Left Hand, say hello to Right Hand

Yeah banging on about poor service is a cheap and obvious shot I know – but what the heck, eh? As a passive sport its not bad fun (and it sure beats hunting with Dick Cheney).

I’m sure everyone’s got a tale of woe regarding service provision (sic) that’s a little less than stellar, but my recent experiences with getting Sky Digital (name changed to protect the innocent) installed at home were an invaluable source of fascination with bureaucratic minutiae.

So yeah, after years of resistance, we finally broke down and decided to get Sky. What with the dual attractions of Disney Channel and the impending Soccer World Cup to whet the appetite, we folded like a cheap suit last week.

After a little bit of research we worked out the best installation incentive for us (which meant loads of free pay-per-views), and booked the installation for two weeks hence.

That very same evening (spooky) we received a cold-call from Sky, offering an even better deal (half the install fee plus 2 months free). It was too good to resist, particularly in our weakened state.

So we decided to take the second deal.

I mentioned to the friendly telesales dude that we had an existing installation already booked, but we’d like to take the second deal, which also had in its favour an install scheduled for 2 days hence instead of 2 weeks (by now our anticipation was fevered).

“That’s easy to arrange sir, all you have to do is ring the people with whom you arranged the first installation, explain the situation, and cancel the first deal”

“Uh, sure, but those first people are YOU, aren’t they?” I said, already feeling a little uneasy about the limitless possibilities for cock-ups.

“Oh no sir, while they are part of the same company, we work out of different offices, and you’ll need to contact them direct”.

“Hmmm, OK, well I’ll give them a buzz in the morning”.

So next morning, I rang and cancelled the first deal and installation, no problems.

2 days later on D-Day, P has cancelled her plans to wait patiently at home for the Sky TV installer, who was due between 9 and 12.00. Around 12.00, she rings Sky TV, who announces that they have no record of the scheduled installation and that the Telesales team should have notified them if it was, indeed, arranged.

“Well, it was definitely scheduled through your Telesales area, and I’ve definitely taken the day off work to be here, so it would be great if you could send someone over now” P said.

Miraculously, after a little more coercion from P and a couple of phone calls up the food-chain, an installer arrived to do the job that day at about 3.00pm.

Meanwhile, at the same time I get a strange call at work from Sky TV Telesales.

“Hi, is this Mr L?”

“Yes”, I say

“Mr L, we have been trying to get hold of you for several days now, but we only have your home number, and all we get is your answer machine.”

“Well, that’s because we are usually all at work or school during the day. When you encountered the answer machine, did you by any chance leave a message?”

“-Silence-“

“OK, I’m guessing you didn’t leave a message. Do you want to tell me now?”

“Ah yes Mr L, we were ringing to let you know that your scheduled installation for today cannot be done, and will have to be rescheduled for next Friday”.

“Hmmm, OK, my wife P has taken the day off work today for this installation, and I don’t think either of us will be able to take the day off next Friday. But I think P has already been speaking to Sky today, have you called our house this morning?”

“Ummm, that wasn’t me who rang. I’m not sure who that could have been”

“OK, why don’t you call her now?”

“Sure”.

So this poor fool from Telesales calls P at home.

“Hello Mrs P, I am ringing to apologise. Unfortunately your scheduled installation for today has had to be rescheduled”

“Well” said P, looking at the Sky TV installation dude in our living room busy doing his stuff, “Have you heard the ancient Arabic parable of the left hand talking to the right hand?”

“-confused silence………..”

So is there a moral to the story? – Nah, but there must be some kind of weird inverse mathematical relationship between the monopoly of a service and the inherent difficulties customers face in obtaining it (witness the recent struggles of Keith at Public Address to get a phone service.)