Fabulation aside for a moment...

There's a guy you see around town a lot - if you've lived in Wellington in the last 15 years, you've seen him, but you may not realise it.

He's the Government Courier. THE Government Courier.

His job is to transport important documents (and goodness knows what else) between Parliament & Government departments. They're in that robust looking briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. But you don't notice the cuffs.

He's tall & fit, and I've always suspected he's had some military training & probably knows 15 different ways to dissuade you from taking that briefcase off him.

And he's very unnoticeable. Just a public servant with a briefcase.

I'd type his name, but it's probably a state secret. Anyway, it's also quite boring.

I've always considered he's got the coolest job. He just wanders (purposefully) around town all day.

The Weekends

Last weekend:

Decided to be clever & leave travelling until (Good) Friday lunchtime. heard on the radio that the north bound traffic on Thursday night was awful. Felt really clever...

Rounded up the animals on Friday, loaded up the car... and our planned one hour trip took us 3 hours. Man, it sucked. We were bumper to bumper just past Plimmerton & stayed that way till Waikanae.

The animals were very patient though.

For the life of me I can't remember what we did on Saturday. But it either involved building something, or demolishing something else (it's rare that I both build & demolish the same thing in a weekend, but not unknown).

Oh yeah! I remember. The girls organised on Friday to go horseriding on Saturday. A 2 hour trek according to T. But a 3 hour trek according to M. I escaped because they made their booking at the same time as Wilma & I were supposed to be inspecting some boarding kennels. But T was quite sure they'd be back in time to greet her mum who was visiting after lunchtime.

So I dropped them off at a place near the Otaki racecourse, and we all learned to T's surprise especially, that it was indeed a 3 hour trek, but that didn't include the hour or so beforehand catching the horses &... what do you call the set up bit... saddling them? Nor did it include the hour or so afterwards... doing post-horsey wind-down things (look, I've no idea OK?).

They were gone 6 hours in all. T's mum & I surmised there'd be one very sore girl later on...

And we weren't wrong.

Anyway, the kennels were really nice, and the kennel owners. I have to say, I have never seen so many golden retrievers in one place ever. It was surreal. There were also a german shepherd & two labradors there.

I think Wilma will really like it. They sure gushed over her.

And then I built a fence.

The next day I built another bay on my 3 bay compost area. One more bay to go.

Goodness knows what else I did. Then visitors came & we drank & ate lots.

I have lots of photos actually, that I must download & post... including a whole set of "beach art" shots I took of sandcastles & driftwood constructions Wilma & I encountered along the beach...

On monday we weren't in a hurry to get away home, but took the first opportunity to catch both the cats (they have kept us waiting hours in the past). We left around lunchtime. And our timing was perfect, a clear run into town & as we were arriving we heard that traffic was at snails pace pretty much from just south of Levin.

Got home in time for T to paint windowsills in the lounge & for me (joy!) to mow the lawns. I have considered just bringing a sheep home now & then.

This weekend:

We're supposed to be leaving Thursday for Whitianga to attend a wedding. That's the plan anyway, drop Wilma off at the kennels & head north till Monday.

Except that there is a problem with our car, it's leaking coolant & may not be fixed in time... I'm hoping the VW people will loan us another, maybe an Audi Roadster (except I suppose we won't all fit in it). Or a Porsche Cayenne (perfect, since there'll be a lot of Aucklanders at the wedding, be nice to tool up in a porsche - "Yeah Nigel, picked it up especially for this trip!".)

Anyway, we'll see...

Update: We're getting loaned some sort of station wagon... since they didn't tell her what make & model, T assumes it'll be a lada....

On my way to work today

Swung by Big Department Store to say hello to my old Special Forces comrade, Albert. He's the doorman...

He's had that job since the 1970s, when the annual Big Department Store sales were really getting popular, they wanted someone polite & respectful, who could also handle himself in a dicey situation.

Albert knows 15 ways to kill someone with his bare hands. He's only had to use 3 of them at the store.

Albert loves his job.

As do I (my job that is).

Street Preacher Man

So who knew Die Hard was a book?

Or that it was (technically) a sequel to an old Frank Sinatra movie called The Detective?

Bruce Willis's DIE HARD & Nothing Lasts Forever

Too nice a day for street preaching

Took the day off. Went surfing.

Popped in & visited God on my way through Island Bay.

He's well.

Out of character...

Was changing yesterday into my dog walking gear (boingy hat & powder blue jacket, leiderhosen & hiking boots - HOT!), and it suddenly occurred to me that I had just put on odd socks. Not completely different, same style, but one grey, one black. Odd socks aren't that unusual, Wilma has this thing about socks, and somewhere there is a hidden cache of them that we will stumble across & all our odd socks will be reunited.

And you know what? I didn't change 'em. Devil may care eh? It did cross my mind how unusual this was. A watershed moment perhaps.

hey, I'm a virgo, we don't do that freaky shit..

Got my hat & powder blue jacket & ready to rock.

Yesterday, for a change of pace, I decided to wear my boingy hat & powder blue jacket. The hat is my favourite & was a gift from my cobber in Petone.

Mater says I look like Frank Sinatra. Which could be handy next time I'm in Vegas, some of those showgirls don't even realise he died already.

Decided today to plug the "Jesus saves" angle, tried & true, a crowd pleaser. Wish I had a dollar for every wanker who replied "Yes, but Beckham scores on the rebound!"

I must be pretty hot today though, getting lots of attention from women especially! Reminds me of my Special Forces days in Saigon. Those were the days... But the way they dress! Bare midriffs, tattoos! Some of them would make Saigon Sally blush, and Saigon Sally was pretty hard to embarrass. I'd show them my tattoo - YEAH! That'd make them see the light!

But Mater says she'll disown me if I get arrested again.

"You WILL be saved too!"

Got home, missed Dr Phil ... but bonus! My subscription copy of High Times had arrived! I love the guest editorials from Tommy Chong. He's soooo funny.

A couple of fun hours on the PS2 with Playboy Mansion - I scored Playmate of the Year!

Mater made us scambled eggs for supper, I do get so hungry reading High Times...

Must remember to get my hat steamed soon.

Boy mauled by toilet paper dog

Not at all like the toilet paper sunglasses...

Actually, I've always been suspicious about shar-peis. There are two that used to come down to the lawn at dog play time. Their arrival was guaranteed to suck the fun out of any dogs already present.

They never, ever caused an incident, but somehow, all the other dogs got really nervous around them. The owners exercise them somewhere else now, although to my knowledge, no-one ever complained about them.

STUFF - STORY - HOME : Boy Mauled by Toilet paper Dog

Although... I see no reason why the advertising should change, it's about people supervising their dogs & children IMO.

If Wilma blogged

It's dawn already! Where are they? Wheeeeerrrreee aaarrreee ttthhheeeyyy....

Phew, about time! Sooo excited!!! Come on, hurry up! Whoops... better just check if there's any cat food left... delicious!

Pant, pant pant, hurry up! Birds!!...

oops... time for a dump....

come on! Hurry up whydontcha!!

Ooh... birds!

A toasted sandwich!! Hey, whaddya mean "give"? Oh man.... I'm hungry...

Birds!

An apple! Hang on then, I just have to eat this apple...

Hurry up!

Havoc & Barney!! Yahoo!!

Run, run, run, chase, chase, dodge....

Whaddya mean it's time to go! Oh... Ok then...

Time for a dump....

Home, where's my treat? Thank you.

Whaddya mean I have to be towelled dry? Man, I hate this....

Someone's fed the cats again! Delicious.

Breakfast!! Yay!! Hey, there's a big cat muscling in.... hey... HEY!!

And a bone! Aw.... how lucky can a dog get!?

And now several hours sleeping & chewing my bone... wish those cats would leave it alone... HEY!!

Sleep

Sleep

Sleep..

Chew

Yay! Someone's home & I'm allowed in again!

Cat food! Delicious...

Alpha dog is home! Walkies!! I'm so excited!! Hurry up!! Huuuurrrryyyy uuuuuppppp!!!!

Time for a dump...

BIRDS!!

Hurry up!

Ooh... that horrible Honey "Woof!!" I hate Honey.

Ooh... the swimming hole... DUCKS!!

Havoc!! Yeehah!!

Run, run run, chase, dodge, chase....

Phew.. I'm tired & thirsty, come on! Time to go!

BIRDS!!

Wait! I just need to drink from this stream...

Let's really hurry past the vets! I hate the vet!

Home. Where's my treat!

Here's MUM! hello mum! Wag, wag... and M! Hello M!!

Catfood! Delicious.

Man, I hate it when everyone is eating instead of me! Hurry up! I'm hungry!

Dinner time! Yay! hey, there's a big cat... HEY!!

Oooh... bed time... where's that bone.... Hey! CAT! HEY!!

Snore...

Somewhere...

One of the great curses of this age is department store music.

Many years ago I had a job at the DIC in Lower Hutt. My job was to blow up balloons. I shared a small room with the DIC's resident sign-writer, a pretty young woman whose main concern at the time was how would she get the racy photos her boyfriend took of her developed.

Good college Photography Club member that I was, I politely offered to develop them for her... she just as politely declined...

But I digress, my other main task was to keep the store music going, I was allowed to leave our little room now & then & sample anything from the store's record section.

Note to younger readers: "Records" are what we had before CDs & electricity were invented.

I nearly got fired, because for one day straight I played an album of "oompapah" leiderhosen music on continuous loop. Yodelling. The store manager suddenly burst into our room, waved his finger at me & said "Once more & you're out of here".

it was tempting...

SO this lunchtime I was in Kirk's looking for a birthday present for my neice. And I suddenly realised the sound system was regaling us with an overblown instrumental version of songs from West Side Story.

Resisting the urge to break into "Somewhere", I moved on...

...to Capital on the Quay, where they were playing the original soundtrack to High Society.

It almost makes me nostalgic for Christmas songs.

After that I got my little briefcase & my grey macintosh & took my usual post on the pavement between Whitcoulls & Westpac, and handed out religious flyers, just as I have for the last several decades, with the odd extended break here & there... I imagine some people might wonder where I go to at these times. Best not to mention it's Vegas....

"You must be reborn!" I called out, and some wag that I remember used to stagger drunkenly out of Barrett's Hotel on Friday nights in the early 80s responded "My mum wouldn't be impressed". Tosser.

And now, the good lord's work done for today, it's home to blog the latest, and spend a few hours with the PS2 & Grand Theft Auto... missed Dr Phil again, I must change my schedule...

I wonder who I'll be tomorrow then...

Origami Instructions Sunglasses Origami Paper Folding.

Hee hee... I blatantly stole this link from Cracker, at Public Address. it's great.

Low Carb Weight Loss Recipes: Origami Instructions Sunglasses Origami Paper Folding.

What cricket?

STUFF : CARTOON GALLERY : TOM SCOTT - Sports Hypnotism

And daylight saving has ended

Sucksville.

Who cares if it's lighter in the mornings now, the mornings are a write-off anyway.

Now it'll be getting dark when I get home. It's time to dig out the torches & replace the corroding batteries. Dog walking is so much more pleasant in sunshine...

In fact, it might be time for a new torch. Maybe one with 7 LED bulbs... I have one with two LEDs & it's not bad, imagine 7!!

Musings on the weekend...

There's a young student living next door to us - her dining room looks right out onto our back porch where Wilma presides over a pile of bones... nice... that lovely charnel house ambience...

Her mother (I presume) is visiting at the moment. She potters about the garden singing songs to herself in Chinese. It sounds cool. She is unfailingly friendly.

*******
There are secret paths in the Botanic Garden. Sure, there are paths that are very infrequently used, except by me & Wilma, paths where in all the years, I have only ever seen one other person using them.

But there are secret paths also, paths that once were real paths, maintained by the staff and well walked, but now are overgrown, spanned by fallen trees, and terminated by fences, should you venture down...

Wilma & I use these paths too.

In fact, should I win Lotto & have the opportunity to change careers without having to worry about income... I could easily become a Botanic Garden tour guide... I just about know the names of all the paths now, and have named one of the secret paths "Weta Walk"...

I'm considering memorising the dedications for all the park benches too...

*******
Freaky goings on at the Lawn this weekend: I don't know if it was thunder, explosions, or a crane falling down somewhere, but an almighty din was heard from somewhere in town & it really scared Wilma.

10 minutes later, once recovered, Wilma got very tense, making me think that another dog was about to arrive (they know). Minutes went by & nothing... then I noticed the vet's spooky boxer was peering around the corner watching us. He's a freaky one, apparently has delinquent tendencies. he's also got this big goofy face, with big poppy, moonie eyes... like the Tinderbox story... and he's silently watching us... so I brought Wilma away from him & we sat down on a bench. The boxer came onto the lawn, semi-circled around us silently. he looked confused actually, like he was wondering about coming over. Then suddenly he left (looking like he was on his way home). Not the sort of dog you wish to see by himself in public...

*******
Painted the lounge this weekend - the bottom half of it. T is very disappointed that we didn't finish it off completely (so disappointed, that she wants to rejig our Easter plans so we can finish it...). But there is just a bit of the trim to go & a window frame.

*******
We finished watching In the Cut... Mark Ruffalo seems to be a very versatile actor. The movie looks great, there is some superb cinematography. But ultimately, all the characters are dislikable, and the ending is routine.

We watched The Singing Detective also... (based on the old TV show) with Robert Downey Jr, Katie Holmes (much underused), Robin Wright Penn, Carla Guigino, Adrian Brody, and a very, very odd turn by Mel Gibson (all the way through, we're going "Is that Mel Gibson?"). In fact, there are some jibes about how little Gibson is. Since he also produced the movie, we give him full marks for self effacement. Also, his character is very un-movie-idol looking....

I think it uses different songs to the series. And really, it's not such a great update of the story as the movie version of Pennies from Heaven was, some 20 years ago (which had Steve Martin & Christopher Walken proving that they're quite handy dancers).

We have City of God to watch this week.

*******
And boy, it was foggy for much of the weekend...

Public Address | Younger Brother speaks his mind!

Way to go Younger Brother!

Public Address | Speaker

The Onion | Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson

I know it's a cliche to link the Onion....

The Onion | Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson

Canine Politics

I remember seeing (not that long ago) a Footrot Flats cartoon with the dog walking along, thinking about his place in the local canine pecking order. If I could find it online, I'd link to it.

Essentially, he was lower than everyone in the neighbourhood, except for prince Charles the corgi. And as he went through the list of a dozen or so dogs, including someone's Cavalier King Charles Spaniel... his head got lower & lower... until he came to Prince Charles, when he perked up again & gave the corgi a bollocking.

And this came to mind again yesterday as I watched the social pecking order at Magpie Lawn being decided, and then maintained...

The dogs were running around as usual, Wilma was playing tug of War with Havoc, the mad Staffordshire Terrier.

Havoc meanwhile, was being harried from the rear (if you get my drift) by Sam the Spoodle. Havoc stopped now & then to growl at Sam, but that didn't stop him for long.

Finally, Havoc broke off the play, and very severely put Sam in his place. He didn't actually bite the spoodle, but it did look quite nasty, and Sam was completely traumatised, lying on his back, whimpering with his tail between his legs.

Havoc was pulled off him & went back to play, more hyperactive than ever.

Wilma didn't seem the least bit bothered by this.

the other dogs on the lawn were Barney & Mitch. Barney looks just like the Tramp, from the Lady & the Tramp, and he was the only other male dog on the lawn besides Sam & Havoc.

The weird thing was, after Havoc gave Sam the bollocking, he ignored him. However, the incident had plainly signalled to Barney that Sam was the lowest of the low & he began - there is no other word really - to bully Sam. Just, I think, to make it clear who was boss.

Wilma & Mitch just ignored Sam. And it occured to me that Wilma always does, she's neither antagonistic (as she is to one or two dogs), nor scared (as she is by one neighbouring boxer, who as far as I know, has never done anything to warrant it), nor friendly with him.

Must be a girl thing.

SunnyO: Wilma & friends at the Lawn

A tale of two sportsmen

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Since I'm at it - one more wart

Electricity suppliers (especially their billing, field & financial services manager) who write serial letters complaining that they do not have access to our meter & that they first notified me of this in April last year, and we'll have to arrange a special visit which they will charge us for.

And so my response will be along the lines of:

Dear power supplier (their letter is addressed to "Dear Customer")

If you're not using the key that I sent you last April, which your contact centre acknowledged the receipt of by telephone at the time, then please return it, or we will be billing you for changing all the very expensive locks (3) accessed by that key.

Furthermore, at some stage this year we will be moving the electricity meter outside, at this stage we most definitely will require the return of our key, so I do hope you've taken very good care of it. Until this time, if you continue to show reluctance to actually use our key, I will endeavour to take the metre reading myself & leave it on a post-it note on the front door. If any special visits are required, they will be at your expense not ours.

Yours


Customer.

Warts on the backside of humanity

In no particular order:

Architects
Builders
Real Estate Agents
House buyers

No particular reasons. As George Michael said (of the cop who arrested him in a public toilet, and who later sued Michael for defamation - when the video to the song "Outside", which featured graphic scenes of cops making out together - was dedicated to him.)

A minor irritation....

(Apologies to any architects, builders, real estate agents, or house buyers... it's nothing personal.)

Oh man... wouldn't this be cool?

STUFF - STORY - Army Tank Discovered in Garden

Wilma & friends at the Lawn

The best times at the lawn are when some of Wilma's doggy pals turn up & she gets the chance to play chase. She is the best at being chased... she dodges round obstacles, sidesteps, hides, and just hares away with as many as 10 dogs in hot pursuit. If the other dogs get tired of the game, she will taunt them with the ball, or rope, until they take up the chase again...

This is Havoc playing tug of war here, he's one of her best pals... although without a rope, or ball to focus on, he can be a bit nippy. Sam the Spoodle (WTF??) is in the rear. He's one of those "intact" dogs who embarrasses his owner by trying it on with pretty much any dog in sight. Except, for some reason, Wilma.  I think she might have beaten him up early on over it.

Wilma at the lawn...

While T usually takes Wilma out for her morning walk, there are occasions when the privilege falls on me. We've noticed that if both of us come downstairs at the same time in the morning, Wilma can somehow tell from our behaviour which one of us is on duty. She then leaps around that person & pretty much ignores the other.

We will attempt to fool her, but I suspect that it won't be easy....

The weekend...

The wedding on Friday was excellent. It was at the Boatshed, which is always a good venue for a party. While it was still light we lolled on the verandah & watched stingrays skate around the lagoon.

The ceremony was short & simple, we were serenaded by four guys harmonising (brilliantly) songs in English & Tokolauan. There was a slight gremlin, when the sound system failed to play the designated "Here comes the Bride" music, and the singers were put on the spot to come up with something appropriate... then the PA coughed into life & the lovely bride bopped in to the always appropriate "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim.

Joke... it was some duet by Barbra Streisand & someone else... can't remember...

The food was excellent, the company engaging. The speeches... well... the highlights were the groom's cockney father telling a series of vignettes that all ended with "... and so I smacked 'im in the 'ead". Hilarious! And the father of the bride starting to tell stories of the stag night & the strippers "Careful Rich", the best man wisely advised....". I so didn't need to know the bride's father enjoyed a lapdance...

We partied till the small hours.

Saturday came (quite late). My Saturday night alone was STILL in jeopardy at this stage. T was still going to party with her sisters, but camp was off & there was a chance I'd have not just M at home, but also I might be babysitting her younger cousin as well.

But as happens to many last minute changes of plans... the cousin had by now made other plans, and M stayed overnight at her friend's. I did have to fend off last minute exhortations for me to attend a barbecue at the friend's house too. Fortunately, by that stage I was half way through painting our lounge & could justifiably beg off attending. Also... Wilma stayed with me, so I had some company anyway.

And yes! I spent the afternoon painting over the hideous dark red & black floral wallpaper that adorned the top half of our lounge, including half the ceiling (the bottom half is painted wood panelling & needs a bit more restoration before that gets done). By the time T got home about 5pm the next day, I had two coats on & we decided it wouldn't need another one. It is a resene colour called Blanc, and it is so much lighter than it was before. The wood panelling will be painted a colour called Tea, and there is a small shelf that runs around the top of it, which will probably be a dark colour called Diesel.

Which brings me to the in-house entertainment for the evening... on the dogwalk, Wilma & I swung by the local DVD store & picked up The Chronicles of Riddick, and on a sudden whim... Porn Star, the Legend of Ron Jeremy. As always happens when I'm renting a slightly dodgy sounding film, Porn Star wasn't in the documentary section & I had to go & ask for it. In front of half a dozen customers who are also neighbours. They had it in the drama section...

So... Porn Star... Ron Jeremy is this fat, hairy, pig nicknamed "The Hedgehog" who has made his career in the adult film industry (there is a hilarious bit where some hot adult film actress has just been told who she's working with & she just guffaws, and says "I told you already, I'm not having sex with that fat, hairy, fucking pig!" Go girl, I was thinking.) The documentary was pretty boring really, too many frat-house appearances where fat, nerdy, drunken frat boys swoon over the guy.

Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis was one of the talking heads interviewed...

Oh... and Ron sports a heroic endowment & despite being grossly fat, is limber enough to perform an unnatural act upon himself. Actually, when you hear the term "70s porn star moustache" I think this is the guy who is being referenced.

He also craves a mainstream acting career, and can actually be seen in many real movies (for instance, Killing Zoe), getting swiftly killed in a variety of manners (the best was a Troma film, where a mutant thrust a large crucifix through his mouth & out the back of his head).

So that was Ron Jeremy...

The Chronicles of Riddick was OK, kept me awake. There were some technical problems with the DVD & I missed a few sequences in the middle of the film. It's Vin Diesel of course, reprising the character from Pitch Black. In this instance, he's (not very) evil, fighting evil, saving the universe from some very unsinister villains.

Along for the ride are Dame Judy Dench, playing a CG effect, the lovely, but under-used Thandie Newton, playing Lady MacBeth, and our very own Karl Urban, playing a cut rate MacBeth to Thandie.

The whole thing has an air of CG tosh, cut-rate Star Trek about it. But I mean, it's OK. Vin is decent in it.

It was back to family fare on Sunday, we watched the first half of The Prince & Me, which is the ever watchable Julia Stiles doing Cinderella. And later, we started to watch In the Cut, which is a thriller directed by Jane Campion, with Meg Ryan & Mark Ruffalo, and some surprisingly explicit sex scenes... (not so far, involving either of the stars). I suspect that Stiles doing Cinderella will be the better of the two films.

Northern Lights

A few years ago, I gave M a copy of Phillip Pullman's Northern Lights. But it was too soon & after a few pages it got shelved...

Recently it came back with a vengeance, & M devoured it one weekend so that I've had to supplement it with the sequels.

It got pressed onto me last week, and I have to say it's pretty good.

The story of Lyra, a troublesome young girl, and her personal daemon... um... Pantyliner or something... trying to save her father, the exiled Lord Asriel, and evade the clutches of the evil Mrs Coulter who is causing children to disappear all over the country, for some nefarious purpose...

I wouldn't say it's as good as The Lord of the Rings as some have (you might argue though).

And the Evil Mrs Coulter has more than a touch of the Cruella De Villes about her... the daemons are cute though.

But I'll have finished it this weekend & am looking forward to the next one in the series.

Hmm... I just read that the whole trilogy is a reworking of Paradise Lost.... I hadn't picked that up. Maybe it becomes clearer later...

My Night Alone...

Well it has come to pass... after plans changed about 5 times this week, it does look like I'll have a night in alone for the first time in years, on Saturday night.

M has been packed off to school with enough camping gear to keep her alive for weeks, just for Saturday night...

T & I are going to a wedding this afternoon & evening, so M will be staying at her friend's place tonight.

T hikes off to SunnyO on Saturday afternoon to spend some quality time with a few of her myriad sisters... she's taking Wilma even! It'll be me & the cats.

And since I was unable to locate an already unrented wood-chipper to keep me occupied (they all seem to be on long term rental at the moment!)... I'll be painting the hideous wallpaper in our lounge instead.

Not sure what the in-house movie will be... I haven't checked what's on SKY, so it may be a last minute decision at the video store. Chances are it won't be entirely family friendly...

MiramarMike: Wot a night!

Heck stole this from Fark...

And gave it to caroline...

And I stole it from caroline because it deserves to be seen...

Man in Alaska turns on sprinklers...

adn.com | alaska : Tower of ice

Duke catches up with the news about Hunter S Thompson

Our newspapers seem to be a day ahead of the website... tune in tomorrow for what is causing the karmic shift...

Doonesbury@Slate - Daily Dose

Popular and Competent Prime Minister

The PM has a blog! Apparently....

Popular and Competent Prime Minister

Well... since I did actually see a sheep in the weekend...

...and I do remember when Patty Duke was twins... and not just Sam Gamgee's mother...

STUFF : ENTERTAINMENT : TV - STORY : It's Hard Yakka Down on the Farm

The Best Laid Plans

Well despite my proclamation... no woodchopping was done this weekend. We didn't go up the line till Saturday morning, had a quiet Friday night in instead. This allowed M the chance to attend her school picnic in the Bot Gardens.

Then we watched Calamity Jane... and really, this sort of movie has not aged well. Although... Doris Day was certainly a hottie, but her kind of acting would surely play better off a broadway stage. She's stiff. Oddly enough, we all agreed that Howard Keel was surprisingly animated as Wild Bill Hickock. We may have to tune into Deadwood to see how that show portrays Hickock & Calamity. Differently, I bet.

Also... "Whipcrackaway" is possibly the most ludicrous song ever written.

And the girls were sceptical... as they often are about my little theories on what a movie is "really about" (The Matrix BTW, is about sunglasses) but there is a gay subtext ("secret love"?) a mile wide in Calamity Jane. (Even more noticeable than the psychedelic drug subtext that underpins Mary Poppins, but that's for another blog...). Double entendre abounds, from what it takes to get Jane out of those dusty old (and probably Edith head designed & tailored) deerskin outfits (the chance to wear a pretty yellow dress and show off her "heavy artillery" does it pretty easily actually). To a poor guy who has to dress up in drag & entertain the cowpokes.... I mean really....

At Sunnyo, the order of the day was clearing up debris from previous projects. And I reassembled my partly built compost bays & toted a couple of cubic metres of horse dung, sawdust & zoo doo (the last was a Christmas present from family - nothing it seems, says I love you, like a few cubic metres of endangered animal shit). I have the sides of two more compost bays to construct, and then some slat doors for the front. And I'll have a compost processing area bigger'n'texas.

That's not true actually. The biggest compost processing area in all of New Zealand, if not the world, is right next door to SunnyO & is owned & presided over by Master Tim. He can back a truck full of horse manure into & out of it. And he visits the local race-course to get it (if he gets too much to process, he generously dumps the overflow at our place... I guess in most places having the neighbours dump trailer loads of animal faeces on your back lawn wouldn't be so welcome...).

It's all starting to come together up there.

Next weekend my plans may have to change too. It seems a couple of T's sisters (there are 5 in all) & a sister-in-law have asked if they can stay at Sunny O. T's decided she'll go with them. So M & I started planning our Saturday night menu (I see a New York cut steak in my future...) and entertainment (possibly Underworld, possibly Poltergeist - M's on a scary movie kick & I recall seeing Poltergeist many years ago & expecting to have a bit of a laugh at the lame scares... and I actually chewed through the jacket I took with me, it so spooked me... and I taped it off Sky the other night in preparation... it's only PG rated).

But then someone remembered that Tennis Club are having a camp next weekend. Yes, that's with tents & sleeping bags & things. Obviously T won't be going... and there was some suggestion that I should attend. But really, I'd rather have a testicle removed than do a multi-family tenting holiday in Wainuiomata.... so M can go camping with her friends, & I'll revise my Saturday night schedule (an even thicker steak, and possibly Bowling for Columbine, or Farenheit 9/11, I have yet to see either...).

All this may have consequences for the mulching plans... I may not have a car to go get the mulching machine. I daresay I'll think of something...

Not that anyone asked...

Or is even interested probably...

But this weekend I'll be attempting to sweat my cold out by chopping & stacking firewood.

Which is nowhere near as interesting as cutting the tree down in the first place. But the Husky 45 stays home this weekend! And I do like a large, neat stack of firewood.

NB: Slightly related, next weekend, I'll be hiring a mulcher & clearing the bombsite that is our front garden, and creating a pile of... mulch.

So... there are these two old ladies...

Upstairs in a certain shopping Arcade in Lambton Quay.

And they're both talking on cellphones, but they're around the corner from each other & can't see the other.

Old Lady 1: "Which cafe do you mean? Upstairs or downstairs?"
Old Lady 2: "Upstairs, I'm waiting here for you now."
Old Lady 1: "Well I'm upstairs, and I'm at the cafe, but I can't see you."

etc...

And like, if they reached out towards the corner, they could hold hands, they're that close.

So helpfully, I caught the eye of Old Lady 2, and pointed round the corner... cue much Old Lady laughter...

Come, Feel the noise

Nice blog from Graham Reid about his noisy neighbours...

I used to have a flatmate who woke us at all hours as she enthusiastically entertained her boyfriend... he was NZ's Chunder Mile champion & she met him at Victoria University's Naked Jug competition. She liked the cut of his jib.

Another flatmate asked her if she could maybe tone the noise down for a few night's because her mother was visiting... she hit record levels on those nights.

I've always considered there's a good case for arming noise control officers... give them a license to kill.

Public Address | Random Play

A.Word.A.Day -- bibacious

I sense a theme developing....

A.Word.A.Day -- bibacious

God Mispelled My Name

A few years back I wrote a letter to the editor railing about the Society for the Promotion of Community Standards trying to get a film banned (the lovely, Y Tu Mama Tambien). In return, I got a letter from God.

No kidding. THE Actual God. Apparently. Disappointingly, not only did God spell my name wrong on the envelope, it was also just a form letter, probably sent to all the sinners (I knew it was because of my published suggestion that the SPCS go burn some books instead of banning films, because the section titled "Pornography & Filth" was highlighted.). I did not feel special. Except that God must have personally delivered it, because it was a recycled envelope. God was in my neighbourhood. Briefly. Before he caught the bus home perhaps - just a stranger on the bus...

You see, God lives in Island Bay, as far as I could make out from the letter. His earthly name is Mariah Seven & he is married to Babette (who suffers from depression, but is a bit better now she gets medication). God however, is not in the phone book, or I would have replied.

Actually, God should get a blog, I could have just linked to him instead of typing all this stuff out.

And so... for your edification... for the sake of your mortal souls even... here are some excerpts from "a fraction of the facts in the Testimony of Mr Mariah Seven and Mrs Babette Seven." It is not all bad. Some good advice even...

"In the beginning, the Heavenly Planet was created by God for Himself and His Wife & Children..."

"...Incidentally, we are both Pakeha. We find Maoris very spiritual but they need to be brought into the 21st century. As this happens, the crime rate among them will go down and so will drinking and smoking we hope."

"We have no wish to change Christmas, but for those interested, Jesus was born on the 27th of October."

"About smacking children - the indignity of a mild smacking may help the situation. If the little buggers threaten to leave home rush out and buy them a suitcase before your luck changes..."

"Regarding the family - it is much better to have a good quality of life for two, three or four children than to give continual birth like cats or dogs. For those parents who talk of abstaining, whata miserable and unnatural life and anyway, I can assure you long suffering ladies that your partner is not abstaining. He is making whoopee with women who are on the pill or maybe he is trying to catch AIDS. By the way parents, teach your children that a bit more kindness to animals would not go amiss.

"Solhannan - The Capital City of the Heavenly Kingdom is called Solhannan. it is also the name of our spaceship which is based in the Sun. We also have 3 Scouters..."

"I personally apologise to all those who have been persecuted by the Church. I also apologise to all those who are still being persecuted by certain Church ministers. I intend to keep on doing something about it."

"If one must engage in a bit of stray, use a good condom, thus avoiding the plague Syphilis."

"DO NOT APPROACH US EXCEPT TO SAY HELLO OR THE LIKE."

"It may be of interest to many people to know that the Star of Bethlehem was one of our 3 Scouter ships."

"In case some folk want to know why Jesus only had men for disciples, well in those days no self respecting girl would be seen running around with a gang of rough men. jesus was always dignified, but some of His disciples were a bit on the rough side."

"... a lover is a man who is in love not some creep who's (sic) testicles are dropping off with over-use and/or some disease. Plan your children, there are too many unhappy accidents in this world, but if you don't want children discuss it together before marriage. A little family is nice though."

"Outdoors - Now don't expect people to be covered from head to toe at the beach etc. But if you only realised that you don't look very respectable with your breasts dangling and your bottoms hanging out. What is wrong with a pretty and reasonably modest outfit! I can tell you all that you won't be prancing in the nude on Seven, and you won't be sharing it all out either. Some of your hairstyles would even shock Jezebel and she was hard to shock."

"Revelations, Holy Bible. No child is raised for destruction. Therefore, the false prophet is a life like male Robot with an advanced and evil computer brain. His holiness the anti-Christ manipulates the Robot and he calls it God. and gives it orders to kill the enemies of the papal regime. In those days very shortly after 2000 AD pray to God in His Son's Name of Jesus that the evil Robot computer will not attach itself to you."

"A good home is a mum and/or dad, mostly being home to look after and become a companion to their little ones. But for goodness sake parent/s, don't soak their brains in religion, as there are some pretty queer religions doing the rounds."

"Yuk and Vomit - I have been reading through many menus, and I have found the most disgusting of eats advertised. Pig, Maggots, Grubs, dead Seagulls, offal, Opossums, Snakes, Rats, Bats, Kangaroos, some seafoods, Bugs, Dogs, Cats and much more. And when you go down with some mystery or known sickness, I suppose you will expect me to "zap" you better. Try a pot of mixed boiled vegetables, instead of all this cafe and hotel muck. Some places however, do put on a good meal. Try and get out of the habit of giving your kids dyed water and fatty rubbish for their school lunch. What's wrong with soup and a couple of sandwiches for them. As for you Maoris and Islanders try to stop sucking on bottles of alcohol like Pakehas do. Alcohol never got the white race anywhere, and grog for the dark races is a tragedy. Wake up people, and eat simple yet good food. Some menus make me gag, but if one is starving they are excused. - God"

So there you are. A fraction of the fraction of the facts in the Testimony of Mr Mariah Seven & Mrs Babette Seven.

As communicated to me, personally, by God.

SPOILER ALERT!! Who has seen Before Sunset?

Caroline@Trivial Pursuit & I are in disagreement about how it ends.

What do you reckon?

Please spoil away in the comments section - avoid if you haven't seen it yet, although as you can probably guess, the answer may be subjective - until the next movie tells us for sure.

Your submission does not take place in a jungle

Anything on McSweeney's is usually worth reading. Their guidelines for submissions are no exception...

Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Guidelines for Web Submissions

A.Word.A.Day -- ebrious

A.Word.A.Day -- ebrious

I think maybe I just relate....

Hunter S Thompson = Deep Throat Update

Vern's site is now online again...

Then fuck you, jack: The Life and Art of vern

And for a followup...

Cripes... what sort of a Welshman am I forgetting...

Happy birthday Liz!

MiramarMike: Happy St David's Day

Nice flag Mike...