I'm having trouble finding the Knights Templar in the phone book...

You may remember that last April, as the world awaited a new pope, I took it upon myself to unmask the Antichrist. It was just a little public service, I figured.

Anyway, we’re so over him now, and onto our next crisis of someone else’s faith in the leadup to the release of the Da Vinci Code:

The whereabouts of the Holy Grail

Is the grail some old cup? Or some old person? Or, as Michael Baigent, Dan Brown and God knows who else reckons, a family bloodline? (Oops, my bad, in case that spoiled the Da Vinci Code for anyone (it was the Vatican Messenger whodunnit).

At this stage of the proceedings, I have no clue as to where the Grail rests. If there is any justice, it’ll be, as Neil Gaiman wrote in one of his short stories, sitting in a 2nd hand shop waiting for some old dear to take a fancy to it. Keep your eyes on Antiques Roadshow! “Ooh – I have the greatest pleasure in telling you that your family heirloom toby jug, is THE Holy Grail!, should fetch a few quid at auction.”

But I digress. I lack the time to visit the Rennes le Chateau & start digging. So I’m going to need some inside knowledge. A few clues…

I need to speak to a Knight Templar (that’s their patron saint Simon in the picture).

I know, I know, you want the world to think you were all massacred around a thousand years ago, but rest assured, come forward & keep all your personal details confidential, we have privacy laws after all. All I need is some verifiable proof that the Holy Grail exists, its location, and one publicity shoot of me with the Grail in various humorous poses.

So put the word around – if you, or any of your relatives are freemasons especially, have them mention this to their Grand Master Poobahs, or whatever they’re called, if anyone’s going to know a Templar, it’ll be them. Or indeed it may be them!