odd question (should it be legal to control parents' behavour by smacking them, apparently - look, I heard Baldock telling Sean Plunket* what HE thinks it means, & my take is grammatically more valid than his) ever rails about falling literacy standards, we should have grounds to demand our $9m back.

* I think that Plunket, as a journalist was more upset by the assault on the English language than the issue of child assault, every definition proffered by Baldock was met with a frustrated (and correct) "But that's not what it says."

And uh... you're going to have to look for that plunket interview link yourself, it's been months since I posted & I'm exhausted after this. It'll be on the Radio NZ site somewhere

Alexander the Director's Cut

2009-05-04T12:57:00.000+12:00

I finally caught Oliver Stone's Alexander. Reviews of the original version suggested that all the film's highlights were in Colin Farrell's hair...

Well same for the director's cut as it turned out.

Pretty so so... but if you're in the mood for a film about a rowdy Wham tribute band brawling their way aroung Greece & Asia Minor, it's probably worth a look.

Alexander (film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Fresh figs

2009-04-07T10:57:00.000+12:00

In the last few weeks I've tried fresh figs for the first time ever. Not just fresh figs, but homegrown fresh figs!

Actually, we lived in a place with a fig tree once before - it was too tall to reach the fruit & the birds got every last one, every year. SunnyO has a fig tree too, and it's much smaller so the fruit is within reach. However, for the last several years, the birds have consumed every last fig well before they ripened enough for humans.

But this year, I purchased a number of diverse lengths of bird netting. I netted off grapes (partially successfully) tomatoes (very successfully), and the small fig tree (EPIC result!).

Figs are very nice, they're better when they're slightly squishy than when they're firm. I recommend you try some if you have the chance.

(Sorry for lack of photos of homegrown figs).

Figs/Ficus - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Some Thoughts on the Botanic Gardens | the wellingtonista

2009-03-19T17:00:00.000+13:00

Cross post from the Wellingtonista.

Some Thoughts on the Botanic Gardens | the wellingtonista

Remember the SRA booklets at school?

2009-03-13T14:26:00.002+13:00

I can't remember what it stood for, I'll punt that the "R" is for "reading" though. ANyway, someof the more interesting stories involved Niagara falls - there was the tale of Blondin (was it?) who repeatedly tightrope walked over the falls, and there was another, at least as bizarre3, about the ~~loonies~~ daredevils who rode over the falls in various barrels & vessels. For many, it was their last act of recklessness.

Anyway, from this story - some guy survived the other day, he was barrel-less - and it ends with this salutory piece... a good place to earn a Darwin Award, if that's your thing.

But stunts at the massive waterfall are much less common, with the last known attempt in 1995 when an American man attempted to ride a jet-ski over the falls and trigger a parachute. His body was never recovered.

I wonder if the jet ski was though.

Man survives Niagara Falls plunge | Stuff.co.nz

More stories

Fun with (big) numbers

2009-03-13T12:54:00.000+13:00

How much is a trillion dollars? | Whale Oil Beef Hooked

Hat/tip Whaleoil (what the hey, he's nearly housetrained these days), via DPF

Great Moments in Sub-Editing. # 1

2009-03-13T08:30:00.000+13:00

Hayden Panettiere is reportedly trying to get her ex-boyfriend kicked off of hit television show Heroes.

Break-up causes trouble for Heroes | Stuff.co.nz

As You Do

2009-03-12T08:45:00.000+13:00

So I was looking up Roger Kerr in Wikipedia... have a look & see if you can fathom this bit of his bio:

Kerr was a senior figure in both the New Zealand Treasury and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. He met an untimely end at the hands of switchblade killingsworth in 1979.Pussy.

Roger Kerr - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Aww... another sad animal story

2009-03-05T16:50:00.000+13:00

Penguin flatmate run over | Stuff.co.nz

Senior Sergeant Richard Hocken, head of Wellington's strategic traffic unit, said speeding and racing were known to happen in the area, but speed bumps were not always a practical solution.

"To be honest, I'm dubious when people call for speed bumps, it's often a knee-jerk reaction to issues they see themselves. There has to be some good reason for them."

Um... to slow cars down? Anyway, it's sad (and funny in a way) but Juan Carlos' demise was probably unavoidable.

Watchmen - is it any good?

2009-03-05T13:07:00.000+13:00

Depends, it seems. Although the experience is supposedly better if you've read the comic.

Reelviews Movie Reviews - Watchmen

Henry's Swansong

2009-03-04T16:18:00.001+13:00

I'm a sucker for sad animal stories, although this one's quite a tale (and I typed "tail" there can you believe it?). Henry the swan, Thomas the goose, and more recently, Henrietta, the other swan, living in a happy menage a trois until now.

So long Henry, we never knew you.

Henry's death ends a feathered threesome | Stuff.co.nz

Property is theft?

2009-03-02T16:39:00.000+13:00

OK, time to expose my ignorance again. Who can tell me WTF "property is theft" means & why?

I've heard it for years, but having just come across the phrase again, it strikes me that while I know what it means, I can't quite get my head around why they say it means that.

The mere fact of owning something is theft because it denies someone else? But theft from whom? Wouldn't it have to be someone else's property in order to be theft & that would make them thieves too?

Head hurts.

Here's where I saw it:

And here's what Wikipedia says (Marx - Karl, not Groucho - agrees with me.

Join the Internet Blackout - Protest Against Guilt Upon Accusation Laws in NZ — Creative Freedom Foundation (creativefreedom.org.nz)

2009-02-23T10:29:00.000+13:00

Pretend this website os blacked out. I mean, it would be if I wasn't busy & had time to figure out how to do it. But as someone else mentioned - this blog blackout thing is REALLY going to stick it to the government (slight sarcasm) - it's symbolic right? Know what I mean guv?

Join the Internet Blackout - Protest Against Guilt Upon Accusation Laws in NZ — Creative Freedom Foundation (creativefreedom.org.nz)

Unique lifestyle opportunity coming to the market for the first time.

2009-02-19T13:35:00.000+13:00

Playboy will consider company sale - Stuff.co.nz

Still the best TV opening credits ever

2009-02-09T14:11:00.001+13:00

RIP McGoohan.

Trebuchets at Taupo

2009-02-05T09:29:00.000+13:00

Courtesy of Murry at Hittingmetalwithahammer

YouTube - ImaginosFilms's Channel

Cool TradeMe Auction

2009-02-05T08:59:00.000+13:00

Two remote control underwater vehicles for sale! Suitable for checking on your mussel farm, affixing limpet mines etc.

Remotely Operated Underwater Vehicle Project for sale - TradeMe.co.nz - New Zealand

Pity I was actually looking for a post hole borer - these are way cooler than that.

Hero on the Hudson - think you're as good as Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger

2009-02-03T16:44:00.001+13:00

Prove it. Land your stricken airbus on the Hudson River.

Hero on the Hudson - Free Arcade & Classic Game from AddictingGames

Don't call me sexy, Potter star says - Stuff.co.nz

2009-02-03T15:51:00.001+13:00

The Harry Potter star, Emma Watson, apparently:

does not want to be known for her looks, and has no interest in starring in raunchy photo-shoots.

I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that's not me. I feel uncomfortable. I'd never go out in a mini-skirt. It's nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I wouldn't do that.

Don't call me sexy, Potter star says - Stuff.co.nz

That's a relief then

Somewhat brilliant advertisement

2009-02-03T15:07:00.000+13:00

Making of vid here

Amusing new Air NZ advertisement

2009-01-29T08:41:00.002+13:00

I urge you to click through...

From the folk at unrulymedia.com (if you click through, that "sex" tape is NSFW-ish)

New Ventures

2009-01-26T16:10:00.003+13:00

First day back in the office today. Why do we have to come back just as the really hot weather begins? I'm struggling with shoes & long trousers... but hey,. I always do.

We harvested 125.1 kg of macadamia nuts, add that to the 98.3 kg we harvested in July & we have a few to dispose of now. Bear in mind that they'll lose one quarter to one third their weight when dried.

But anyway, we're prepared now, we even have retailers interested. Look for them in discerning outlets. And hey, do I have to remind you to buy local? Unless you're reading this from far flung parts, in which case I'll remind you to be broad of mind & buy something exotic.

You'll know them by the cool logo designed for us by the lovely Nicole from Chattanooga. Is that cool or what? I mean the fact she's from Chattanooga. Anyway, the logo:

And here's the other one Nicole whipped up, this one's for any other produce we er... produce in future, and possibly for sending irate letters to the local council. As much as I hate twee names for houses, ours has had its for more than twice my lifespan, so we'll keep it for now. May even get a new sign made up along the lines of this!

In other news, Wilma caught the rat she was stalking for a week or so from the time she first laid eyes on it. It would cross a 2 metre gap between a huge phoenix palm & our pump house, always between 5 & 6pm in the evenings.

The first two nights Wilma was too slow & we saw her jumping vainly in the air under the tree, and the next night trying to dig a hole under the pump house. She'd been sitting there for ages, pointedly not looking in the direction the rat came from each evening, but her ears were tilted behind her.

On the thirs evening, all hell broke loose, she's a smart dog & third time the rat found it's escape was blocked by a tricky labrador & it found itself stranded in our vegie patch. Half a dozen corn stalks later, the rat made a heroic dash for a small hole under the house.

So next day I blocked that. And the hunt continued for a week or so, until one night, me & Mrs Llew (we got a thing going on) were at the supermarket & we got a txt from our daughter Marzipan saying "Wilma killed the rat. What do I do?"

Well we turfed it of course.

In other local fauna news, last Friday, while walking down the beach, I curtailed a long boring description someone was giving me about 9/11 conspiracy theory DVD with a hearty "HOLY SHIT!"

"What?" the crowd pleaded.

"There's a seal!" And 50 metres ahead, sure enough, there was a seal emerging from the surf.

I managed to catch Wilma just befopre she launched herself at it, I suspect it would not be so keen on canine company as another dog would.

The seal basked in the sun, hollered at passers by who came too close, groomed itself & appeared to be showing off.

Later, my friend Hamish turned up with a camera, so I may have photos.

It was a good Christmas, a smallish one for us, only 15 people or so, we had rellies from the UK come & visit in the new year, we were picking about a kilo of fresh raspberries a day from the canes the whole time, we got to try the plums this year before the birds ate them all & I have netted off figs, grapes, and tomatoes from the same birds, so we may get to try those too.

And hey, it wasn't all bucolic loafing, I have completed a solid 500 words or so of the novel so far. And it's hilarious, if I say so myself.

There's probably more, when & if I remember I'll blog it in the usual disjointed manner.

Man dies after retirement party hijinks

2008-12-18T14:26:00.001+13:00

What a bummer start to retirement.

Man dies after retirement party hijinks - Stuff.co.nz

In other weird news, a man has offered his daughter to the infamous shoe thrower. I hope she's hot.

And ~~Satan's~~ Santa's Army is on the march...

Light blogging for a month or so while I rest, relax, harvest nuts, strawberries, raspberries, avacados, mow lawns, write my novel & wonder where my money went.

Aside from the odd bereavement here & there, Chez Llew has had a great year & we expect an even greater one next.

I may post between now & then, but if not, have a really great Christmas & New Year y'all.

The TAWAs: All The Info | the wellingtonista

2008-12-18T10:59:00.000+13:00

Aw man, I'm so slack I didn't get around to pimping this august occasion - the Third Annual Wellingtonista Awards (hint: next year will be the FAWAs).

In fact, I didn't even get around to voting!

Anyway, I can't make it, you should go though, if you can, they tell me I had a great time last year.

The TAWAs: All The Info | the wellingtonista

And Furthermore.

2008-12-16T12:05:00.000+13:00

OK, I'm not yet used to being namechecked on Radio NZ National (they'll always be National Radio to me), but I'm working on it.

David was kind enough to bring this idea to Kathryn Ryan's attention.

The Parliamentary complex has a perfectly functional banquet hall & if the current regime are keen to see departments squander less money on "retreats" and conferences, perhaps they could offer the hall & the services of the in house caterers to all departments at a discount.

But furthermore, it occurs to me that there are several other grand "State Houses" around so that departments would not be confined to visiting the same venue year in year out. There's Government House for instance, Premier House, that place on the Terrace (or is it Bolton St) thet Bill English dossed in during the Great Potato's regime - feck it is huge.

But most of all, there's a venue that offers all* the experiential fun of Outward Bound - the Civil Defence Bunker beneath the Beehive. Those agencies tired of slumming it in a sleeping bag on a scout hall floor, can slum it in a sleeping bag on a wire bunk beneath the centre of this country's power.

And to digress for a moment, if this arrangement had been in place all those years ago, pause & momentarily ponder what sleeping bags & sleeping attire might be sported by Christine Rankin & 45 of her top executive team at the WINZ Hunker in the Bunker Annual Retreat (TM)

Radio New Zealand National : Programmes A-Z : Nine to Noon : 20081215

*Statement may be subject to gross exaggeration

House Guests

2008-12-08T12:39:00.002+13:00

When we arrived home the other night, the front porch was strangely covered with dried weeds & grass. How odd we thought.

Later, Mrs Llew cleaned it up. The next day, I was on my way inside when a big blackbird seemed to launch itself out of nowhere in front of me.

Then I saw it.

There are two eggs in there, and occasionally a watchful bird. It looks so like a christmas decoration we're going to embellish it slightly & try to remember not to turn on the light.

Not so Fast, a Possible Late Entry...

2008-12-01T11:33:00.001+13:00

Mary-Kate Olsen reportedly pregnant - Stuff.co.nz

Game Over

2008-12-01T11:30:00.000+13:00

We have a winner.

Big pay day for Ashlee's baby Mowgli - Stuff.co.nz: "Bronx Mowgli Wentz"

The long running game by the world's celebrities to give the most reckless, irresponsible & downright reprehensible name to their spawn has finally been won, by Ashley Simpson.

The Soundtrack to your life.

2008-11-20T16:51:00.002+13:00

So what is it goes through your head as you confidently slope around town? I must shamefully confess that on my way to work this morning, the offending song was "Long Haired Lover from Liverpool" by Jimmy Osmond. But that was a freakish and disturbing aberration.

Usually, of late anyway, and no-one who knows me will be surprised, I'm sure, it is SO me, it is this:

Paging Drs Splatt and Weedon!

2008-11-20T13:52:00.001+13:00

Prompted by this excellent story on how men are the only winners in the prostitution law reform, featuring salient comments from National Council of Women of New Zealand president Elizabeth Bang, I asked my colleagues at the Wellingtonista if they know of a word that covers surnames appropriate for certain professions or office - like for instance, Dr Payne the dentist.

There's no single word, but a term has been coined: Nominative determinism.

And there are some great examples, Cardinal Sin, Lord Justice Judge, but my very favourites are Drs Splatt and Weedon, world famous urologists and experts in incontinence.

That's one ugly dog.

2008-11-11T16:42:00.000+13:00

Peru offers Obama a hairless dog - Stuff.co.nz

DIY Tips from SunnyO #1

2008-11-10T13:55:00.002+13:00

Trust the man with the experience.

Weed Spraying Tips:

Beware of spraydrift.

Be careful where you walk, especially do not tread weedkiller throughout property.

New Zealanders living longer.

2008-11-10T13:40:00.000+13:00

See, one day into a new Conservative government & the news is all good. Thank you Mr Key. And Mr Hide. And Dr Jekyll.

New Zealanders living longer - New Zealand news on Stuff.co.nz

Fantastic comment

2008-11-10T10:44:00.001+13:00

Over at Kiwiblog.

Crimes have been committed - money stolen, people hurt and killed for no reason, the country betrayed.

Winston | Kiwiblog

Must get me some of those category things so that I can categorise things under "idiocy" and the like.

The need to swiftly arrest and bring to trial Labour and Green MPs, as well as that fat slug Jim Anderton, is imperative. Some of them are already planning to flee the country with state assets.

Who knew things had got this far?

And, it's educational.

2008-11-07T14:31:00.003+13:00

Steve Crow & the Boobs on Bikes Team demostrate the difference between "For Sale" and "For Rent".

Click for bigger image.

'Boobs' parade ends at Parliament - Stuff.co.nz

Campaign Slogan that Wasn't.

2008-11-05T09:18:00.000+13:00

I don't have photoshop, if you do, you're welcome to this:

Live Free - Die Hard, New Zealand First

Harder to kill than Rasputin

NZ First Cleared By Police

Funny.

2008-11-04T08:54:00.000+13:00

goNZo Freakpower Brains Trust: Donde esta la chopper?

All Hallows Eve

2008-10-31T15:50:00.000+13:00

When I was a kid, there wan't any trick or treating. Or at least, not where I lived. For starters, we lived in a cul de sac on a hillside bordered by a canal on one side & woods on another & open fields on a third.

In those days, in that place, Hallowe'en was about ghouls, witches & monsters roaming the woods waiting for hapless children to catch & eat. It was all a bit Hansel & Gretel. I daresay in my grandparents' days there'd have been wolves in them thar woods (now those woods are a massive ticky tacky housing development & probably have more ghouls & witches per hectare than there ever were then).

It is autumn in those parts, and in those days, daylight saving was unheard of & so we'd huddle inside from the dark & the cold & play rustic games like "bobbing for apples" (involved trying to eat apples floating in water withpout using your hands) and something with toffee apples hanging from a string (which you also had to consume without hands). My dad would roast chestnuts on the open fire.

And in a week's time the entire neighbourhood would congregate on the fields around a massive bonfire setting off fireworks ^ sparklers, and yes, roasting chestnuts (and potatoes) on an open bonfire. Didn't seem to worry about ghouls & witches on that night.

The Hellingtonista! [maniacal laughter] | the wellingtonista

Because There are Some Things Worth Looking Stupid For.

2008-10-29T08:45:00.002+13:00

Without a shred of evidence - I am certain of this.

2008-10-23T16:30:00.001+13:00

Winston will already have been approached by the Dancing with the Stars people. They'd have to give him Rebecca (the others would be too tall). He's probably declined because I can't see him in skin tight fishnet shirts (more to the point, I won't watch that).

But I am certain he's been approached.

Sas' Magical Mystery Tour: separated at birth: #2

Is it just me?

2008-10-23T16:11:00.002+13:00

Everytime I hear this:

I hear this:

Yes, that's the Eddie Munster kid in Lidsville (funny, I always thought it was the execrable Jack WIld (RIP, I just found out).

Oddest thing to cross my desk (so far) today.

2008-10-21T13:53:00.000+13:00

Views & News from Continence Conference

The biennial conference of the New Zealand Continence Association took place at the Kingsgate Hotel, Te Rapa, Waikato from September 12 to 14. The general theme for the confernce was Investigating Incontinence - Humanity and Technology. A wide range of topics were discussed. This magazine presents selected and edited reports.

I don't think we need to get into the er, business of the matter.

Aliens will fix world's problems - later today.

2008-10-14T16:15:00.000+13:00

Relax, it's all going to be fine, a psychic called Blossom Goodchild says so., In fact, she says that benign aliens will "come in love", today, and sort things out for us. Possibly with vibrators.

I only hope they're really hot & wearing lycra.

Aliens to arrive today - psychic - Stuff.co.nz

Crackdown on Christmas crackers

2008-10-13T09:05:00.000+13:00

Hee - I could wear a sensible water flow regulation (6 litres per minute isn't it though), but if the Gummint is trying to play down the "nanny state" aspect, they need a new strategy.

Crackdown on crackers - Stuff.co.nz

Following years of carnage exacted in freak Christmas cracker accidents, I'm astonished to learn only now that they are classed as "fireworks" and subject to importation of explosives regulations.

Cool.

Painters - Gallery - Ken & His Gal

2008-10-08T15:15:00.000+13:00

Painters - Gallery - Ken & His Gal

She's gone now.

Earlier stories here & here.

Hikers find Steve Fossett ID, belongings

2008-10-02T15:18:00.000+13:00

The Thot Plickens

Hikers find Steve Fossett ID, belongings - Stuff.co.nz

The Sarah Connor Chronicles

2008-10-01T14:27:00.000+13:00

Yay!, season 2 of the Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles starts next week. And bonus, there's a new T-1000 on the block, and it's played by Shirley Manson.

Shirley Manson - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Oh - and yes, Torchwood is improving - I skipped the one with the dead guy/ghost, because that looked silly, but I really enjoyed the one with the people who took off in 1953 & landed half an hour later in 2006, that was quite moving (although the guy who plays Owen is a dweeb). And the one where Tosh & Jack end up in 1941 meeting the real Capt. Jack Harkness was good too - in fact, for a moment there I thought the old man/caretaker who seems to be able to travel through time might be the original Dr Who!

The Goose is Getting Fat

2008-09-30T16:57:00.005+13:00

Cripes, Christmas is coming faster than expected.

This year, Christmas will be hosted at SunnyO - it's a big enough place that we've successfully hosted up to 50 people in the past, and there's a motel 5 minutes walk away for people staying longer who can't be accommodated onsite.

Mrs Llew is from a big family... 7 kids (I think, at last count), there'll be 4 generations of her family on board. If you watch the series Brothers & Sisters you'll know the drill - the gay sibling, the addict, at least two of them not talking to each other at any given time, the brother who left his wife for Sienna Miller, and years & years of secrets, intrigue & grievance *.

I'm from a family whose numbers are fewer & dwindling... I offered to host because I thought it'd be nice for my mum to spend her first Christmas without her daughter among family. My brother was committed to another excursion & can't make it unfortunately. And to complicate matters, my Mum is determined to spend Christmas alone.

It's shaping up to be a goodie already.

* Not all of these apply in real life.

Apologies for the lack of photographs recently, it's a long & boring story, but I'll find a camera & make the effort soon - the garden is very photogenic in Spring, especially when the lawns are mowed.

New Toy Alert

2008-09-30T14:04:00.001+13:00

I'm not a huge fan of lawnmowing. Nor am I a huge fan of lawn mowers. Nor any machinery really.

Which is ironic, because I have nearly 2 acres of lawn & more small engined machines on the property than most people have in their lifetimes.

And in my defense, I inherited most of these machines when we bought the property.

I brought my own chainsaw and a linetrimmer, but in addition to that I now have:

Another chainsaw
Another bigger (you have to wheel it around) linetrimmer
A chipping machine
A cheap lawnmower
An ancient ride-on mower (Countax brand, although remove the "a", and move the "o" and you can guess how I pronounce it) which no longer picks up the clippings & mainly flattens the lawn rather than cuts it.
An old farm trike, which we've only managed to start twice because the pull start is so munted.

And there are sundry electric devices too - a yard blower, which is a waste of space, and a nut de-husking machine, which looks like junk thrown into a heap & bolted together, but it works real well.

The ride-on has caused the most trouble, it's estimated at 20 years old & has already cost us more than $1k getting the catcher fixed, which lasted nearly a year.

We've muddled through Autumn & Winter with the mowing, but the spring flush beat us this weekend.

It takes, they say, 5 hours to mow all of our lawn. I wouldn't know because I've never done the whole lot in one go. And the last few months have hardly seen 5 hours of sustained dry weather.

This weekend we bit the bullet & decided we needed a new mower - not just a mower actually, but something to tow the trailer around the property since we can't get the trike running.

So down to Borat we went (Note, he just looks like Borat & has an unidentifiable European accent). I was thinking a John Deere, because everyone tells me they're the Stihl or Husqvarna of the mower world - ie, reliable & long lasting. We've put this purchase off for a while because quite frankly, we could buy two relatively new model Japanese cars for what one of these things goes for.

But Borat recommended a Kiwicat Cheetah II, which looks like the sport version of the Cuntox (did I say that?). He said the things never break down & they're made from standard parts, and a Honda engine & they do a great job.

So we took him at his word, we could have bought 1.5 2nd hand japanese cars for the same price, but what the hey!

Anyway, bottom line is Mrs Llew is pleased with the croquet lawn for the first time in 2 years. It was worth it.

I still hate doing lawns, but this thing has twice the cutting width & should therefore get through the lot in 2.5 hours! We'll see.

Oh - and it is Kiwi made!!

Next week perhaps, adventures in selling old ride-on mowers & farm trikes on Trademe.

TV's hottest women?

2008-09-25T15:37:00.000+12:00

Meet TV's hottest women (+pics) - Stuff.co.nz

I don't think so.

Mildly NSFW

No grounds to censure Peters

2008-09-23T15:16:00.000+12:00

Oh well... if you can't beat 'em....

No grounds to censure Peters - Cullen - Stuff.co.nz

Dr Cullen said the evidence had to be greater than MPs believing it to be true, because Mr Henry and Mr Peters denied it.

If I am ever up on charges in court, I sincerely hope that the judge subscribes to the same logic.

I mean seriously, What. The. Fuck?

Road-rage driver burns to death

2008-09-23T15:01:00.000+12:00

Another contender for the Darwin Awards.

Road-rage driver burns to death - Stuff.co.nz

And this reminds me of a story I read in one of the local (Kapiti) newspapers recently, I wish I'd kept it as I can't find it online.

Anyway, some young guy was burning rubber doing doughnuts in the street, he had a bit of an audience, so showing off, he opened the car door...

...and fell out of his moving car (WAY COOL & CLEVER), which narrowly missed running over & killing him. The car careened across the road & into a lampost. An injured man limped to it & shamefacedly drove away.

Police found him shortly afterwards, at home, bleeding profusely.

They did name the doofus, but I can't remember what it was.

Anger over demise of Kiwi lollies

2008-09-19T13:29:00.000+12:00

I wonder how many of those angry at the end of these (in my view, horrible) confections, have actually bought them in the last few years?

You vote with your wallets if you want things to remain on the market.

Anger over demise of Kiwi lollies - Stuff.co.nz

My Mum, the Prize winning gardener

2008-09-18T13:02:00.001+12:00

I popped out to see my mum yesterday, she's been laid low with a bout of bronchitis - the first time she's ever suffered that particular ailment. She's had a rough year, but she's pretty resilient.

Anyway, she looked & sounded better than I expected, the drugs must be working.

And she told me an amusing story (which, fingers crossed she doesn't check here...) is not always the case :)

Last Friday, while laid particularly low, she got a call from a friend urging her to enter her camellias in the Lower Hutt Horticultural Show on that weekend.

Mum is a bit of a gardener, but not hugely so, and she was sick at the time of the call & so she told her friend that she wouldn't be bothering, she didn't even know the show was on & she was not a particularly dedicated camellia grower - it is possible that the only attention these bushes have ever received was when they were planted a few decades ago.

Her friend persisted, and irritated, mum told her she was welcome to come & pick some flowers, but she herself wasn't at all interested.

And that's the last she thought of the matter, until she got another call on Sunday telling her she'd won 1st & 2nd prize in the "Novice" section of the competition.

camellias - Google Image Search

When I told this to Mrs Llew last night, she pointed out that it is conceivable that some decades ago I was called out to dig holes & plant the camellias in the first place.

I considered that for a moment & it dawned on me that I am the prize winning camellia grower!

Freaky dolphin sh... stuff.

2008-09-15T16:07:00.000+12:00

Wild dolphins mark passing of Marineland's last performer.

Kelly's guard of honour - Stuff.co.nz

Caribou Barbie

2008-09-08T16:03:00.000+12:00

Absolutely priceless

College OTR OTR: Sarah Palin as "Caribou Barbie" Realized

Hat/tip to Kerry Weston

All competitions should be like this

2008-09-08T15:21:00.003+12:00

I just won a Snapper card which has been pre-loaded with some amount of money that I can't quite recall.

Entry was via an email link from the e-magazine of a company I do business with. All I had to do was click the link & answer some (forgotten) skill question in the subject field & click send.

A second or two later the message bounced back with an error. A little sniffing around revealed that they'd made a typo in the email recipient's address.

I corrected it & sent it back.

I surmise I was the only one who bothered to rectify the error :)

Torchwood - I have an issue

2008-09-04T11:56:00.000+12:00

Been watching a couple of episodes of Torchwood - the one with the fairies at the bottom of the garden (liked it), and the one set in the Brecon Beacons (a desolate place that I've mentioned before on this blog someplace - it's the Welsh equivalent of the Desert Road, complete with army manoeuvres, and that episode was so-so.).

Anyway, here's my issue:

If Capt Jack is invulnerable & immortal, how come he lets Gwen crash through the farm door first, so that she collects a shotgun blast? Doesn't it make sense to send the unkillable one in?

Sheesh. It's little things like this that can ruin a show. Aside from that & the feeling that a couple of the cast at least can't do action to save themselves, I like it.

BBC - Torchwood - Homepage

Meet the Governor.

2008-09-03T13:24:00.003+12:00

Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska reclines on the carcass of a Kodiak bear she has just killed with her bare hands & dragged in from the backyard after the luckless beast wandered into the Gubernatorial mansion looking for salmon in the fish pond.

A weary but satisfied Gov Palin then tucked into a King Crab lunch prepared by her staff.

Next issue: Old Youtube footage of a bikini clad Gov. Palin machine-gunning elks.

Brian Lochore on Political correctness

2008-08-27T16:50:00.004+12:00

It may well be the reporting to blame, but can anyone make sense of what Sir Brian is saying?

Brian Lochore: Political correctness destroying NZ - Stuff.co.nz

"We are living in a PC world which is destroying us, where you actually can't put the hard word on people when they have digressed and committed bad blunders," he said.

Um... Just let us know who's transgressed (I presume that's what you mean) Brian, and we'll send a few of the boys around. No sweat.

He said his daughters went to a rugby game at three weeks old, and later played in the mud while their dad downed a jug in the bar after a game.

"In the evenings we went to the rugby parties with the kids, who slept in the back of the car. We can't do that any more because we haven't got rid of the perpetrators that actually destroy our society."

Say what? I kind of get the first bit: people are no longer free to get pissed while the kids play outside in the mud (was the motorway not handy?) and later sleep in the car, bacause the olds are STILL in the club pissing up large. I'm not quite sure who he's blaming for this state of affairs though. Unless by "perpetrators" he means the Gummint.

"The one thing I believe is important in life is respect. They respected authority, they respected teachers, I respected the teachers. We lack a great deal of respect for authority nowadays, there's always someone protesting."

He says that like it's a bad thing. I have little doubt that protesters protested in his day too. But hey, he's free to state his opinion, even if he thinks others shouldn't.

Sir Brian admitted to smacking his children, "but I've never hit them".

"Yes, I smacked other people's children, but I never hit them. But we are not allowed to do that any more in this PC world."

Dear me. And good.

So to summarise:

NZ is being destroyed because people who respect authority are no longer allowed to take vigilante action against those who may have transgressed, parents can't leave their kids unsupervised while they get pissed somewhere else, we can no longer physically "discipline" our & others' children, and too many people are protesting.

It's a disgrace I tell you!

The F-All Plan Diet. And Labradors.

2008-08-21T14:39:00.005+12:00

The Kelburn Vet Clinic rang me the other day to remind me (I hadn't forgotten) that Wilma was due for her 12 monthly checkup and vaccinations.

Actually, I had been a bit remiss, I got the reminder a month ago, and only last week I found lump on her side that I thought should be checked out promptly.

My reservation was that Wilma is clearly a little... stout at present, and could do to lose a few kilos before coming under the watchful eye of one of the vets (they seem obsessed with weight & teeth - of your pets of course, although just as an aside, the two primary vets are very svelte and attractive, and have exceptional teeth, so maybe this is some sort of unconscious projection.)

The clinic is a few houses along from our place, but a few houses in the opposite direction to that which Wilma & I take on our daily walks. So she was apprehensive the moment I corrected her trajectory with a breezy "This way." She knows that means to change direction.

She started to get really worried when I shortened the lead as we approached the vet's, she's used to taking a very wide berth past their doorway.

And in we swooped! Wilma spinning slightly as she settled to patiently, and rather optimistically, face the exit.

While no-one was looking, I coaxed her onto the scales. 34.4 kg. Bugger. Fat Bitch. A receptionist appeared at the computer terminal & enquired as to her weight. I was entirely honest.

And I was slightly gladdened in one way, to see that we were to be attended by a new vet who wasn't familiar with Wilma's history. And slightly disappointed that we weren't to see the hot female vet (not that I make a habit of channeling Jon Arbuckle or anything). And then totally disappointed to discover the new guy had a printout of her history.

"ooh. She's put on some weight!"
"Um. Yes."

Wilma was pretty much dragged across the polished floor into the consultation room. Every time she was urged to stand up to be examined, she kind of slid down with her back to the ground, a puzzling but highly effective manoeuvre

Her teeth checked out - we've been keeping her from the macadamia nuts this year. She was led out the back & had a biopsy performed on her slightly worrying lump (fat deposit, nothing to worry about). She took her vaccinations like a brave little dog should.

And then I took the lecture about fat pets. Although this was from the new guy & not so bad as usual, the Fat Pet Lecture from the boss is infamous around Kelburn. You should hear the guy whose lab is 47kg moan about it.

And I learned that avocados are poisonous to dogs.

"They can't be that poisonous!?" I queried, "Wilma has eaten LOADS!"

But anyway, in the interests of regaining her waist, and her preferred upper limit of 30kg, she's now on the avocado-less diet. And the carbo-free diet (aside from whatever is in dog food naturally). And reduced rations of the labrador specific dog food I only bought the day before yesterday. Whatever will they think of next to part me from my money? Although to be fair, I bought it because it came with a free doggy travel bed. They have cool free stuff with dog & cat food now & then.

And it won't take that long to get her down to 30kg, we've done it before.

Phil Lewin

2008-08-19T11:29:00.004+12:00

It's fair to say that the death of my sister in March has cast a pall over this year. The pain from the loss of someone close never really goes away, but it does get easier to bear. However, it may be a while before I regain the spontaneous inspiration to post that I used to enjoy. Somehow this year hasn't been as funny as others. That happens, I guess.

And onwards...

Early in 1973, a skinny kid with an angry scar on his face & a funny accent was introduced to his new school and classmates. Among them was a guy with a permanent grin & an irrepressible wit, his name was Phil Lewin & he befriended me.

Phil would march between classes with a merry "Ta ra ra boomteyay, I'll take your pants away, and while you're standing there, I'll steal your underwear." or a version of John Denver's Country Road, into which various gynaecological terms had been seamlessly integrated.

I knew almost no-one, but Phil knew everyone. Like most conservative old schools, it had something of an underground bully culture, there were some kids you just steered clear of. Not Phil though, on spying one particularly feared hulk (who looked for all the world like the bully character in the Dennis the Menace cartoons), Phil would bellow "Duuuuh! MacPhee you moron!". For some reason MacPhee would merely curse & walk away.

I was only at that school for half a year or so, before my family moved into deepest Hutt Valley & I changed college. But as chance would have it, we moved to a place just around the corner from Phil's grandmother & so as the years passed, I'd often see him & other family members on their way to visit.

Later, we caught up at University, he was studying English Lit & French. He told me he took French because there were 300 in the class, of whom 296 were women, whilst the other 3 guys were gay.

A clever guy, he appeared on University Challenge, was a Rhodes Scholar, career diplomat and business lobbyist. I heard rumours that he was being urged to enter politics. He would have been a dream Wellington Central candidate.

It's been a few years since we last spoke, probably shortly after he returned from a posting in Moscow. I always figured we'd catch up one day again. I was wrong.

My sympathies go to his family, his wife & kids, his sister, and his mother. Mothers shouldn't have to farewell their children like that, but it happens.

So long Phil. You went far too soon.

Apostro-catastrophic tornado

2008-08-04T11:59:00.000+12:00

Have they outsourced the sub editors already?

"There's only one wall standing at the woolshed and our garage roof was ripped off so it's pretty much a right off."

The family home also suffered extensive roof damage and the Bell's believe the tornado lifted their house off its footings.

Family terrified as tornado rips through home - New Zealand news on Stuff.co.nz

Chainsaw Frenzy

2008-08-04T10:52:00.004+12:00

I was starting to get a bit worried about firewood this winter. I mean, we've enough for this year, but it's been getting near time to sort out next year's woodpile. The options were:

1. Cut down a few expendable trees which aren't particularly great burning wood, but which are free, or

2. Buy some macracarpa in, but winter isn't really the best time to be buying firewood.

Anyway, last Wednesday's storm has solved the problem. When we arrived, there were bits of beech all over the front garden & I thought "Cool! Firewood!". It wasn't till an hour or so later that I looked in the orchard... needless to say, I haven't even got to the front garden to clean up the beech yet.

Another metre & the berry house would have been totalled.

There used to be a young macadamia tree here. Oh well, we had too many anyway.

The neighbourhood was without power for 36 hours. We weren't there, but if we had been, our biggest problem would have been water, we have gas & gas water heating, but we're on bore water & the pump is powered by electricity.

Every time the rain eased this weekend, the peace in the neighbourhood was disturbed by the sound of chainsaws firing up. Not least at SunnyO. There's now a large woodpile weathering away in the orchard, and I should have the fence upright by the end of next weekend - when I get the last of the stump from the big pine tree off it.

I need to think of a back up solution for the water, but I'm sorted for firewood.

Curiously sad.

2008-07-28T15:32:00.002+12:00

This has done the rounds before, but I came across it again today & it really is a most curious thing - remove Garfield from the cartoons & the strip oozes pathos.

Click for bigger image.

garfield minus garfield

Talking of dogs...

2008-07-17T14:33:00.003+12:00

Last Saturday, we were a bit too late to take Wilma down to the beach for a run, so I walked her a kilometre or so to a local public park. This park is bordered by State Highway 1 & used to be home to a couple of horses. In the last few years, it's been converted into a lovely little park area, with native trees, grasses & a couple of streams running through it.

Occasionally I come across other dogs & their owners, but not often.

This night though, as I arrived, there was a lanky character ahead of me, black jeans, tatty jersey, leather jacket, a beanie & white gumboots - he looked like a gang member out without his patch (that sounds judgemental, but bear with me a moment). He was with a dog that looked like it had some Staffordshire Bull Terrier in it.

As we approached, his dog came running up to Wilma, and so I let her off her lead. She & the staffy roamed ahead of the guy & as she passed, Wilma gave him a big smile.

The guy was still ahead of me, he'd looked around, but otherwise ignored us, and as he crossed the rickety bridge over one of the streams, he slipped. Turning, he gestured to me to be careful. I said "Thanks, I noticed you nearly slipped."

Over the bridge, the dogs played for a few moments, the Wilma went off looking for the other stream to splash in mud.

The guy approached, and as he did I noticed that he was bearded & had a droopy eye.

He asked me "Are you from SunnyO? I said that "yes, sometimes I'm from SunnyO, why do you ask?"

He said "Most people keep their dogs away from mine. For some reason they're scared of him."

I had to laugh to myself, because I'm quite sure people are more nervous about him, than his dog. I might have been myself, but Wilma giving him a big smile, when she'd take a wide berth around anyone posing a threat convinced me he was almost certainly harmless. As was his dog, which tellingly, was called "Ricky" rather than "Vengeance" or "Satan". A dead giveaway.

Give a dog a home.

2008-07-17T13:21:00.000+12:00

Abused pup marks one year at SPCA - Stuff.co.nz

A missed opportunity

2008-07-14T16:52:00.001+12:00

So Brad & Angelina have produced twins. They've given them relatively normal names - a boy called Knox Leon and girl called Vivienne Marcheline.

I tend to agree with the first commenter at the bottom of the story:

How disappointing, these two could have used their superstar status to really push the boundaries of ridiculous celebrity baby names.
#1 Posted by housemonkey — 09:14 AM | Monday , 14 July 2008

Should further superstar issue ensue, and presuming the surname will be "Pitt", may I humbly offer the obvious choices:

Bear
Olive
Cherry
Peach.

I'm sure there are more.

Jolie's newborn twins named (+pics, video) - on Stuff.co.nz

Whoop whoop - train wreck alert!

2008-07-03T16:04:00.003+12:00

Sacha Baron Cohen & Will Ferrell to play Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson, in a new spoof of the Arthur Conan Doyle super sleuth.

Seriously, no Sherlock Holmes spoof has ever been remotely funny, not the one starring Pete & Dud, nor the John Cleese one, and especially not the Roger Moore one. Additionally, almost nothing with Will Ferrell in it has been remotely funny either.

Just the idea of Sacha and Will as Sherlock Holmes and Watson makes us laugh," Columbia Pictures co-president Matt Tolmach said in a statement.

Ha ha ha! Just the idea of some smug, ignorant prat saying this makes me laugh. Muahahaha!

Did someone say "Bewitched?". Jeez Matt, just announce these two are in a new remake of Casablanca & be done with it. And your career.

Borat to wear Sherlock Holmes' hat - New Zealand - Stuff.co.nz

Myth Busters - Population and Sustainable Development

2008-07-01T10:37:00.001+12:00

Fascinating stuff - while searching the website of the Dept of Statistics (that's what I call fun), I came across this page examining a number of myths associated with the New Zealand population - the "Brain Drain", the "browning" of New Zealand, and more.

Worth a look.

Myth Busters - Population and Sustainable Development

I wonder if the Dept of Justice have one on crime spiralling out of control?

I'm enjoying the new Terminator series

2008-06-27T15:32:00.006+12:00

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles takes place immediately after the events of Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Lena Headey plays Sarah Connor, Thomas Dekker is her son John, the soon-to-be saviour of humankind.

In the pilot episode, John's laying low in a school in New Mexico, in 1999, when a new teacher reveals himself to be a terminator sent back in time to kill him.

Luckily the weird girl in his class also reveals herself to be a terminator (they're all over the place in this series) sent to replace the T-Arnie model destroyed at the end of the 2nd movie. This terminator, Cameron, is played straightfaced, by the awesome Summer Glau (NB: this photo is absolutely not from the series).

Forget Terminator 3: The Terminatrix (or whatever it was called), that didn't happen. Because what the T-Summer does, is transport Sarah & John 7 years into the future (thus, avoiding for the time being, Sarah's death from cancer that was reported in T3), to 2006.

The game's still the same, protect John from a legion of robots sent back to eliminate him, and try to find the origins of Skynet (now a prototype chess playing computer called The Turk).

It's violent, it's funny & it captures the same atmosphere as T2 - plenty of juxtaposing the petite Ms Glau with all manner of mechanical objects, and the same sort of humour is derived as the benign terminator learns to pass as human. It's worth watching the series just for the magnificently perfunctory "grief counselling" Cameron suffers after being the last "person" to speak (surreally) to a suicidal student. Emo, she's not.

There are also some nice nods to the earlier films, for instance, Cameron patrols LA in police uniform, rayban aviators (in the dead of night) and a motorbike. Sarah quips "Somewhere there's a naked policeman bleeding in an alley".

Oh, and that guy that always stuck me as a martian in Beverly Hills 90210 - Brian Austin Green, is also in it - he's Kyle Reese's brother (John's uncle).

Glau's a trained ballerina & one episode has her undercover at a ballet school. Later, a character muses that once machines learn to appreciate art, they may not feel the need to wipe out humanity - and cut to: Cameron alone in her room practising her ballet moves in the mirror.

Smart, violent, funny, and not unimportantly, a talented & attractive cast.

Series 2 has just been commissioned. Yay.

More Summer Glau photos (SFW) for your entertainment.

summer glau terminator - Google Image Search

One good reason for not allowing free access through farms

2008-06-26T10:47:00.000+12:00

Woman trampled by cows sues farmer for £1 million damages - Telegraph

A better one can be summed up in 4 words: Foot and Mouth Disease.

Auckland 'needs mini-government' - Stuff.co.nz

2008-06-25T09:34:00.001+12:00

No sweat, they can have our old one later this year when we've finished with it.

Auckland 'needs mini-government' on Stuff.co.nz

Can't they?

Lookout Daniel Radcliffe

2008-06-18T11:42:00.000+12:00

I've yet to see a film featuring Sienna Millar, so I'm not qualified to comment on her acting talents. But I can put 2 & 2 together & divine that Ms Miller has top class talents in other areas.

Consider - if you happen to be a young, presentable actor, and especially if you're British, it's probably only a matter of time before Sienna will get around to you.

SO look out Daniel! (Or perhaps more likely, Rupert Grint.)

Rhys Ifans throws phone tantrum after Sienna split - Stuff.co.nz

The Dark is Rising - now a major film!

2008-06-17T16:13:00.000+12:00

Actually, given it jettisons most of the original plot & changes everything else, it's more like the "major" film that they made out of The Wizard of Earthsea. A steaming heap, in other words.

The Seeker (film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Why do they bother?

Winter Harvest

2008-06-16T11:07:00.000+12:00

Winter Harvest has commenced. That’s the harvest of 4 of the macadamia trees that are ready in the middle of the year. In Winter, in fact. There’s another harvest later in the year, we call that one the “Not the Winter Harvest”.

Some macadamia trees drop their nuts. These are the Winter Harvest trees. The nuts on the other trees hang tight until Not Winter.

Last year, we harvested 49.9kg from all 4 Winter Harvest trees. That seemed like a lot at the time. This weekend, we harvested 62.5kg from two of the trees (not counting some 20kg of windfalls picked earlier in the month). That was two trailer loads (ok, small trailer). We only had time for two of the trees because as soon as they’re picked they have to be run through the smelly & noisy de-husking machine, or the husks will taint the nuts.

De-husking is a long & tedious task. My arms hurt today from hours & hours of cajoling & wrestling nuts through a tiny opening. But there’s something satisfying about the 6 sacks hanging in the drying room now. They’ll hang for 3 months, before being given a bit of a booster drying through the ovens (very low temperature). I expect them, at that stage, to weigh about 45kg.

Harvesting any kind of home grown produce is satisfying, Mrs Llew managed to find time this weekend to finish picking the granny smiths, about 5 20 litre buckets full, she’s given a fair few away, and stewed & frozen what she’s kept. We enjoyed apple crumble the other night, first apple crumble in decades for me.

We’ve also now got a pantry well stocked with quince jam, quince paste, quince & apple jelly, crab-apple jelly. Mrs Llew bought herself a stainless steel preserving pan which sits proudly on the stove top (because we don’t have a cupboard big enough to put it away.)

I remember my mum doing all this stuff when I was a kid (she still does, actually), but I was still staggered at how much sugar goes into preserves... I can see we'll be buying it by the sackload next year.

Aside from processing our own produce, the other old worldey sort of thing we do is make our own stock – in fact, there is a large stainless steel stock pot sitting proudly beside the preserving pan, every few weeks I simmer the collection of chicken carcasses that we keep in the freezer, along with whatever else I can find to chuck in – leeks, celery, herbs , carrots, onions, salt & pepper. I simmer the whole lot for a day or two, before straining the stock off (the sludge gets fed to the dog, by now any chicken bones are the consistency of chalk.)

The stock will set to the consistency of jelly. We freeze it for later.

Best headline of the week.

2008-06-06T15:32:00.000+12:00

Gillian Anderson pregnant, no aliens involved - Stuff.co.nz

Save Central - NZBC

2008-05-28T15:46:00.000+12:00

If someone would be so kind as to click through this link, save the picture within & photoshop some wind turbines onto those ranges...

Save Central - NZBC

...I will post a companion piece.,

Tax cuts blamed for mortgage rate rise

2008-05-28T08:44:00.000+12:00

Banks Blame Tax Cuts for Mortgage Rates Rise - Stuff.co.nz

I don't get it - tax cuts have been announced, but not yet implemented, how can they be responsible for increased interest rates?

Civil Defence Bunker down, we're all DOOMED!!

2008-05-27T16:10:00.002+12:00

It's probably 15 years since I was last in the famed Civil Defence Centre that's underneath the Beehive. You know the one - it's where the government retire to in the event of the Big One, so that they can govern the country in safety. Or something like that.

Nats call for inquiry into Civil Defence power lapse - Stuff.co.nz

But anyway...

I was disappointed that the place was like a tramping hut, bunks, rudimentary cooking facilities (& PCs bolted to the desks so that they survive earthquakes.) No high tech communications, the PCs weren't even networked, no big screen from which to monitor the catastrophe through satellite images. Of course, it may well have changed since then.

One thing I remember the Civil Defence fellow telling us, which doesn't seem to have been imparted to Helen & John, is that this bunker exists in order to manage the aftermath of a disaster that occurs outside of Wellington.

Think about it, if (or when) the Big One comes, do you really think Civil Defence staff will be able to dig their way through the rubble of the collapsed Beehive? The CD guy showing us around was scornful of the chances of that.

No, apparently (and I am prepared to be corrected if this is wrong or has changed) there exists another Civil Defence bunker somewhere in Auckland, possibly it's above ground, that's the one to be used in the event of a disaster befalling the Capital.

Nat MP Hone Carter (remember him?) said, through a hole in his head:

"It's not acceptable that there's a gap. This is our civil defence emergency headquarters that we are talking about here. These guys should be able to respond immediately."

The place isn't even staffed around the clock as far as I know. Hone's as full of wind as he always has been.