God Mispelled My Name

A few years back I wrote a letter to the editor railing about the Society for the Promotion of Community Standards trying to get a film banned (the lovely, Y Tu Mama Tambien). In return, I got a letter from God.

No kidding. THE Actual God. Apparently. Disappointingly, not only did God spell my name wrong on the envelope, it was also just a form letter, probably sent to all the sinners (I knew it was because of my published suggestion that the SPCS go burn some books instead of banning films, because the section titled "Pornography & Filth" was highlighted.). I did not feel special. Except that God must have personally delivered it, because it was a recycled envelope. God was in my neighbourhood. Briefly. Before he caught the bus home perhaps - just a stranger on the bus...

You see, God lives in Island Bay, as far as I could make out from the letter. His earthly name is Mariah Seven & he is married to Babette (who suffers from depression, but is a bit better now she gets medication). God however, is not in the phone book, or I would have replied.

Actually, God should get a blog, I could have just linked to him instead of typing all this stuff out.

And so... for your edification... for the sake of your mortal souls even... here are some excerpts from "a fraction of the facts in the Testimony of Mr Mariah Seven and Mrs Babette Seven." It is not all bad. Some good advice even...

"In the beginning, the Heavenly Planet was created by God for Himself and His Wife & Children..."

"...Incidentally, we are both Pakeha. We find Maoris very spiritual but they need to be brought into the 21st century. As this happens, the crime rate among them will go down and so will drinking and smoking we hope."

"We have no wish to change Christmas, but for those interested, Jesus was born on the 27th of October."

"About smacking children - the indignity of a mild smacking may help the situation. If the little buggers threaten to leave home rush out and buy them a suitcase before your luck changes..."

"Regarding the family - it is much better to have a good quality of life for two, three or four children than to give continual birth like cats or dogs. For those parents who talk of abstaining, whata miserable and unnatural life and anyway, I can assure you long suffering ladies that your partner is not abstaining. He is making whoopee with women who are on the pill or maybe he is trying to catch AIDS. By the way parents, teach your children that a bit more kindness to animals would not go amiss.

"Solhannan - The Capital City of the Heavenly Kingdom is called Solhannan. it is also the name of our spaceship which is based in the Sun. We also have 3 Scouters..."

"I personally apologise to all those who have been persecuted by the Church. I also apologise to all those who are still being persecuted by certain Church ministers. I intend to keep on doing something about it."

"If one must engage in a bit of stray, use a good condom, thus avoiding the plague Syphilis."

"DO NOT APPROACH US EXCEPT TO SAY HELLO OR THE LIKE."

"It may be of interest to many people to know that the Star of Bethlehem was one of our 3 Scouter ships."

"In case some folk want to know why Jesus only had men for disciples, well in those days no self respecting girl would be seen running around with a gang of rough men. jesus was always dignified, but some of His disciples were a bit on the rough side."

"... a lover is a man who is in love not some creep who's (sic) testicles are dropping off with over-use and/or some disease. Plan your children, there are too many unhappy accidents in this world, but if you don't want children discuss it together before marriage. A little family is nice though."

"Outdoors - Now don't expect people to be covered from head to toe at the beach etc. But if you only realised that you don't look very respectable with your breasts dangling and your bottoms hanging out. What is wrong with a pretty and reasonably modest outfit! I can tell you all that you won't be prancing in the nude on Seven, and you won't be sharing it all out either. Some of your hairstyles would even shock Jezebel and she was hard to shock."

"Revelations, Holy Bible. No child is raised for destruction. Therefore, the false prophet is a life like male Robot with an advanced and evil computer brain. His holiness the anti-Christ manipulates the Robot and he calls it God. and gives it orders to kill the enemies of the papal regime. In those days very shortly after 2000 AD pray to God in His Son's Name of Jesus that the evil Robot computer will not attach itself to you."

"A good home is a mum and/or dad, mostly being home to look after and become a companion to their little ones. But for goodness sake parent/s, don't soak their brains in religion, as there are some pretty queer religions doing the rounds."

"Yuk and Vomit - I have been reading through many menus, and I have found the most disgusting of eats advertised. Pig, Maggots, Grubs, dead Seagulls, offal, Opossums, Snakes, Rats, Bats, Kangaroos, some seafoods, Bugs, Dogs, Cats and much more. And when you go down with some mystery or known sickness, I suppose you will expect me to "zap" you better. Try a pot of mixed boiled vegetables, instead of all this cafe and hotel muck. Some places however, do put on a good meal. Try and get out of the habit of giving your kids dyed water and fatty rubbish for their school lunch. What's wrong with soup and a couple of sandwiches for them. As for you Maoris and Islanders try to stop sucking on bottles of alcohol like Pakehas do. Alcohol never got the white race anywhere, and grog for the dark races is a tragedy. Wake up people, and eat simple yet good food. Some menus make me gag, but if one is starving they are excused. - God"

So there you are. A fraction of the fraction of the facts in the Testimony of Mr Mariah Seven & Mrs Babette Seven.

As communicated to me, personally, by God.