Yes. All the time. Pass me another Tui.
Everyone's blogged their indignation at this one. The Whig even compared Worsley to Rosa Parks... I've expended enough energy tapping comments into their comments fields I figured I ought to put the story in perspective.
The nasty old airline asked this man to change seats. Boo fucking hoo.
Anyone who has sent an Unaccompanied Minor (UM) off to scattered parts knows the airlines have had this policy for years. They usally put the UMs up the back of the aircraft near the flight attendants. I believe they prefer it if the children don't sit next to adult passengers at all, male or female.
I'm pretty happy with that policy.
This flight must have been pretty full if he wasn't offered an upgrade to business class. Or maybe the whiner was so obnoxious they didn't feel inclined.
If it'd been me I'd have thanked them profusely for seating me somewhere other than next to a shitty kid. It's possible I'd ask to be moved if they didn't offer first.
While the odds of a random male passenger being a molestor must be pretty low, as a parent, I think the assured safety of a child vastly outweighs a trifling inconvenience to an adult. The airline will be covering itself too, the UMs are in their care & I daresay a lawsuit from an aggrieved parent is something to be avoided. So too, the chance that a child will accuse an innocent adult of molestation.
And as for getting The Eradicator involved... what's more "politically correct", ensuring the safety of a minor? Or ensuring the dignity of a random male passenger?
Or let me put it this way instead:
This is political correctness gone mad.
Are we unable to take steps to safeguard children without fear of offending someone who is barely inconvenienced?
Ban on men sitting next to children
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Yes. All the time. Pass me another Tui.
Posted by llew at Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
I have this theory that every film director of Indian descent secretly wants to make a Bollywood musical. A couple of years ago I was charmed by the spectacular Monsoon Wedding, which while not strictly speaking in the style of a Bollywood film - ie, it's not strictly speaking a musical - does feature a lot of music and dancing in the Bollywood style. And it is gorgeous to look at, both in terms of the cast, and the colourful costumes.
This week, Chez Llew hosted a screening of the Jane Austen inspired Bride & Prejudice, directed by Bend it Like Beckham's Gurinda Chadha, and featuring both former Miss World Aishwarya Rai, and Stuey from Shortland Street. And we enjoyed it immensely. And I had to laugh, as halfway through, Mrs Llew declared it ws "OK, but it seems to be riffing Pride & Prejudice a bit." And when I mentioned that was the point, she brightened up with "Oh, that explains the title, and why Stuey is called Mr Darcy!" So that's OK then.
Although I should mention here, that neither of us has ever been familiar with Shortland Street & so we really should refer to the ex-pat Kiwi who plays wealthy American William Darcy, by his real name, Martin Henderson.
Stuey does OK actually, he's a bit stiff at first, but loosens up along the way, and maybe that's the point. Meanwhile, the rather plain Miss Rai (just joking! She could stop traffic) positively glows. And sings and dances.
I mean, I won't go into the plot in any depth, you're all familiar with the source material right? And Stuey does not emerge from the water in skintight pants. Sadly, neither does Rai. And in fact, that reminds me, there is one scene where all the young attractive cast travel to an Indian resort that Stuey is thinking of buying, and the mother says "It's a good opportunity for him to see her in a swimsuit!" And maybe he did. But we didn't. What a swizz.
Ok, that might be a bit confusing, as the mum wasn't talking about Aishwarya & Stuey anyway, so maybe I'd better explain the plot.
Balraj Bingley (the English patient's Naveen Andrews) travels to Amritsah in India, to be best man at a wedding, he takes along his mate William Darcy. There, they meet the Bakshi family, and in particular the stunning Bakshi daughters, whose mother, the awesome Nadira Babbar, would like nothing more than to have each of her brood marry a wealthy, loving, Indian man. In particular, she is very keen that Balraj hook up with her eldest Jaya (Namrata Shirodkar, running Aishwarya a close second in the looks department)
Meanwhile, Darcy & second eldest daughter Lalita (Rai) meet & hate each other. She's proud, and he's prejudiced, geddit?
Oh, and there is an oily villain. And an even oilier, yet funny, comic relief looking for a hottie Indian bride (whose resemblance to so called comedian Mike King provides almost as much amusement as his nerdy, needy Indian Schtick).
That's all you need to know, unless you know the rest anyway, the course of true love never goes smoothly & requires quite a few energetic & colourful singing & dancing moments. Mercifully, Stuey isn't required to partake. However, in the opening number Naveen Andrews is impressive. In all subsequent numbers, the Bakshi girls are even more impressive. I defy you not to tap your feet along with most of the music.
The locations (god, even London!) give the cast a run for their money too, the film was shot in and around the Golden Temple of Amritsar, Goa beaches, the London Eye , the Colorado Canyon and Santa Monica Beach in California.
Well worth a look, light, energetic, foot tappingly exuberant, and spectacular. Way to go Stuey!
Bride and Prejudice - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Posted by llew at Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
Should you be family, for instance, & wanting to keep as a surprise for the day, the gifts waiting under the tree at SunnyO for your children....
Although I have canvassed widely for ideas & nothing will really be a surprise.
So the mission: You have half a dozen or so nephews & nieces all under the age of 10, but all (someone correct me if I'm wrong) over the age of 4. (this is not counting Mrs Llew's nephews & nieces, who range in ages between 4 & 34, and number in the dozens.
Xmas this year will be hosted at the one & only, world famous SunnyO. The weather should be scorching, it last rained there in 1984. However just in case, there should be some accommodation for indoor activities.
There will be approximately 35 people present, representing 4 generations of family.
My first urge each year, is to be a real bastard & get all the kids noisy presents. Drums, bugles, tambourines, you name it. Then I come to my senses & remember that that would only open me up to revenge giftings in the future. So I put that thought aside quickly, though reluctantly.
My 2nd thought this year, was that what we really need is something the kids can share, and play with outside without us having to supervise them overly, because in time honoured tradition, we'll be on the deck getting seriously pissed. In the end, though, a small quad bike, and power tools failed the test... mostly because of the cost.
So, after much research, questioning of sales people, soul searching, and cruising discreetly past the decorative Jessica in the Jane Daniels section of floor 2 (see the last post) the truly fabulous Kirkcaldies have a small selection of outdoor games & toys. the most impressive of which is the Garden Chess Set. One of the most wonderous things about this set is how they pack the whole lot into something the size of a winebox.
However, none of the kids, and few of the parents play chess. So I have started my Christmas shopping with the purchase of the Garden Noughts and Crosses, and Garden Pick Up Sticks. Sure to be winners.
That was last week. Today, I retraced my steps again, disappointed that Jessica wasn't there, and chose the 38 inch, Monarch Butterfly kite, made from rip stop nylon & fibreglass. You can't go wrong with a kite. They also had a kites shaped like a racing car & a biplane, but in the end I decided best to keep it simple. Kites tend to last about 30 minutes in my experience. Fortunately, should the worst happen, we have several kites already at SunnyO.
And that's as far as I've got. I have gifts to find for one more little girl, and some also for a trio of boys belonging to my cousin.
Although I am seriously considering getting a big paddling pool. Not only will the kids love it, but so will Wilma. It would seem unfair to gift that to any one kid, as I expect everyone of them will be piling in on it, and it'd be rotten if someone, or some dog, killed it.
I'm taking suggestions for the other gifts though, should you have some brilliant ideas.
Oh, and in case it rains... I will supplement the primary gifts with books, and activity packs.
SunnyO: Lord, I have sinned!
So, someone called Su from nnyo.blogspot.com accuses me of being scared eh? So after I clicked through to see that nnyo.blogspot.com doesn't exist... I went shopping (more on that later).
Then a thought occured to me (I am not so fast at times...) Su nnyo.blogspot.com. Holy shit! My own blog is calling me a pussy! Or did I post that comment myself & then blank it from my mind?
Now, so full of self doubt.
Scared? It cannot be.
But thinking about it... in a way I am scared, or wary anyway. Hence the thin veil of anonymity. I'm not wary of giving people the wrong impression, I'm wary of giving people the right impression.
There are things I have experienced in my life that I do not regret, but they are private. They might also have been illegal :) Or at least, frowned upon. And so rather than expose myself to shallow judgement, I'll keep them to myself. Or at least myself & the small number of people who may have experienced those events with me. To share them would be either boastful, or, well actually, pretty much just boastful. And uninteresting to anyone else.
They're my business, in other words.
Lust: Yes, I've done lots & lots of lusting. Some of it successful, some of it unrequited. I still lust, although I am happily married now & content not to convert those random lustful thoughts to action. Also, I am middle aged, and have no intention of making myself look ridiculous. But if anyone wants to know some good places around Wellington to inspire some good, solid lustful thoughts, email me for directions.
Gluttony: I thinkl I covered that one sufficiently in the last post.
Sloth: Ditto. Although I rarely seem to have the time for serious, competition level slothing these days. But it is a native talent.
Pride: Here's where we get sketchy. In fact, I think this is a pretty average mortal sin really. I'm proud of lots of things, but that's not the same thing.
Envy: Probably the only really serious envy I have mustered would involve some of the lustees & those who got, er.. favoured that weren't me. Otherwise, I'm pretty well sorted for material goods. Although I do envy my friend who bought the first DVD hard drive that I ever saw.
Cripes, don't make me have to go look up the other two sins!
Wrath: I'm a pretty level headed guy & have been described as unflappable. That said, as previously mentioned I have lost my rag on a couple of occasions, often with tradespeople or corporations telling me they can't do something I think would be very reasonable for them to do. I can only think of 3 occasions I have lost my temper like that.
Greed: The only real greed I can think of would more appropriately be covered under gluttony. Oh wait, I can kill two with one stone here - I am proud that I am not greedy.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Thursday, November 24, 2005
If I'm going to achieve the dream of being the best, most famous (yet teasingly anonymous), and highly paid (even slightly paid?) blogger in the world...
I'm obviously going to have to post something pretty good up here at some stage.
But hey, that's for next week right? Or next year, voting doesn't finish for a while after all.
Meanwhile, I'm going to have to do something serious about Christmas shopping for the troops. I've already made one expedition, but in time honoured tradition, blew most of my Xmas shopping budget on shirts for myself... (if anyone needs to know, Mr Llew is dressed by Messrs Rodd & Gunn).
I need some discipline obviously. And no, I'm not venturing into Vile File territory (she did it so much better), I mean some determination & commitment.
To that end I'm off to Kirk's in a moment, ostensibly to buy some toys for the young folk, but most likely to ogle some of the shop assistants & buy myself some new shorts to go with those shirts.
And no doubt, on the 23rd or so of December, I'll be out buying everyone else a bunch of obscure DVDs that I always wanted to see. That's the spirit of giving right?
NetGuide People's Choice Web Awards 2006
Posted by llew at Thursday, November 24, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride. Which (if any) have you broken? Give examples.
Lust: Oh yes. I won't go into details, as some of those details (from long ago) involve people I have exhorted recently to vote for me :)
Sloth: My god, I could sloth for my country! Gimme a couch & appropriate relaxants (not always necessaary), and an obscure DVD...
Wrath: Now & then. Not often though. Although once, when I was supposed to be looking after the helpdesk function for a friend of mine who owned a dating agency (long story) this moron called & got both barrels. I should blog that actually.
Envy: No doubt, although I can think of few occasions.
Pride: I'm black. And I'm proud.
I hate memes, so won't be tagging anyone, but feel free to have a go.
Posted by llew at Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Look! A second chance for you to Vote For Me (TM), but in a different competition no less!
Your chance for redemption! Alternatively, a chance for you to vote for yourself again.
The Weblog Awards: Nominations - Best Australia or New Zealand Blog
One young woman's struggle to become the hottest Australian in an Indonesian prison fails...
New Zealand, world, sport, business & entertainment news on Stuff.co.nz: Bribes paid for Leslie's release
Forgive me, is that heartless?
How about this then? Can we surmise that the bribes were paid by the "privileged offspring of Indonesia's elite" to ensure their names were not publicised?
Can we also uncharitably surmise what it was that a gaggle of Australian "lingerie models" were doing with these "privileged offspring of Indonesia's elite"?
Should we care?
Ooh... here are some pictures of Ms Leslie at work.
Oh, and update: Maybe I am being uncharitable in questioning her ah... profession... this wikipedia entry on her suggests she worked (as a model) quite a lot in South East Asia.
And... further update: Saw her in the middle of the media scrum on the news last night. Have to say, 3 months in an Indonesian prison would probably entitle anyone to a dignified return & a little peace & quiet, and the opportunity to do a few lines before having to endure that sort of scene. Even Kate Moss was allowed that right?
New Zealand, world, sport, business & entertainment news on Stuff.co.nz: Brain drain 'to get worse'
I'm sorry, but this is a problem? Look, get rid of all those smart young bastards & pretty soon, I'm gonna be looking pretty damn clever.
Monday, November 21, 2005
And so it came to pass that the sandpit out back of the house was bordered by railway sleepers (let's not freak any artisans out by describing how I cut them to size, you'd never know, OK?), levelled, and declared ready for pavers.
A quick calculation of how may pavers were required, at $15 a pop was made based on My Plan (TM), and the amount of $900 was bandied about for consideration...
A minute or two elapsed before I & my in-house Home Improvement Consultant & Budgetting Planner agreed: Too Fucking Much.
So chances are, we will scrounge around for cheaper (or free) pavers, and liberally dot them around the area in question & surround them with some of the several tonnes of river stones that I have been quietly moving from where they were dumped a month or so ago.
But it'll be grand. And this way, it won't matter if my measurements & railway sleepers are out by a millimetre or two.
Meanwhile, on the campaign front... thank you all for your positive feedback, and votes so far. There's a long road to travel yet, and I am conscious, that much like the beneficiary of Amanda's attentions, I do not want to peak too early. Although let's all hope the experience is just as satisfying.
(I can't believe I stooped to that - although... I suppose it's Amanda who's doing the stooping - keep checking here though, in the last week of the campaign, should things be looking desperate, we might raffle Amanda off).
No such ministrations are required of you, my beloved readers, I'll be happy with your votes. And that of your family & friends. And pets - in fact, invite your pets to gmail so that they have their own email addresses & are eligible to vote.
I am proud to be your candidate in an election in which my chances of winning might be enhanced by my falling drunkenly down a flight of stairs. That's MY kind of gig.
Posted by llew at Monday, November 21, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
You've been sitting round a table with half a dozen friends for about 36 hours straight (not counting convenience trips) playing an elaborate boardgame based on the War of the Roses called Kingmaker. Fuelled by copious quantities of licit & illicit substances, the tides of war have waxed & waned in your favour, you have survived sieges, ambushes, plagues, storms off the coasts of Ireland & France, shipwreck, treachury, and the constant liability of a noble called the Earl of Scrope, but finally, finally, you have amassed a huge army of knights, serfs, mercenaries, mad Gauls & Celts... in and around the beautiful cathedral city of York, just one roll of the dice away from London & unseating the pathetic pretender who calls himself King of England.
You gather the dice with a triumphant flourish, the so-called King turns the next Event Card....
Plague in York.
There is a moment of disbelief - "Well fuck me with a wooden toilet brush!" , then denial, then several moments of downright acrimony.
Those moments suck.
So spare me such a moment, and the ensuing acrimonious posts, when the winner of the next Netguide Best Personal Weblog of the year is announced & vote here for Sunnyo.blogspot.com
On the flipside... there are moments when, for instance, you enter a fine drinking establishment in a little street off Courtenay Place, you have a beautiful, and scantily clad young woman of African American extraction wrapped closely around your person. The first punter who sees you inside the establishment is your recently ex-wife's brother. You manage to pry the young woman's thigh away from your face long enough to say "We're just good friends".
And bonus! Just a few months afterwards, you're at another fine establishment in the same area, this time with a beautiful blonde*, you find yourself standing next to your ex-brother-in-law once again.
Those are times for genial, and sincere, shit eating grins.
You can ensure that I will once again wear such a grin, by clicking here and... etc.
BTW: I really don't want to descend to muckraking in my campaign, but did you know those jokers over at NZBC voted for Peter Dunne in the last election?**
* who you subsequently marry.
** Possibly, there's no way we can be sure they didn't.
Posted by llew at Friday, November 18, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
New Zealand, world, sport, business & entertainment news on Stuff.co.nz: Flu would fill morgues:
"Bodies are likely to be kept in cool stores if the soaring death toll from a flu pandemic outstrips the capacity of morgues."
Posted by llew at Thursday, November 17, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Rest Area 300m - So There
Now our car deck is nearly working... I fancy me one of those signs for out the front.
And just 'cos I linked to this very fine weblog, does not mean it is OK to vote for DodderyOldFart, OK?
VOTE FOR ME!
Bloody hell, a non-existent blogger gets as many hits as me. Sniff.
About Town: Confessions of some dangerous minds...
He may or may not live still...
I'd ask if anyone actually knows the guy, but really, I don't give a shit.
The guy really does exist, About Town made his non-existence up for a wheeze.
It was a stunt. And folks, let's face it, stunts don't win awards (disclaimer: unless they are sustained stunts involving hot female librarians).
So Vote For Me!
Look, go rent & watch Napoleon Dynamite, Election, Rocky, Field of Dreams, and hey, why not, A Fist Full of Dollars too.
Then come back here, refreshed, and alive to the possibilities afforded the noble underdog in this day & age, click on the link here, and vote for SunnyO.
Unconvinced? Here are some recent celebrity endorsements of this site.
"the ever-entertaining Llew at SunnyO" - David Slack
"one of the few I can rely on for daily entertainment." - Wanda Harland
"You are very nice for someone who is entirely nuts." - Ms Vile File
"How the hell did they actually get him off the toilet seat?" - Kowhaikiwi
"Is that really you? I was expecting a naked old man, or Jude Law. Google let me down again." - Ms Vile File
"I'm gonna admit it ... I always thought that sheep photo was a picture of a cow." - Mainlander Mike
"So looking forward to working with you darling." - Pussy Galore (link work unfriendly so omitted)
"Take it off! The people demand it!" - Joanna
"I'm a PMS day away from calling the council and SPCA" - Miss Seph
"Nicely written." - Mainlander Mike
"Brilliant" - Puntiki
"Those are some ugly dogs.... Phew.." - Puntiki
"I am still considering filling the hole with petrol, waiting a few minutes & then tossing in a match" - Llew
"Wow" - Heck
"I would not like that anywhere near my bits and pieces." - Hers
"yes she very good, rednecks like girls mn pretty colour things, she donts look very old," - Peter Quixote
"Thanks on behalf of the ladies, we appreciate the eye candy." - Wanda Harland
"Not safe for Jewish porn fans tho. Shouldn't porn at least try to be inclusive?" - David
"3 words. Too. Much. Time." - DC
"AMEN! TESTIFY!!!" - Che Tibby
"Are you sure you're not making this up?" - Alan
"Wow. I am constantly amazed at the new heights of idiocy that one can discover on the internet." - Miss Seph
"Bloomin' heck. It's all go in the capital city." - Caroline Morphess
"Gosh, it is like being there..." - Wanda Harland
"Something about Miss Lucy in that bikini does raise a smile in Miramar." - Miramar Mike
"is it just me or do those particular tradesmen look kinda gay? - NYC Girl
"I frightened the dog laughing so much at that one." - Caroline Morphess
"I wouldn't know really, I just fast forwarded through to the pole dancing...." - Llew
"There is probably a fetish web site for this sort of thing!' - David
"That is so weird." - Jessie
"...and chocolate salty balls." - Mr Reasonable
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I'd never noticed the countdown taking place at the top of the page, but it was counting down exactly one year from the day she was born. And now Ms File is off to parts unknown.
And how odd. A week ago I was considering doing something similar... now I've been pipped at the post.
The Vile File
Hurry back, we miss you already.
Posted by llew at Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
Were you the geekiest of the geeks at college? A misfit among misfits? Did you identify with Harvey Pekar's geeky friends in American Splendor? Did you think Revenge of the Nerds was slick Hollywood crap? Well, do I have the movie for you! Napoleon Dynamite!
In fact, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this as I don't think I can come close to describing it. But here goes.
Napoleon is a tall gawky maladroit in an American high school. He's the lowest of the low in the school social hierarchy. He's got a monotone drawl, and an arsenal of not very witty non-sequiturs. And a weird imagination... Meanwhile, his older brother makes him look normal. And let's not talk about the creepy uncle Rico who lives with them & sells something not quite identifiable door to door.
Then Napoleon meets & befriends new kid in school, Pedro, who while just as nerdy as him, has a moustache... Pedro also has the balls to ask Summer Wheatley, the most popular girl in school (think Hilary Duff, because Summer is played by Hilary's sister Hayly), to the prom. Summer refuses of course, so Pedro turns his sights on Debs, the girl Napoleon has been plucking up courage to ask, Debs accepts, to Napoleon's dismay...
Not only that, but Pedro decides to run for class president against Summer, and Napoleon agrees to be his campaign manager. They haven't a hope right?
This is as far away as you could possibly get from anything you can imagine really, it's cheap & cheery in the same sort of style as old John Waters films. The acting seems stiff, but after a while you start to think, actually, the acting is amazing! These guys are convincingly unlikable, uber-geeks. John Heder, who plays the title character, was apparently paid $1000 for his services. The movie grossed $40 million... I hope his agent holds out for more next time.
Well worth a look. You will either love it or hate it.
Posted by llew at Monday, November 14, 2005
...and you've been caught.
Ok, mixing my Boomtown Rats & Stranglers references there. Had a lovely weekend, moving gravel from one side of the property to the other. As the truck driver warned, my two types were indeed gravel salad, but by being careful I'm managing to separate most of the round river stones off into their own pile. And the truck driver, did indeed manage to dump the stuff pretty much where we wanted it.
Unlike the mulch delivery guy, who this time was confident with the instructions we gave him. However, rather than choosing to put the truckload on the spot where the last lot clearly had been until now... he dumped it about 30 feet to the South, right on top of a poor little lemon tree that in its short life has endured indignities ranging from a close encounter with a ride-on mower, to two close encounters with sheep. We dug it back out & while a little worse for wear, it will survive. And it is supremely mulched (like, to about a depth of 5 feet).
The most exciting part of the weekend however, commenced when Wilma & I were taking our morning constitutional around the forest. There's a bit of a hole on one side which over the last few years I've been filling up with debris & stuff. I stepped across it that morning & noticed that the earth was somewhat springy. So I jumped up and down a bit to test it. Then I heard a sound behind me, which was so noticeable that it had to be Wilma coming to see what I was doing.
Except that when I looked around, it wasn't Wilma, it was a rat the size of a badger coming to take a look at whatever was using its home for a trampoline.
And I jumped about 10 feet back, doing my very best to channel Fred Flintstone... "Wiiillllmmmmaaaa!!!". While WIlma was no use at all, this noise & movement did startle the rat & it hared off into a toi toi.
So I left it there & went off to reflect & move gravel. I figure where there's one rat that size, there are probably lots more. War was declared.
An hour or two later I was back.... jumping up & down on the springy bit. And sure enough, out it popped to have a look. This time I had Wilma right beside me. And dependable hunting hound that she is... she didn't spot it, being more interested in some smelly stuff a few metres away. But the rat saw her & disappeared back undergound. Otherwise I think I might have been in trouble.
And so a visit to the Otaki metropolis was in order, and there I bought enough rat poison to kill a herd of buffalo, should one wander by. Big soap sized cakes of weatherproof rat bait. And a big punnet of rat pellets, in case this becomes a long drawn out campaign.
I've had major success in the past with killing pests by poking poison down their lair, so why should this be different? And that's exactly what I did, poked 2 cakes of soapy rat poison as far down the hole as it would go, then retired to let the occupants come to terms with their impending departure from this realm.
Now we wait...
Posted by llew at Monday, November 14, 2005
Friday, November 11, 2005
Sunnyo (the blog) is coming up to 1 year old in the next couple of weeks, and we're about to hit 20,000 visitors (that's about 50 a day, which is pretty dire I think, even dweebs get figures like that, or so they say in other people's comments fields).
So, like, tell your friends!. Especially if they're rich & influential & can get me a really high paying fun job. (Or if they're hot, that'd do).
But mustn't complain, quality is preferred to quantity & I am confident that you dear readers, are quality. And hot.
But is that any excuse to be giving away my best material? Which was emailed to me by my younger brother, whose real name is Mungo, in case you needed to know.
But one good turn deserves another & David sent me this, which is amusing.
The New Rules:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he'll will be in the morgue.
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
UPDATE: These rules apparently come from 'Real Time with Bill Maher'. Thanks to Nick Eynon for (three) pointing that out.
Posted by llew at Friday, November 11, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Imagine a big budget movie, replete with rather good (with one exception) CGI underwater effects, an amazing cast including Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Cate Blanchett, Willem Dafoe, Anjelica Huston, Jeff Goldblum, Michael Gambon. And hardly a laugh out loud moment to be had.
Oh, and did I mention that the soundtrack consists of David Bowie songs performed in Portugese? That's the weirdest bit really.
In fact, this movie follows the same pattern set by Wes Anderson's The Royal Tenenbaums, which also featured a terrific cast, but the only really funny performance was by Gwyneth Paltrow of all people.
In The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. Anderson's latest effort, the comedic moments are all stolen by Willem Dafoe, who plays a bizarre German sailor called Klaus, who wears a weird hat, and harbours a father fixation toward Bill Murray's titular Zissou. He's really funny.
The Life Aquatic is about sad sack Murray, playing Steve Zissou, a character very loosely inspired by oceanographer Jacques Cousteau (Cousteau may have invented the radio linked diving helmet, but Zissou first thought of piping dance music through them to keep the divers focussed).
Steve's down on his luck, and scraping together the funds to hunt down the (possibly) mythical Jaguar shark, which he thinks killed his long time partner on their last voyage. Dafoe is his first mate Klaus, aboard his Calypso like vessel, the Belafonte.
Owen plays Ned Plimpton, who may or may not be Steve's long lost son, Huston is his estranged wife (and also the ex wife of his arch oceanographic rival played by Goldblum, who for the record, is "part gay"), Blanchett is a pregnant reporter who everyone forms an attachment to.
The damned movie should have been hilarious, but somehow it isn't.
It looks great though, and has some fantastic shots, like the Belafonte crew emerging from the water with their matching wetsuits & glock handguns (preceded by the 3 legged dog, Cody, that they have inherited) on their way to rescue the "bond company stooge" from Filipino (shades of Sir Peter Blake) pirates.
So I dunno, take a look if it comes your way, but don't bother hunting it down.
Posted by llew at Thursday, November 10, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
The cinema industry has been whinging at the downturn in cinema ticket sales for the last few years, and the advent of High Definition TV & DVD isn't going to help them.
Except, much like the VHS vs Beta wars of the 80s, a battle was looming between the two big HD formats, Toshiba's HD-DVD, and Sony's Blu-Ray.
According to James Berardinelli, who has the most impressive movie review site on the web (his latest book of reviews is out in the bookstores in time for Christmas too), that battle is over, pretty much before it even started. All thanks to Playstation 3.
James Berardinelli's ReelViews - Last Gasps, or the Format War that Wasn't
Posted by llew at Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Beware of toilets in Colorado.
New Zealand's source for oddstuff - strange, weird & bizarre news on Stuff.co.nz: Colorado man glued to toilet seat
Posted by llew at Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Apropos (how I hate that word, I can't believe I used it, but I was feeling lazy, oh, about 5 seconds ago) of nothing :)
I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that blogging can be completely anonymous. I don't know if it's ethical to use your real name. Personally, I don't think it matters*
In fact, I think it's part of the charm that you can post anything up & it's pretty much unverifiable, so long as you're not trying to deceive people, or using the anonymity to attack someone. But then again, blogger allows anonymous commenting so it's always going to happen.
Anyway, quick show of hands:
Do really cool people slag off those less fortunate than themselves for being patently uncool?
Do real super-shaggers boast about it?
* But if you really care, my real name is Sven Magnusson. I am Svedish.
Posted by llew at Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Monday, November 07, 2005
By golly, it was a busy & fruitful weekend. First off I mowed the back lawn, which has not been mowed for weeks & weeks & was lush, and long.
Then I spied the two small tomato plants that I'd bought a few weeks ago & had subsequently neglected. They looked dead.
But ever the optimist, I dug two black polythene planting bags out of the shed, filled them with compost (taking care not to immerse my head in the bag & inhale legionella bacteria, this is a useful tip for inexperienced gardeners - DO NOT PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE COMPOST BAG!), planted the young things & watered them liberally. By the next day they looked fully recovered.
Then I went down the back of the garden with a rubbish sack & started to pick up all the old beef bones that are now waaaay too gross to let Wilma gnaw on. While there, I found an old terracotta pot sitting there doing nothing. So I emptied it. And in doing so, discovered something wondrous, there was an old avocado pit in it which had sprouted!
Hah! I DO remember planting this a while back, the girls heaped scorn on me, sure that it would never sprout. And in fact that was about 2 years ago, so it's taken a while....
So I replanted it carefully into a new pot, with new compost, and once it is big enough, I'll be planting it out at SunnyO. As a mark of respect, I'll call it "Rod", and plant it out near the other plants that I have deferentially named "Nandor".
I'll be sprouting a few more pits in the near future, to much less scorn, I'm sure.
In other gardening news, I potted up 7 young karakas that had sprouted underneath our mature specimen, the next door neighbour will appreciate them to plant on her whanau's "Karaka Mountain".
And I inspected the latest water feature to suddenly & unexpectedly grace our property - deja vu - we're not sure once again if we're dealing with a spring (which are not unknown in our neck of the woods) or an old forgotten water main. I know it's not our actual watermain, because I can see that 6 feet up the side of the garden fence where it has been strung since the builders severed the pipe.
All very perplexing.
About Avocados - Grow Your Own Avocado Tree
Update on the spring. It is coming from the road side of the toby. So no doubt some nice men from the council will come & fix it soon. probably been leaking for decades.
Posted by llew at Monday, November 07, 2005
Dictionary.com/bollard: "A thick post on a ship or wharf"
Although I'm plugging for a new meaning, and I need your help on this, use the word as often as possible and eventually it will enter the common vernacular.
When to use it:
1. A car cuts you off & nearly drives you & your family off the road. You stop, wind down the window & yell at the offending miscreant, "You fucking BOLLARD!"
2. Well you get the idea. Have at it.
NB: Leave no comments telling me the good doctor is only doing what he can for the benefit of the nation. I don't care. He's a bollard.
Posted by llew at Monday, November 07, 2005
Friday, November 04, 2005
STUFF - STORY - Pania found - police interviewing person
It's selfish, I know, but I was kind of hoping they'd have to recast a new Pania & that there might be some sort of documentary perhaps, or even a reality TV show featuring a search for a suitable new model (I have some suggestions) and then some appropriately er... candid "making of" footage.
Posted by llew at Friday, November 04, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
You know you need a 7 foot Robbie the Robot for Christmas.
Public Address | Island Life | Only While Stocks Last
Honestly, some of these things are priceless (except for the er... price).
Well spotted by the redoubtable David Slack
Posted by llew at Thursday, November 03, 2005
...Tuffbert, Dibble & Grub.
I sincerely hope I'm not the only person whose mind is uselessly cluttered with songs & themes from old children's TV shows.
What was it? Camberwick Green? The stop-motion animated firemen who slid down the fireman's pole in time to the above recitation each week? I'm not even going to google it.
OK. How about:
Putty Puss, Musclemutt, Ding-Dong, Rhubarb, Sparkplug & Stutz,
Anybody doing the wrong thing,
Better watch out,
These cats are tough
Yeah, anytime there's a rumble out west,
Who do you call, you call the best,
And everyone knows it's simple as that,
'Cos the best in the west is...
Meanwhile, I used to get the Rupert Annual every year when I was a kid.
New Zealand's source for entertainment news, gossip & music, movie & book reviews on Stuff.co.nz: Rupert gets new home and shoes
And I once got an Airfix model of Fireball XL5 to construct.
Posted by llew at Thursday, November 03, 2005
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
The O'Finnegan boys (younger bro Roman, me & cousin Inglewood) were over at parliament just before, when we ran into our old mate the Hon. Dr Michael Cullen.
"How is life treating you, gentlemen?" he asked.
Just fine & dandy Mikey" I replied, "But bring interest rates down & it'll be treating me a whole lot better."
At this stage, the halls of the old parliamentary building resounded with decidedly uneconomic peals of laughter.
"Then stop spending" was his parting shot. Leaving me no time to reply that all my spending is on increased interest payments.
Posted by llew at Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Recent Keyword searches on this site...
Num Perc. Search Term
1 14.29% old naked men
1 14.29% faramir spanking
1 14.29% jude law
1 14.29% old pictures of naked men
1 14.29% naked pictures of men
1 14.29% instructions for origami cricket
1 14.29% jude law and sienna miller
I'm getting worried...
Posted by llew at Tuesday, November 01, 2005