How was Dr Who last night?

I've decided to experience TV vicariously. Actually, it's because I always forget to tape the shows that I'd like to see. Ironically, I manage to remember (must be the constant nagging) to tape the dross that other family members want to see.

So. I am completely up to date with the angst & shenanigans (that'd be a great name for a rock band don't you think?) that is Gray's Anatomy.

But I completely forgot to tape the last two episodes of Dr Who. I was interested to see how they handled bringing back the K9 character, since that object was one of the reasons I stopped watching the show back when Jon Pertwee was the Dr. That, and shifting countries & finding out I had no fecking idea what was going on anymore - Time Lord? What's THAT shit!? And I hated Tom whatisface who came next.

Anyway... K9 was pretty lame, is he/it still?

And then last night, correct me if I'm wrong, the cybermen reappeared. Those guys used to completely shit me. Looking back at photos now, from the Patrick Troughton days (now THERE was a Dr Who!), I have to say they looked even lamer than K9, silver suits with what was that? - a kettle on their heads? I tell you, if it came to a stoush between them & the Borg, I think the Borg might die laughing. Anyway, just shows that since they completely paralysed me with fear & suspense, there was more to it than the cheap costuming.

So how'd they go? Anyone, anyone?

It's not my bag, baby! | the wellingtonista

Does anyone know this shoplifter?

It's not my bag, baby! | the wellingtonista

Hudson injured in pole-dancing mishap

I don't know why... it's just one of those headlines that catches the eye. And imagination.

You don't hear of many pole dancing mishaps do you? Or maybe you do.

Hudson injured in pole-dancing mishap

Latest Animal Control News...

I'm walking around in the darkness...

Two figures swim out of the blackness towards me. I say "Animal control?"

We chat. They are polite. Somehow they know my name... They tell me that several people have been ticketed. No-one I know anyway. They also tell me that the complaints sparking this action came from the gardeners, who told them there is a "huge problem" with dog poo & uncontrolled dogs. They give me the impression they think that might be an exaggeration. I'm on the verge of asking them how long they intend to keep the patrols up...

Another figure swims out of the darkness, attached to a small, black dog. He obviously sees three figures in the gloom, and an indeterminate number of dogs in attendance.

He shouts: "No Gestapo tonight then?"

I nearly fall over laughing. Realising that my moment for gleaning intelligence is lost, I answer: "...Yes. There are."

GIVE UP GIBSON OR WE BOMB AUSTRALIA SAYS ISRAELI PM

Hee hee!

Kiwi Herald: GIVE UP GIBSON OR WE BOMB AUSTRALIA SAYS ISRAELI PM

Although the pedant in me has to point out that Gibbo (Mello?) is about as Australian as Sam Neill is Kiwi. Ie, not really (Gibbo is American by birth, Neill is English).

That sorted, I should point out that Russell Crowe IS actually Australian, because we gratefully gifted him to that nation as revenge for the underarm bowling incident. Good luck guys!

Back to topic... Also, Gibbo is 4 feet shorter than Osama.

Hat tip to KiwiHerald. Good work fellas!

When is Mad Max 4 coming out anyway?

Sharks in the Park.

Jungle warfare. Guerrilla tactics. Subterfuge & camouflage. The age old game between hunters & their quarry. And their dogs.

The sharks are in the park! The Man! Smokey! Fuzz! Pigs! Beeeeaaaarrrrr! In their big vans & utes with lights & fluoro signs along the bodywork. “WCC Animal Control”.

Covert flashlight signals & secret passwords at night. “ALL CLEAR!” and later “INCOMING!” And scatterings through the bush.

The buggers are learning though, park the van someplace conspicuous, then send scouts on foot…

I don’t know what happened to the unspoken agreement between the council & locals, that white, middle-class residents have carte blanche to treat the Wgtn Botanic Gardens as their back yards. Free to let their dogs roam ahead or lag well behind, harass tourists, chase birds, fight other dogs, and shit on the paths.

Oh wait, actually I do know… there never was such an agreement. That didn’t stop one chap, who should know better, from sternly telling a dog ranger that “The council has said that they turn a blind eye to dogs off leads here!”. Heh! As if. The council employed dog ranger didn’t appear to know that. Or if he did, he wasn’t letting on. I didn’t know that either, although I’ve heard it optimistically said that that is the case, but not by the council, so it really doesn’t count.

So far, to my knowledge, all that’s been handed out are warnings, which to be honest, I think is rather sporting of them. For the record, Wilma has not received a warning. Because we are responsible dog owners. And we haven’t yet been caught.

A lot more dogs attached to their owners by leads these days though.

Today's criminal mastermind stories.

Hard on the heels of the guy who got shot holding up a gun store with a machete...

Criminal signs bomb threats with own name & address...

Prison escapees flag down undercover cop...

Novelist Nigel Cox dies from cancer

Bugger. He'll be sadly missed.

New Zealand, world, sport, business & entertainment news on Stuff.co.nz: Novelist Nigel Cox dies from cancer

I recommend Tarzan Presley very highly.

Made in Eureka - this had me going for a moment

A microwave in an oven mitt? A cryokennel - don't leave your pet in a dog home, freeze him instead?

Do watch the videos...

Made in Eureka

Random look at another blog

Does anyone ever go take a look at the Wig? It used to have some of the very best dating tips you'll ever find on the web.

And it was a ferocious combatant in the legendary Blog Wars.

It's not the first place I ever saw the term "ad hominem" but I think it holds the record for labelling its contributors with it (quite deservedly sometimes, The Wig himself polarised his audience quite remarkably). Although, they did a good line in it themselves too sometimes.

But it had its moments.

Hah. Cheap shots I know. I confess I used to go there to ask which one of them wore The Wig. Then the Wig came off & I think the place lost its edge.

Blair's gone. And site has regained an edge, but not one I particularly like. Tim Selwyn's comment at the end of this post is telling. And as for this one....

So... something I never thought I'd say... Bring Back Blair!

And before anyone accuses me of "ad hominem" attacks... I say "So?"

Fact... Or Bullshit?

As the late, great (is he dead or is that my imagination?) Jack Palance once said.

Received this today, sounds like bullshit to me, anyone know for sure?

This from my street wise sister in law

Subject: Phoney Phone call - confirmed by Telstra and Telecom

I got a call last night from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T Service technician who was conducting a test on our telephone lines.

He stated that to complete the test I should touch nine (9),zero (0), hash (#) and then hang up.

Luckily, I was suspicious and refused. Upon contacting the telephone company, I was informed that by pushing 90#, you give the requesting individual full access to your telephone line, which allows them to place long distance telephone calls billed to your home phone number.

I was further informed that this scam has been originating from many of the local jails/prisons.

DO NOT press 90# for ANYONE.

PLEASE pass this on to your friends. If you have mailing listsand/or newsletters from organisations you are connected with, I encourage you to pass this on.

The Kirks' Pig

I've always had my eye on that life size ceramic pig that adorned the 2nd floor of Kirkcaldies. I always thought "If I ever have $1200 surplus, and all my entertainment technology needs sorted... that pig is mine! It'll look really great... somewhere..."

Sadly, I didn't see the advertisement for the Kirks' sale which said that amongst the items on sale was:

"Clarry the pig - $650 - Qty 1."

Apparently it was one of the first items to go - a man, who'd had his eye on it for years (weirdo) was at the head of the queue, went running up the stairs ahead of the throng, and secured Clarry the pig.

I'll miss her.

Hasselhoff to star in musical based on his life

WTF!? News of the Week.

Stuff.co.nz: Hasselhoff to star in musical based on his life

I've heard Herbie the Love Bug is an outside chance for the role of "Kitt".

Someone should write a book about it.

In fact, now I think about it, they may have...

This isn't my story to tell, so I'll mention no names... and some details may be changed, but as William Golding said at the beginning of Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, much of what follows is true.

Many, many, years ago, the son of an English baronet (who was a long serving British MP) came to New Zealand to run the family business. On the voyage here, his mother, who allegedly had "the sight", pointed to a young woman on board & claimed "That's your future wife."

And it came to be. They settled in New Zealand, had 3 lovely children, two sons & a daughter, and sent them all to boarding schools.

The daughter moved to Europe & was well known in horsey circles. I don't know the details, and for the purpose of this story, they're none of our business, but she became pregnant to someone her parents thought was inappropriate, or maybe he was just unwilling to marry her. Like I said, it doesn't matter.

The child, a son, was adopted out. Life went on.

Some 30-40 years later, the daughter was home in New Zealand, and she was tracked down by her son.

And here is the amazing thing - her son was raised by a quite famous English person & his wife, and when grown up, entered British politics, becoming an MP. When he found his birth mother, not only was he astonished that he was the great grandson of an English baronet who was a long standing MP, but he discovered that he was occupying his great grandfather's chambers...

Spooky huh?

So anyway, the son of the baronet that this story started with, turned 100 last week. Happy birthday Sir X. May you have many more.

Bye, Bye, Black Sheep

And then there were 3!

What’s with it with sheep then eh? Last week, we came back from lunch & paused while the gate was opened for the car to drive in… The same thought went through all of our minds it turns out:

“Why is there no fence between us & that sheep?”

Seems I inadvertently left a gate open (first time ever). One of the sheep was brave enough to come on out for a reccie. Just a few cabbage tree leaves nibbled. When we got home she knew she was where she shouldn’t be & scarpered back through the gate. Even before we released the hound.

Then this week… it was a day trip only, and the same thought did not go through everyone’s heads… only mine:

“Fuck… dead sheep.”

And sadly, the little black sheep known as Jazz (far right) was lying on her side, very near where, less than a year ago we found Plain. And it looked like whatever killed Plain, also killed Jazz. Which I don’t know, could be pretty much anything, except anything that’s mentioned in my Small Farming Bible in the chapter on things that kill sheep.. But last weekend she was fine & sprightly. The neighbours had seen nothing amiss, and they look out for them. Seems she was fine on Friday even.

I guess they are no spring lambs these days. I also suppose that like humans, sheep can just keel over dead sometimes…. No marks on her, a bit of foam around her mouth.

Anyway, I have no intention of agonising over what killed her or Plain. I dug a really big hole & buried her – and once again, the surviving sheep gathered round the spot she’s buried, whether it is the smell of her, or whether they’re just nosey about the new patch of freshly dug earth, I dunno.

We’ll keep a close eye on the others, but I’m pretty sure they haven’t caught anything, can’t imagine she was poisoned by anything, and they have plenty of shelter from the weather (not to mention thick woolly coats).

And we’ll see if we can get one or two more sheep to help with the Summer growth…

Another odd google search...

"why does robert shaw wear long pants in the movie the deep"

why does robert shaw wear long pants in the movie the deep - Google Search

Why indeed? A devoted reader from Tinley Park, Illinois wants to know.

Oh my... more TV should be like this...

Fox News "interviews" a fundie Christian.

That's what I call Entertainment...

Andrew Sullivan | The Daily Dish: YouTube for the Day

Hat tip to David Farrar.

Henry Moore - Christo-ed?

Remember a few months back that the city council was worried that someone might steal the 2.5 tonne Henry Moore statue that sits at the edge of the Botanic Gardens near Salamanca Road?

I mean, since they planted the idea I thought I might as well steal it, but then I changed my mind (got it home, regretted it & snuck it back the next morning.

Anyway, I’m not sure what is happening here… either the council has decided to disguise the statue from prospective thieves…. Or it represents a new work of art in itself. Perhaps by Christo?

Mickey Spillane/Mike Hammer RIP

Mickey Spillane is dead! To be honest, I thought he'd probably died years ago. Can't remember which of his books I've read - a handful of the Mike Hammer yarns though. Probably I the Jury (which also made a very sleazy movie with Armand Assante, Barbara Carrera, some spectacular looking chick who played Mike's secretary Velda, lots of violence, nudity & sex. Recommended, obviously.

I have never though, got around to seeing (nor possibly reading) Kiss Me deadly, which was apparently turned into one of the sleaziest movies ever made. Not in an explicit sense, more in a "you'll want a shower after viewing it" sense. SO also recommended!

What I do recall of the books though, is that Spillane, and his alter ego, Hammer, equated toughness with good detective work. Some guy I teased recently in a thread somewhere else, was talking about "crime scene protocols", Hammer's idea of a crime scene protocol would be to pistol whip the witnesses until they talked. And possibly shoot them for good measure.

Purely from memory, one of the books had Hammer saying something along the lines of:

"How good a detective am I? Listen honey, I once gave it to a guy in the stomach with a steak knife. That's how good a detective I am".

And can't we all be reassured by that? Give that man a taser!

Mike Hammer was a low rent Phillip Marlowe, a hard boiled private detective. Violent, misogynistic, angry...

Spillane himself, never really got the accolades afforded his detective author rivals like Dashiell Hammett & Raymond Chandler (and in my opinion, those two latter authors were somewhat more sophisticated writers), yet the few dozen books he wrote were phenomenally popular - something that Spillane never tired of rubbing his critics' noses in.

The Unofficial Mickey Spillane Mike Hammer Site - Home

And heh... ever seen the Japanese movies featuring private detective Mike Hama? There were 3 of them, and then a TV series apparently. The guy who played Hama (Masatoshi Nagase) was also in Jim Jarmusch's Mystery Train, and a very cool (literally) film set in Iceland, called Cold Fever.

All these are also recommended.

Roll up, roll up...

Nice & discreet



Hat tip to Foundphotos

Just in by email...

The truth, and nothing but the truth

SALES: "You want answers?"

ACCOUNTING: "I think I'm entitled."

SALES: "You want answers??"

ACCOUNTING: "I want the truth!!"

SALES: "You can't handle the truth!!" Son, we live in a world that requires revenue.... who's going to find it? You...in accounting? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You scoff at Sales & Marketing and you curse at our incentives. You have that luxury... You have the luxury of not knowing what we know, that while tragic, current expenses are driving new sales. And that our efforts and tactics, while grotesque and incomprehensible by you, drives REVENUE!

You don't want to know the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at staff meetings....you want us on that sale; you NEED us on that sale! We use words like comps, upgrades, discounts; we use these words as the backbone of the time spent sucking up to a customer and negotiating something....you use them as a punch line! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain ourselves to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of income I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up the phone, solicit some customers and book a sale.

Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

ACCOUNTING: "Did you expense the lap dances?"

SALES: "I did my job..."

ACCOUNTING: (shouts) "Did you expense the lap dances?????"

SALES: (shouting) "You're goddamn right I expensed the lap dances!!"

No idea where it came from, other than my mate Geoff from Sales in Melbourne.

3 Things I Wish I'd Never Said

1. (To 3 attractive women in a bar) "So... which escort agency do you work for?"

Caused a riot.

2. (To a large lady blocking the footpath, who said "You can get round me, can't you?") "Probably, given half an hour & a motorbike?"

Public display of profanity.

3. (To a traffic officer who introduced himself as "Bill Orange") "Like the fruit?

Dissolved instantly, all sympathy to my plight.

By all means tell me your moments in the sun.

Fast And Safe. Ie: Faster = Safer

Check this out!

Remember, no-one is saying that they want the right to speed. But one of the following site's stated aims is:

"Because time is money, our need for greater speed and efficiency always drives progress."

Fast And Safe

And if someone cleverer than me can explain the point of the Facts & Myths about kinetic energy... please do, it argues that the following statement (from the LTSA) is rubbish:

"Exceeding the speed limit generates dangerous levels of kinetic energy" because:

"The kinetic energy of cars is insignificant compared with heavy vehicles"

So... cars are safe when they're speeding, because there are other vehicles which are less safe.

Right...

Anyway. I think it's tosh, put up by people who have way too much time perhaps. Who like speeding, but judge for yourselves.

But just to finish, because it's in the page labelled:

"Statistics taken out of context are completely meaningless." here's a quote taken out of context

"We all know places, times and conditions where driving at 140 kph (or 100 kph) is stark, raving lunacy. Equally there are other places, times and conditions where it may not be at all dangerous"

Strangely disturbing viewing

I can't mention where this came from... (some) people may come & tell me that 1. I should never mention it and 2. I may catch something...

But have a look at this, it's the All Black haka, from, I'm told, 1979. Hard men if memory serves, great team. Fantastic hair... crap, effeminate haka...

Hat tip ... er... the Hard News guy...

One of the odder Google searches to end here

extraction fans for chinese takeaways - Google Search

A long way to go to upset "Nicky Watson Topless" Which has eclipsed all other Google searches!

Way to go Nicky! Nice conage.

Came across this Otaki site today.

Some cool places to stay, should you visit. It's a hell of a lot of pages into a google search on "Otaki". I think everyone whould visit, link to them & bring them up the ranks.

I realise I have met the owners. In fact, the Forest o'Llew is visible behind one of the houses on this page.

Otaki beach holiday accommodation - the ultimate venue

Click through the links, some nice photos. I'm interested in The Ultimate Venue - Say what? "A fully transportable lounge bar"? That sounds like a winner.

Fun with photos

I don't know how Alan did this, but doesn't he look like Alick Shaw?

Now, compare him with the real thing... go to google image, & type in "Alick Shaw", oh OK, I've prepared one in advance, just click here.

Here's the interesting bit, and I only came across this, because I went to the Wellington City Council site first, and looked Cr Shaw up there.

And I thought hang on, that doesn't look like Alan! So then I went back & did the google image search. And there he is, in the middle, right?

That's the Alick Shaw I know. Now click on that image.

Magic! Are they the same person? If so, which image is the more recent?

If I get another spare mo', I may try the same thing with Prendergast. Eh... no, I won't. See too many lame pictures of her anyway.

half-pie: black macbook

The Magical Mr Maintenance

Actually, the pretty incompetent Mr Maintenance. It's fittings & appliances 2, Mr Maintenance Nil.

It started a few weeks ago, when Aspidestra asked me if I could possibly change the lightbulb over the office shower unit.

Sure, I said, how hard is it to change a lightbulb?

Well first thing is, it's a really high stud. And the lightbulb is situated right over the slippery shower stall. So anyway, I clambered up onto the windowsill to take a closer look. And dang me if I couldn't figure out how to get at the recessed lightbulb, let alone exchange it for another.

Weeks passed. Then, inspired, I got out the office stepladder & examined an identical light fitting that wasn't situated over a shower stall. Easy.

So back to the shower... except I could not reach the light from the stepladder, nor from the windowsill.

But hey, I'm resourceful. I dragged a large coffee table, and manoeuvred it into the shower stall. Then I got the stepladder & set it on the coffee table. Then I got up there & removed the lightbulb. After that, I had a little trouble getting the new bulb in. And suddenly, the stepladder & the coffee table parted company. But I grabbed the shower stall & saved myself from injury.

But I snapped a crucial piece of the shower door, and now need to identify what make & model it is, and who is the local supplier of little custom made shower door connectors...

And then, this morning, on arrival at work I couldn't help but notice that the coffee machine wasn't working (EMERGENCY!!). Neither was the fridge, nor the dishwasher. But the lights were.

So I located the fuse box, and figured out which switch needed switching... and the fridge, and (THANK GOD!!) the coffee were restored. But not the dishwasher. ALthough Mr Maintenance was able to figure that the problem lies with the dishwasher, not the power socket. And it's got some sort of safety lock (to avoid any nasty dishwashing accidents presumably, yeah, there are a lot of those.) so that I am unable to open it, and most of our dishes & cutlery are in there.

And the emergency dishwasher repair team (slight tangent here, did you know that there is a V L Martin in the phone book? I dunno, maybe it's Vince! OK, not as amusing as a Mr Itchiass I suppose) cannot come until monday. Shock. Horror! Someone (possibly the junior member of the team) will be washing dishes by hand.

Pessimists say that these things come in threes. Let's hope not.

By the way, does anyone have any useful suggestions for disposing of old, broken microwave ovens? Suggestions that do not involve driving them to a landfill? At the moment, they're cluttering up our basement, I'd quite like someone to come & take them away.

More on Losser

Because I don't want you to think that he was a loser, in any way shape or form, he was just self deprecating. And liked a whinge about his lot, before rebounding with a dodgy plan to put the world, or at least his place in it, to rights.

I wasn't suggesting that the Tour Guide gig was a come down for a lawyer. By no means. I'm quite certain that when he found that job, he realised he'd found his dream vocation: travel, the chance to show off & have a laugh and get paid for it, single female tourists.

Losser came from Hastings. I met him several years before we flatted together, he was actually at my 21st!

He funded his studies, largely by trading in 2nd hand cars. He'd bus home to Hastings for the holidays, buy a used car of some description, drive it back to Wellington & use it for much of the term, before selling it & busing back to Hastings for the next holiday.

The idea was, and it largely worked, that 2nd hand cars were cheaper in Hastings, so he could buy there & sell here for enough to pretty much fund the next term. He had to be a bit careful though, there was & possibly still is a limit on how many 2nd hand cars you can buy & sell in a year before you have to register as a Licensed Motor Vehicle Dealer.

It didn't always work though, I recall the flat had the use of a very old, and very distinguished looking Citroen. We ended up pushing that car further than it ever carried us. It didn't help that we lived on a hill.

Losser loved it though, it looked cool. But neither he, nor anyone else in our flat was particularly mechanical & the thing was a bit of a plum coloured elephant.

He ended up selling it to a Citroen enthusiast for a bit less than he wanted. And to his chagrin, he saw that car out & about on the road, in a very short space of time, with its new owner, clearly fully repaired & restored.

The next car was a little yellow mini cooper. Which was fitting, because that was his surname - Mini.

That mini served him (not to mention the whole flat) very well. Additionally, the knob on the gear stick was clear resin of some sort, with a daisy set in it. The vendor had assured Losser that this gear stick was a huge assistance in "Pulling the chicks". Losser forced his momentary speculation as to exactly how this could be so, aside and bought the car. Daisy gear stick & all.

And lo! At this stage in his life Losser embarked on his 2nd major relationship!. All hail the plastic daisy gear stick!

I shifted out of that flat & pretty much lost track of him a few years later, mutual friends kept me up to date to some extent, but I see few of those mutual friends anymore either.

But wherever he is, I'm confident he's having a great time, dreaming up dodgy, money making plans, and chasing women!

Unless of course, he came back, settled in Hastings & has a wife & kids...

Speaking of flatmates & losers....

I had another flatmate who used to lose things. In fact, she married a schoolmate of mine, and they could both have lost for New Zealand. If losing things was a sport.

But, what shall we call her... Trudi... used to bike down to her work from home, chain the bike up outside, work all day (or evening, it was a hotel), get a taxi home, have dinner, sleep, get up to bike to work...

You get the drift. This happened more than once. The bike was always gone from where it had been chained up.

She'd lose purses, coats, umbrellas, anything that wasn't physically attached to her.

Trudi once asked if she could borrow my umbrella to get to work. I said "no, you'll lose it". She argued. She wheedled. I gave in. She came home & I asked "Where is my umbrella?" She'd lost it.

In fact, she'd lost it just down the road on her way to work, popped into a dairy, let go of the umbrella for a moment... and walked on to work without it.

Later, she & my schoolmate moved to a small town. He was a keen diver. He'd go diving, come home, unload the car, put his tanks & gear in the driveway out front of the car, go inside... next time he was going diving, he'd wonder where his tanks & gear had got to.

This happened more than once. His insurance company stopped insuring his gear.

But the crowning moment... Trudi took their very young son with her to a netball game. She left the boy with friends & went off to play a blinding game. They won! Afterwards, she got home, announced her triumph to her husband, who asked "Where's the baby?"

At least they got him back fairly quickly.

What are we to make of this loss?

I used to have a flatmate, always moaning that “Life dealt him deuces”. Always asking “Why am I such a loser?”

He was a lawyer. Or at least, he was a law student at the time. He did graduate, but chose to travel the world & eventually found his place in the cosmos… as a Trafalgar Tour Bus Guide. He’s been doing that for decades (unless my news is a little out of date).

Anyway, he was so secure in his self chosen status, that he planned to get a sweatshirt screenprinted with “Loser”. But then, in a moment of inspiration – he was quite witty actually, I may blog one day about the NZ Continuance Society that he created, his answer to the Temperance Society. That was back in the days when each election, we would vote as to whether our electorates would be “dry”. As in, no beer.

I’m digressing, but the NZ Continuance Society used to meet each Wednesday night at the Brunswick Arms. Old barmen there may remember us. Or not.

But anyway, in a moment of inspiration… and that reminds me, the NZ Continuance Club’s patron was that MP who fell over on his way home, possibly in a drunken stupour… Keith Someone… And I nearly lost my job distributing Continuance Club flyers around work, when it turned out the GM was an avid tea totaller. I got off with a warning.

So, inspired…. He had his sweatshirt emblazoned with “Losser”. Get it? He was such a loser, he couldn’t even spell it.

I came across this particularly heartrending example of “tagging” earlier today. I walk past this spot twice a day & this is the first time I’ve noticed it. SO maybe it appeared sometime during the wild & wet night. Who knows? I may just never have seen it.

And it gave me pause for thought. Has tagging entered some existential phase? Was it some grieving English soccer fan?

I expect the stupid & incomprehensible names. I expect the odd bit of political comment. I expect bravado, arrogance & panache. Am I expecting too much from graffiti?

I do not expect pain, grief, despair and loss.

On the other hand, maybe the vandalising fuck deserved it. Losser.

Army. Is this usual?

I'll ask the guy myself sometime, but without going into details (because it's a secret mission for my eyes only, OK?), I have been reading a missive this morning, or perhaps more properly, a "despatch", from the NZ Defense Force.

And what I find really interesting, is that the document does not refer to "the Army" throughout, it refers to "Army". Like it's a single entity. Or something. Like this:

"The first requirement for Army, therefore..."

"Again, it is fair to say that Army does not..." and

"This short document proposes that Army develop..."

At least one person with military experience comes here - is this the norm? Are Navy & Airforce referred to the same way?

Well, Airforce probably IS a single entity these days...

Hey, hey, my shit don't fly....

We listen to the radio at work. Because we can. And I'm very generous, I let the guys choose the station, because I know they'll whinge if I tune into National Radio.

So we tend to get 91FM first thing in the morning, because one colleague finds Polly & Grant quite funny... later, we change the station elsewhere.

It's become a bit of a joke, that the day does not properly start until we hear Shakira's latest song. Whose title, "My Hips Don't Lie". I discerned only yesterday.

Until then, I'd idly sung along (under my breath).

"Hey, hey, my chips won't fry.
Hey, hey, I'm looking fucking spry"

But when we hear the telltale brass fanfare, we feel inspired. We can relax & get on with the day. Knowing that Shakira will be played every third track for the rest of the day (alternating with INXS Latest, and Nickleback.

Today is different. No Shakira.

And it turns out, that yesterday, one of my colleagues emailed 91FM with the following:

Oh dear God, let it be over...

Hi to the wonderful team at ZM

Whilst we love listening to ZM (especially the Morning Crew) in the office, in recent months we have been forced to start "mixing it up" and listening to lesser stations in a desperate bid to avoid Shakira's latest single, Hips Don't Lie. One colleague just made the understated comment, as we listened to it for the third time today, that he is "over this d*mn song". I have a feeling he was never "under" it to begin with.

I guess I am just having trouble accepting that that our entire office could have it so wrong!!! Are there really people out there who love this song enough to warrant playing it so many times each day (if at all)?? Really?? And if there are, who are these people and where do they live??

Please put us out of our misery and wipe that darned song from your playlist!!

Keep up the great work

Aspidestra and colleagues

And Aspidestra had her email read out on air, and on arriving at the office had received the following reply:

Aspidestra…

She sounds like a chicken mating with a sheep!!!!!!! I don't get it either! Can people not hear her voice rasping over their souls???? Arggggggggggggghhhhhhh!

I feel the same!!

Hugs

Polly xxx

No need to thank us, it was a public service.

Nicer than yesterday

Foggy morning

About 15 minutes after these were taken, Mrs Llew & Wilma were heading home from the morning walk & the fog was apparently coming down the street toward them so fast that within a minute, they were pea souped.

I'm guessing the airport is closed.

Unsporting?

Some guy in the lift this morning - he was wearing plastic over-trousers, and a parka, and a motorcycle helmet. In the lift. One of his colleagues got in with us. The parka guy then announced:

"What a beautiful game eh?" and roared with laughter. His colleague replied:

"Our Sydney office will be unhappy."

"Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch!" and parka-man roared with laughter again.

I said nothing, but I wondered what ever happened to our ANZAC spirit. Was there ever even an ANZAC spirit for something to happen to?

Why would Kiwis support Italy over our close neighbours? Surely, it's to the advantage of New Zealand players, if Australia has a healthy soccer league. Right?

Stuff.co.nz: Late penalty sinks Australia

Still being unkind...

I find they have the opposite effect.

Stuff.co.nz: Blunt song wakes girl from coma

I'm being unkind, I know...

I wish her all the best. Truly. And I have no problem whatsoever with her selling her products & services for whatever anyone is willing to pay for them.

Stuff.co.nz: Don't try this elsewhere kids - streaker

"Meanwhile, Ms Lewis has made contact with an Australian man willing to pay $4000 for the bikini. The man does not want to be named, but Ms Lewis hopes to deliver the bikini in person."

But for that sort of money I hope he gets to remove it with his teeth.

Qualified Masseur Wanted for Football Team

Apply in your dreams.

Sweden United
Hat tip DPF

OhGizmo! » Stonehenge Pocket Watch

Awesome!

OhGizmo! » Stonehenge Pocket Watch

Hat tip to Mainlander Mike

Streaker fears for her business

I reckon she's got nothing to worry about & this will do wonders for her business.

Stuff.co.nz: Streaker fears for her business

Now, I bet you can't resist clicking on the link to see what her business is.

For the record - we watched her on Sugar Shack last night, and while she was perfectly engaging sitting on the couch fully clothed, she was surprisingly stiff & self conscious out of those clothes. Although that could have been a body double crossing the studio floor.

It's official, we have a new media star

And mere days later, we know far, far more about her than we ever expected, or really wanted to.

New Zealand news on Stuff.co.nz: Former hubby talks of streaker's 'fancy tastes'

And also, has it struck anyone else that she looks like Heather Mills-McCartney? Another media darling having her past raked over thoroughly.

I may have to auction the home video Heather & I made in the early 90s on TradeMe soon.

Some things in the Spare Room

The Spare Room is a newish blog from some people who are rumoured to be like, real journos...

I know what you're thinking... but actually it's quite good :)

Anyway, two things you should have a look at.

the first is a Brokeback Mountain style Speight's ad. They've been asking for it really. Gagging.

The second is a quite eye watering Bollywood Beatles parody. Although that main guy has got a touch of the young Tim Finn about him in my opinion.

Spare Room » Spare Room

Tim Selwyn is appealing!

Well… I’m sure someone thinks so anyway.

I hope that his sentence is somewhat less serious than the conviction sounds.

I notice that Tim has proudly displayed his Peter Quixote award on the sidebar of his blog. I think that’s a neat idea.

I’d link direct to Pete’s Post (hey… wait a minute, could that be who he is?), but he keeps removing them & bringing them back. Depending no doubt, on today’s reality. Linking, is futile.

I was awarded a Quixote medallion too – for services in convincing the nation that the sun shines in Wellington – and I thought it’d be a great idea to, like Tim, proudly display my medallion on this site.

But it’s gone. For now. Like many posts, it may well come back & I’ll snaffle it then.

WONDERFUL!

This site was a finalist in the Webby Awards Best Home Page or Welcome category.

It should've won!!

WONDERBRA

Takes a little while to load, then to er... play... make sure you stay till it gets interactive :)

And it IS worth exploring a little, there is a lot there, see the wonderbra in action, watch as all its functions are demonstrated.

Hint: Move your mouse from side to side.

Have fun.

Those who say they haven't, are lying.

Ever googled yourself?

Sounds rude. Tee hee...

Actually, someone else just googled me. Which is a lot more satisfying.

Alright, I lie. I was yahooed a few minutes ago, by someone from Carbondale, Illinois. I'm not sure they found who they were looking for.

Seems odd to me that there might be more people out there sharing this grand & ancient name.

Which is, for the record (in very best Bondian tone...)

a'Llewette, John T a'Llewette

Maybe I have relatives in Illinois?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

I was Russell Crowe's stooge - National - smh.com.au

I've updated the links...

I had to update the Wellingtonista link anyway, so took the opportunity to test each & every link in my blogroll & see who was still there.

A bit of attrition as it turns out...

Lippycat
Curious Observer
Smoothfruity
Wellingtonista

All replaced by pod blogs... the spammers are coming. I think there must be some program that trolls for deleted blogs.

Anyway, RIP all.

Tamiam has disappeared without trace. Which is a pity.

Supergood was kind enough to leave a parting message saying he could only blog well when he was sad. And sadly, he's got happy. If that makes sense.

Newyorkality and Threepointturn seem to be on hiatus.

So.

Now I know who has linked back to me too!

About 30 seconds before sunrise...

blognapped! | the wellingtonista

Ooh er... in case you were looking for the Wellingtonista blog & found Ava instead.... there is an explanation.

And a solution...

blognapped! | the wellingtonista

Hotter 'n a pepper sprout

When I was kid in the "old country", I recall the Johnny Cash & June Carter duet Jackson was huge. Somehow I can even picture my grandmother in the same room as we listened to it.

Then, some months ago, Mrs Llew got the Johnny Cash bug & returned home with the Walk the Line movie soundtrack.

And so I was reacquainted with the song Jackson, but this time rendered by Joaquim Phoenix & Reese Witherspoon.

And then on Friday, Mrs Llew secured the newly released DVD & we watched the movie, which includes (part of) two performances of the song.

And it struck me that until the first viewing I had no idea what the words to the song were, beyond just the vaguest outline...

"We got married in a fever,
Hotter 'n a pepper sprout."

A "pepper sprout"...?

Now, when I was a kid in the frozen, sunless wasteland that was the "old country", I think I could be forgiven for not recognising the term "pepper sprout". I mean, I'd heard of Brussels sprouts. But chances are I'd have been baffled at a reference to anything being hotter 'n a brussels sprout". Because most things are, let's face it.

So I'm guessing a pepper sprout is pretty damned hot. And that we're refering to some kind of chilli pepper here. Jalapeno or something even hotter!

So here's the point. Such as it is.

Remember in the 1980s there used to be an advertisement for... for.... possibly Oil of Ulay (you don't see this so much - did ulays become extinct?), or it could have been Nivea.

Anyway, there were two young guys in some tropical setting, they're looking around, suddenly they spot a pretty young looking woman & one of them says "Hot sata"

And I used to agree, she was pretty "Hot sata". And in fact, the term "Hot sata" came to mean just that, anything that we deemed hotter 'n a pepper sprout. But I think you'll agree, times have changed, and it'd have been pretty odd if these guys spotted a hottie in some tropical place & described her as hotter 'n a pepper sprout.

Although down Jackson way, that might still have some relevance. Who knows?

Anyway, again, the crux of the Oil of dead Ulays ad, was that the second guy checked out the hot sata, and replied "No, too young."

But actually, she wasn't as young as she seemed, and she was indeed the hot sata they were looking for. The point of the advertisement was that this hot woman was being kept preternaturally young looking by anointing herself (shown in quick cut flashback) with oil rendered from endangered species. Or something.

But that's not the point of this post, I mean, after adopting the term "hot sata" and using it liberally, I was kind of dismayed many years later, when they updated the ad to resemble a scene from Top Gun, with hot, flight instructor woman (played by one of the Mad Max 2 actresses), being spied by two pilot goons, and one turrns to the other & says,

"Perhaps that's her"

Not "Hot sata" at all.

I felt cheated.

Good Morning America, How Are Ya?

Don't you know me, I'm your favourite... actually, I'm not.

Anyone heard of the BlogBurst Network? No? Yes?

ANyway, from now on, SunnyO will be both "family friendly" and rich with content "appropriate for Americans".

I have little idea what that means either, but holy fuck, if I'm in the San Francisco Chronicle ever day who gives a pluck?

Hope you all had a great Queen's Birthday weekend! (For our American audience, I should point out that Queen's Birthday weekend celebrates the life of "One of New Zealand's few genuine international celebrities".

This blog is HIS fansite. He's a brick.

We were up the line at SunnyO, as we usually are on a long weekend. The sun shone, the rain rained, and the sun shone again. As usual, I was moving fences. Don't ask me why this is, but I seem to spend all my long weekends up there moving fences. In this instance, it was to bisect a particular paddock so we can replant a few dozen peach trees. The fence keeps the sheep off them. No doubt next long weekend, I'll be moving that fence back again.

So much for the days. In the evenings, we sat around the fire, ate yummy food, and drank lots of wine. We also watched Walk the Line, which was fun. And Batman Begins, which was even funner (BlogBurst insists on good garmmer & spelling). I liked Batman's car.

I may post something more verbose about them later.

Anyhow, that's it for today, I only post now because my new masters (BlogBurst) say in their contributors' guidelines (in addition to being family friendly & appropriate for americans) that I have to post at least weekly. Or I risk losing my eligibility for a Pullitzer. Or something.

Cool Movie Alert - the Straight Story

Almost certainly the most straight-forward movie David Lynch has made to date, the Straight Story is a charmer.

73 year old Alvin Straight (The Grey Fox's Richard Farnsworth) lives in Iowa with his speech impaired, yet sharp as a tack, daughter (Sissy Spacek). One day he gets a phone call telling him that his brother Lyle (criminally under-used Harry Dean Stanton) has had a stroke.

Alvin & Lyle fell out & haven't spoken in more than 10 years. But Alvin realises that whatever it was they argued about, really doesn't matter, and that he should make a 320 mile journey to see Lyle & put the past to rest.

Problem is, Alvin can't drive, he can hardly walk, his daughter can't drive either, and they don't have money for a bus.

But Alvin does have a John Deere ride-on lawnmower, and hitching a trailer to the back of that he begins a 6 week journey across Iowa & Wisconsin, meeting various people along the way.

This may be the slowest road movie in history. It may also be the most heart warming.

Beautifully filmed, Lynch takes time out from ripping the scab off a festering America, to celebrate its beauty & spirit. He must be mellowing....

Richard Farnsworth is brilliant (if you haven't seen the Grey Fox, do take that one in too, he was old even then!), as is Sissy Spacek. And dang me if it didn't make want to run out this weekend & buy a John Deere ride on mower...

the broken laptop i sold on ebay

"To 'do an Amir' - To con money out of someone, lie or be otherwise dishonest, only to face ritual humiliation on a worldwide scale."

This is great. A guy buys a broken laptop on Ebay, the seller denies anything is wrong with it, and refuses to refund the money, so the buyer creates a website displaying many of the contents of the hard drive, including the sellers picture, evidence of a foot fetish, lots of porn, and several creative CVs

the broken laptop i sold on ebay

Hat Tip to David Slack, who is apparently talking about it on the radio this morning (RDU in Christchurch).

Another hot tip for sky watchers

Lovely clear sky last night.

Dog walkers habits change throughout the year, at the height of Summer, with long, long days, time is on the side of a dog & their owner to take an early or a late walk as they see fit. As the days grow shorter however, the window of opportunity shortens & you tend to find all the dogs out at the same time, it becomes very social. We drink wine, smokers smoke, all gossip, and the dogs chase each other. Then, as the shortest day approaches (bring it ON!), and it’s pretty much dark at 5pm, it doesn’t much matter when you go out, it’s going to be pitch black anyway, and so it becomes again, like Summer, not that unusual to see no-one else out on the trails.

Last night, Wilma & I were alone on Magpie Lawn, it was a beautiful clear night & the stars were out in force. If you happen to be outside around about 6pm in the next few evenings, here’s a quick guide to what’s up there of interest.

Look up into the North Eastern sky & you’ll see a very bright star. You can’t miss it. And it’s not actually a star, it is Jupiter. I’m told that with a decent pair of binoculars, if you can hold them steady, you can see the big red spot.

Look a little to the East from there (right), and down a bit, and you can see the constellation of Scorpio – it looks like a T-bar lying on its side. Further East & up a bit is the Southern Cross, with its pointers down below.

Turn 180 degrees from Scorpio & up in the sky is another bright star – this one actually is a star, Sirius, the brightest star in the sky (so anything brighter is either a planet, or man made, discounting the moon of course). Sirius is the dog star, and it forms the neck of the Canis Majoris constellation, the Big Dog. You can see its tail pointing upwards.

On our way home last night, we picked up M from a friend’s house & walked home with her. Just as we were approaching our house, she pointed up into the west & shouted “Shooting star!” and indeed it was a good one.

Oh, and if you’re out a little earlier, say around 5.50pm, look to the East & I’m told you may be lucky enough to see the Space Station as it travels West. It takes about 5 minutes to traverse the sky, we saw it several years ago. It’s surprisingly bright.

Rounding out today's news...

"Dr Matsumi Suzuki, who generally uses his skills to help with criminal investigations, measured the face and hands of Leonardo da Vinci's famous 16th century portrait to estimate her height at 168 cm and create a model of her skull.

"Once we have that, we can create a voice very similar to that of the person concerned," Suzuki told Reuters in an interview at his Tokyo office last week."

How very useful...

Stuff.co.nz: Mona Lisa 'speaks' thanks to scientist

They say it like it's a bad thing...

"One of New Zealand's few genuine international celebrities may be giving up the bright lights of Auckland..."

Who writes this shit?

"The former ITV1 star has been asked to host Challenge TV's British series, Take It Or Leave It, a format similar to Deal Or No Deal on Britain's Channel 4."

Is there a part for Jason Gunn?

Stuff.co.nz: NZ may lose Barrymore back to Britain

BTW: I have mentioned (in unflattering terms) both Barrymore & Gunn on several occasions. Not a single person has ever googled in to SunnyO looking for either of them.

Hot tip for those with Sky

This month - possibly starting tonight, possibly on Rialto, Sky TV is screening a very cool film called Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter & Spring.

You should see it.

SunnyO: Cool Movie Alert! Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter... and Spring.

Seagal sings the blues

Heh... ever wondered what it'd be like to attend a Steven Seagal concert? Our man in Seattle, the OutlawVern wondered, went along, and shook the man's hand....

Then fuck you, jack: The Life and Art of vern - Steven Seagal sings the blues

Sacked

Silent Running » Blog Archive » Now thats priceless.

For some reason that reminds me of the Charlie Brown series where he wore a paper bag on his head...

H/T Silent Running

Voila! A 2 car garage.

I used to own a bambina. It spent more time derelict than on the road. Luckily, I had a good friend who owned several, the main one of which had penguins painted on the doors & it would be seen parked in all sorts of odd places around town, & he helped me get it running.

I ended up selling it to him to add to his collection.

I only bought it because I had designs on the sister of the guy selling it (lucked out. Well mostly anyway).

Anyway, saw this in the neighbourhood yesterday. We can only speculate how they managed it. A couple of jacks? A lot of mates?

Anyway, well done fellas!

nicky watson The Picture - What's this about?

In the last 2 days, 30 out of 40 people coming by SunnyO from Google searches were looking for "nicky watson, the picture feb 2006" and various permutations.

What have I missed?

nicky watson The Picture feb 2006 - Google Search

UPDATE

Glenn, in a comment to this post, tells me Ms Watson has recently graced Picture magazine's cover, with a frontal topless shot.

But wait, there's more. Save the trouble of looking up a dodgy soft porn mag on the web - go straight to the source - Nicky's model agency.

Scroll down for pictures of Nicky Watson. Topless.

Hello Google.

Ponder also, that: "Nicky Is Available By Special Appointment..."

you wish.

Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Cell.

Stuff.co.nz: Enron CEOs found guilty

Although it doesn't sound like the prison term will be all that long.

Here is today's weather report

Busy, so very quickly....

Been looking round MySpace...

Can anyone tell me what it is for? Other than some multimedia type chat/hookup thing for Auckland models? (Actually, that may say more about where I looked - and to mitigate, I surfed in on a link provided by Russell Brown in the Listener, to Nicky Watson's page). Apparently.

I registered, and in the space of a day have been invited to join three dating/make-out groups. I haven't even set up a profile yet!

And on another topic, I think that every & any blogger or commenter who uses the term "Ad hominem" in any way shape or fashion from now on, should send me a dollar. You know who you are, you pompous, unimaginative, cliche-ridden fucks. Nothing personal, you understand.

Paraparaumu eh?

Stuff.co.nz: Elderly rider oblivious to street fight in his wake

Scarf labelled "gay" by man dressed as lead singer of the Village People.

It does look gay though.

STUFF - Man's scarf 'bit too gay' for police

H/T DPF

Continuing a theme...

"Llew - don't know where to find a man with a funny handshake but I did sit some Extra Mural exams at the Lodge Hall in New Plymouth and that was a bit spooky - photos of all those strangely dressed old codgers looking down from above ! It seems that the anti christ is going to make an appearance on 6/6/06 which is my nephew’s birthday and he will be 6 years old but his name is not Damian." – Chooky

Chooky’s comment in my Holy Grail post below reminds me. I never did tell you who the Antichrist is, did I?

Well y’know, I was all set to, exhaustive googling research suggested the AC was likely to be one of three men:

Joe Ratzinger
George W Bush
David Hasselhoff

I was leaning towards Bush at the time, because I kind of half remembered some stuff I heard at primary school. To the effect that the Nostradamus had written one of his quatrains saying the antichrist would be “the son of a king” and some other stuff about the son becoming king. Or something...

Anyway, back then, school wisdom had it that they must be talking about John-John. That is, JFK Jr. And that the apocalypse would start in the Middle East, shortly after John-John became president of the USA.

Then John-John died in a tragic accident. And who’d have guessed that another son of a former president would emerge to take the er… throne.

But I no longer subscribe to this theory because I don’t think Nostradamus wrote any such quatrain. And if he did, it could mean pretty much anything, or nothing. Like the one about the fiery meteor that came to nothing. And if Nostradamus really knew his shit, he’d have told us where the Holy Grail was.

So… I’m actually writing this to assure Chooky that her nephew Damian isn’t the antichrist, because information did come to hand last year which pretty much confirmed to me who the antichrist really is. I was set to publish it.

And then out of the blue, this albino monk knocked on the door… and made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And it’s sweet, Ratzy (what we affectionately call him in the firm) put me on the payroll.

But don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not Joe. Ratzy’s just an associate, entrusted with keeping these things under wraps. Think about it, if the Vatican were to reveal and defeat the antichrist, that’d pretty much be the end of it. Aside from keeping the Holy Grail under wraps, and a few other things. No, the antichrist’s agent’s lawyer had called Ratzy & asked him to have the Rules explained to me.

Bottom line is, I cannot divulge the name.

However, The Arcane Rules of Antiquarian Mystery ™ do allow for me to give three, cryptic clues. In fact it is insisted upon, so that the mystery can deepen, and grow. I do not know exactly why this is, but rather than just keep quiet about it, the Rules say that teasers are mandatory. They will appear in the next generation’s version of the Da Vinci Code type thing.

So… I ramble. Here are the clues to what I believe is the identity of the antichrist.:

In arcadia harpo est ergo sum
Tom Cruise
Ellen deGeneres

Just don’t blame me if some weird looking albino knocks on your door.

Oh, and quick update

Handshakes are becoming redundant meaning that it's going to be a lot more difficult for members of secret societies, or members of societies with secrets, as the freemasons like to put it, to recognise each other.

In the future it will be done by slipping the secret word (or mason's word, as the freemasons like to put it) into everyday conversation.

I have it on good authority that one such secret word is "shibboleth". So try it, "It's a bit shibboleth out there eh?"

Now you are forewarned & forearmed. Your bank manager is a good prospect to try it on.

Further update - I did quiz Keith Ng as to what masons & the like would have to do to recognise each other - he helpfully pointed out that they'd use Bluetooth like everyone else.

Shit you need to know about.

Inspired by my current search for the Holy Grail, I got talking to this guy on Magpie Lawn last night. He’s a lawyer. So he must know his stuff right?

I’ve also just been reading the Wikipedia entry on Umberto Eco’s Foucault’s Pendulum. Which has been described as the thinking man’s da Vinci Code. I read it years ago, and it is dense. Basically, the protagonists work for a publishing house that handles works such as The Holy Blood & the Holy Grail, and its ilk. The publishers take elements from all the nutty conspiracy books they have published, and for a laugh, enter them all into a computer program which mixes them up, adds a few items, and comes out with The Grand Conspiracy theory.

And it is tosh, and they have done this to amuse themselves. But then it appears they have inadvertently struck conspiracy gold & one of them is ritually murdered by the ancient secret society that they thought they’d created for a laugh…

Anyway, on the lawn, I wondered aloud whether the upcoming Code movie would be any good. Opining that since the basis of the story is utter twaddle, the best we can hope for is a solid thriller.

But my lawyer friend was better informed than that! It’s not twaddle at all in fact. Luckily, the Templars weren’t mentioned (except I did check whether he could put me in contact with one). And I was told a lot of arcane stuff that is going on in this world that we know nothing about, stuff that the mainstream media don’t report because… well who knows why actually, maybe because it’s rubbish. But I didn’t mention that. And I can’t remember the details because it sounded like Foucault’s Pendulums made up mish-mash. And I’m not a very attentive listener. So guys, no need to sic the albino monk on me OK?

Meanwhile, google hits through the roof as the world searches for Knights Templar. Wonder what happens if I mention Opus Dei?

Anyhow. Other things learned last night, which possibly you will hear here first. Not (so far as I’m aware) related to the Holy Grail or anything. Just important things which will be happening in the world soon. SOON! Apparently. And which the mainstream media will refuse to report. For some reason. And my mind has probably garbled them beyond recognition. It‘s mostly oil related.

1. Venezuela has recently been found to hold the largest oil reserves in the world. Supplanting Saudi Arabia.
2. Hugo Chavez will soon become the head of OPEC
3. Venezuela will want payment in Euros
4. Iran has struck a deal with China & Russia & will supply all their oil, and they want payment in Euros too

So what does all this mean? Buggered if I know actually, except that Saudi presumably loses a lot of its strategic value to the US. The US dollar falls through the floor & the Euro becomes the world standard.

As Jack Palance once asked… Truth? Or Bullshit?

meanwhile... since we're on secret societies & conspiracies... what's with that cycling group that Parliamentary messenger attended with the Telecom guy? I'm hearing strange rumours about them!

I'm having trouble finding the Knights Templar in the phone book...

You may remember that last April, as the world awaited a new pope, I took it upon myself to unmask the Antichrist. It was just a little public service, I figured.

Anyway, we’re so over him now, and onto our next crisis of someone else’s faith in the leadup to the release of the Da Vinci Code:

The whereabouts of the Holy Grail

Is the grail some old cup? Or some old person? Or, as Michael Baigent, Dan Brown and God knows who else reckons, a family bloodline? (Oops, my bad, in case that spoiled the Da Vinci Code for anyone (it was the Vatican Messenger whodunnit).

At this stage of the proceedings, I have no clue as to where the Grail rests. If there is any justice, it’ll be, as Neil Gaiman wrote in one of his short stories, sitting in a 2nd hand shop waiting for some old dear to take a fancy to it. Keep your eyes on Antiques Roadshow! “Ooh – I have the greatest pleasure in telling you that your family heirloom toby jug, is THE Holy Grail!, should fetch a few quid at auction.”

But I digress. I lack the time to visit the Rennes le Chateau & start digging. So I’m going to need some inside knowledge. A few clues…

I need to speak to a Knight Templar (that’s their patron saint Simon in the picture).

I know, I know, you want the world to think you were all massacred around a thousand years ago, but rest assured, come forward & keep all your personal details confidential, we have privacy laws after all. All I need is some verifiable proof that the Holy Grail exists, its location, and one publicity shoot of me with the Grail in various humorous poses.

So put the word around – if you, or any of your relatives are freemasons especially, have them mention this to their Grand Master Poobahs, or whatever they’re called, if anyone’s going to know a Templar, it’ll be them. Or indeed it may be them!

Comes with complimentary cholesterol test

Over at the Wellingtonista, we're trying to find the region's best bacon sarnie. Your contributions would be welcome.

But a comment there reminded me that I really have to tell you folk about two fantastic sandwiches which (I'll check at lunchtime) are still to be had.

One is the "Breakfast sandwich" from one of those gourmet sandwich places in one of those streets running beside Kirks, from Lambton Quay to Featherston street.

It loses points because it is prewrapped, but it consists of: bacon, black pudding, egg & baked beans. It really is quite something.

The other, and by far the best, is the Rib Eye Steak Burger from a place called Sizzlers in the BNZ centre. This place is pretty much a greasy spoon sort of affair, steak & chips, bacon & eggs, burgers & chips, chips, chops, eggs, wedges, bacon & sausages. And a small selection of paninis.

The Rib Eye Burger is the jewel in their crown. The steak itself is about 2 inches thick & 4 inches in diameter, it's between two burger buns, and includes lettuce, tomato, mayo, tomato sauce, and a whole lot more.

Uncorroborated rumour has it that should you upgrade & ask for it to include a fried egg, bacon & cheese, they will give you a complimentary cholesterol test & a handy, easy to interpret chart telling you roughly how long you have left to live.

I highly recommend it!

the wellingtonista: The Bacon Sarnie Experience

Heh heh...

A medal you say?

peterquixote: IIew's photo

It's a beautiful day

Coincidentally, happens to be playing on the radio...

Help us find Wellington's BEST Bacon Sarnie!

the wellingtonista: The Bacon Sarnie Experience

It's a mission.

Woof! The balls on my billiard table have frozen…

Actually, that’s not true, I don’t have a billiard table.

But our office water cooler froze over the weekend. Impressive!

Meanwhile, I need a new hat. I have no idea what happened to last year’s hat, daresay it will turn up shortly after I have located & paid for a new one.

Hats are a dodgy purchase for me… gales of laughter usually accompany the first try on in front of the troops. Imagine a Mr Potatohead in a beanie perhaps.

But anyway, the hat is needed when the mercury drops to the 11 mark. I find my usual outdoor (evening dog walk) ensemble, supplied by well known fashion houses versatile enough to see me through most weather:

Caterpillar boots - bought in Shelly’s of London more than 10 years ago & still going strong
Kathmandu Apocalypse pants – will see you comfortably through The Big One, or several Small Ones
Rodd & Gunn heavy duty rugby jersey
Kathmandu Force 10 jacket – this is the warmest jacket I have ever owned!
Line 7 gore-tex raincoat
Line 7 multi pocketed vest - for all those accessories… doggy bags, doggy treats, torch, carabina, cellphone, 50m river rope, cross country skis, sleeping bag… you gotta be prepared for any eventuation…
Thorlo socks and Macpherson Men’s underwear (no way am I ever appearing on the web in playboy Y-fronts!)

I can usually be found out & about in any combination of the above. But my ears have been a bit pink the last few evenings… and a good hat is hard to find.

Anyway, some recent viewing at Chez Llew

Closer – Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Clive Owen & Jude Law being shits to each other in London. No really, that’s about it. Decide for yourself whether Law is typecast as himself. The acting is top notch, even Roberts. Only Portman survives the running length with any vestige of audience sympathy intact. And actually, pay attention throughout to what she says her name is. It’ll have you wondering at the end.

In Good Company – Dennis Quaid & Topher Grace being shits to each other. Scarlett Johanson in solid support.

The Island – Obi Wan Kenobi & Scarlett on the lam. Tosh, but solid popcorn fare. Send in the lycra clad Clones….

Sideways – this one is really good. The gifted Paul Giamatti & his best mate Thomas Haden Church go on a road trip looking for good wine & even better women in sunny California. Also has Sandra Oh & Victoria Tennant. It is very funny.

Million Dollar Baby - Oh man! This is sad. Clint Eastwood is surely the greatest living American auteur. But let's have a happy one next eh Clint? But maybe not with orangutangs or anything. Hilary Swank is quite something though.

A word of Warne-ing

No matter how famous you are, no matter if you're the best in your field, in the world...

If you're invited to someone's flat to shag two, reasonably notorious tabloid slappers, chances are they're on the payroll of the News of the World or someone similar, and you, your family, all your friends & enemies are going to be giggling over their cornies when the morning edition arrives.

So don't, for christ's sake, wear your Playboy logo undies. Don't even wear them when you're not expecting a 3-way. Your mum really won't be impressed.

News of The World ::: Slideshow*

*May be disturbing for young or nervous viewers.

And didn't the DomPost call it a plush luxury flat? The bed folds out from the wall!

peterquixote: magic mushroom

peterquixote: magic mushroom

Ahah! That explains all the extra foot traffic through the Bot Gardens....

Three's plenty eh? I bet Shane Warne would agree with that.

While we're on things quixotic. Do check this out. It's lovely.

And further... you'll know it's really over when...

Jason Gunn & Michael Barrymore appear in their own televised two man variety series, singing & dancing up a storm (show tunes & standards), mugging for the camera, upstaging their guests, and bickering over which is the "straight" man of the partnership.

On that note...

In which we email a mate, and pass comment on television these days.

Mate, last night I thought it must be all over. The end appeared to be nigh...

Not just Telecom, but the entire stock exchange, national pride, the economy, in short, civilisation as we know it.

we were watching this stuff on TV, never heard of it before, but a bunch of has beens & never weres (and one impossibly hot ex-Miss Universe, for which we can forgive at least some of what went on - particularly later in the series, when, in time honoured dancing with the has-beens tradition, she should surely prance around in her smalls...) appeared to be attending dancing lessons.

Then, this odd person that Graham Reid reliably tells me is a transvestite called Candy Lane (apparently, TVNZ baulked at Penny's fee) announced

"If there's anything I love watching more than people dancing... it's a man who can sing"

and into centre stage bounded Jason Thingee.

We were going to head for the high ground, certain of the impending apocalypse, then realised we were there already, so we battened down the hatches, drank a shitload of wine, and hoped like hell Lorraine would get her gear off before we went to meet our makers....

Other thoughts

- Beatrice is this year's Norm
- Christine Rankin is this year's Bernice - she will be first to go. And someone should stop Jason lifting up her skirt to show us her legs. With a hammer if necessary.
- Steve Gurney is a twat.
- I know it is a forlorn hope, but a law should be passed to keep Jason off our screens. Or at the very least, to prevent him from singing.

Van Dyk asked for $1.45million

Netball is a prominent topic of discussion around Chez Llew... I live with 2 experts...

and so it was with some interest that we noted today's news item on Irene Van Dyk's counter offer to the Mahoney Corporation's pitch for the star to move back to the Wellington Shakers.

Stuff.co.nz: Costly van Dyk stunned sponsor

The headline on the front page screams: "$1.45m, What Van Dyk wanted to play in Wellington"

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to play in Wellington at all. And who could blame her? In fact, the article actually states:

"that she was not interested in playing for the Shakers and would finish her career with the Waikato-Bay of Plenty Magic"

But I have some sympathy for Mike Mahoney:

"Mahoney said he had gone public with the attempt to secure van Dyk because he was upset at suggestions the Shakers were doing nothing to attract players."

And while I don't blame him for being upset, I do actually disagree strongly with suggestions like this - Shakers look to be dogmeat again - that "The problem of underachieving lies in successive years of poor enticement and recruitment of star players to the franchise by the Shakers board and sponsors."

Bullshit.

In my opinion, the problem lies in successive years of poor selection & talent development.

I've seen the Shakers that will be in 10 years time, and they'll be dogmeat then too, while the real talent gives up in frustration & moves on to other sports. And interestingly, I'm paraphrasing someone who probably knows...

If we have to rely on attracting stars from other regions, then we don't deserve a representative netball team.

The problem lies squarely with the coaches, and selectors. Take off your blinkers, guys & gals. First class sport is about who performs best, learn to recognise those who do.

Always with the questions....

Why is it, that as we beaver through life earning just enough money to keep the family fed, clothed, and equipped with iPods, we're said to be:

"making a living",

yet, when we're earning far more money than we arguably need for those purposes, we're said to be:

"making a killing"?

Where is Max Cryer when we need him?

Another thing that irritates me about newspapers...

When any artwork appears in the news, it'd be nice to see a picture of it.

Stuff.co.nz: Van Gogh sells for $US40m

Morning & evening. In that order....

Not necessarily the same day.

SunnyO - as heard on the radio

I was busy doing the accounts while I listened to this, and I'm not sure, but I think they were discussing the imminent threat to the newspaper industry posed by blogs. In particular this blog.

It's true! Maybe.

Big, big hat tip to David Slack for pimping my blog on National Radio.

And yes! David's right, I wanna be on TV! I hope Mr Ralston was listening... I want your job!

(BTW: Bill, I was the guy in Whitianga last February, who complimented you on your hat. And actually, I probably don't need the stress, but will do pretty much anything else for money. So Simon's job then?)

And... UPDATE!

I know who should sit next to me in that shiny new set....

the wellingtonista: Nicest City in the World

We might be 12th in the Mercer HR quality of life table...

but should you happen to google 'nicest city in the world'... we are tops!! The Tower of Pisa! The Mona Lisa! Etc.

the wellingtonista: Nicest City in the World

And now for some bull...

What would you do?

You’re standing in a crowded town square.

A few yards away from you, unrestrained, is a very large, and belligerent bull.

You have a red handkerchief at hand.

You know that if you wave the red handkerchief at the large & belligerent bull, it will go berserk & injure (or kill) possibly you, and any number of bystanders.

But why shouldn’t you wave that handkerchief? It’s a free country right? What's wrong with a little hanky waving anyway?

Further, the bull really wants you to wave that handkerchief, so that it has an excuse to go ballistic. And worse, it’s waving a red handkerchief at you.

Now, there’s nothing in your makeup that makes you offended by the sight of a red handkerchief. And there’s no reason, other than to annoy the bull for you to wave yours. But it’s the principle, right? You should be able to do it without adverse consequences.

The mayor thinks you shouldn’t wave the hanky, he’s worried about casualties & damage. But there is no law to stop you.

Certain fellow citizens believe it is morally reprehensible for you not to wave the hanky – it’s not your fault if the bull goes mad, anyone can wave a red handkerchief if they want to.

So what would you do?

Advisors tell you that should you wave the hanky, you can probably shoot the bull dead before it does too much damage. Or even just forget the hanky business & shoot the beast now.

Problem is, the town square is surrounded by paddocks with other belligerent bulls, who are watching.

What’s the right thing to do, do you think, wave the handkerchief and enrage the bull (which is asking for it), or walk on & keep the peace?

It's your handkerchief, your choice.

Who is Gilbert Gottfried?

I reckon I could take him though.

Stuff.co.nz: Peter Jackson on unsexy list at no. 53, Gilbert Gottfried 1st

Actually, Jackson's pretty hot wife might disagree.

Godwin's Law - You learn something everyday

Don't mention The War!!

Heard of this for the first time last week. had no idea what it meant & was too busy antagonising some guy (really should shake that habit, but y'know, sometimes...) & then racing off for a few days R & R.

And then I came across it again today.

And I'm quite sure that it is mere coincidence that I came across both instances on the same site...

But basically, it is: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one" (from Wikipedia, should you click through there).

Isn't it just beautiful? I'm quite sure (maybe, and maybe some dickhead will take the opportunity to come & tell me with some authority that it is not so) that mention of the Cold War counts too.

Godwin's Law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

What's missing from this report?

This is one of those irritating practises that gets me pretty much everytime a newspaper reports on an interesting new website or internet service.

Have a look...

The Dominion Post: Web monitors traffic jams

Yes, do you see the URL published in here? That'd be useful, no?

Bathside reading....

That's a euphemism innit? Reading in the dunny.

Many, many years ago, I did a Big Chill weekend. That is, about 4 families (pre kids, so technically, about 4 couples) descended on some friends in Sumner (Christchurch), who had bought a rambling old house on a corner section about a block from the beach. This house, I kid you not, had about 20 rooms. There were rooms within rooms (almost) and doors leading to more rooms.

We drank a lot, and the Giesen's winemaker, Marcel Giesen, gave us a tour of the winery (we drank the latest vintages from the barrels, using long pipettes) & then brought 2 cases of wine to dinner, which we attempted to consume during & after, before going to bed. In fact, most of us got hammered & sloped discreetly off sometime in the wee hours pretty much leaving Marcel to it in one of the rooms somewhere deep in the labyrinth. Chances are he's still there. He had enough wine to keep him going for years.

This place had several bathrooms too, and each "bathroom" was equipped with a book, suitable for reading while otherwise occupied.

Notes were compared & it was generally agreed that the best "bathroom" reading book on offer was the one furnished with a collection of Bob Jones' newspaper columns. These columns were the perfect length for your average visit. That particular bathroom was much favoured...

I've had "bathrooms", in the past, stocked with magazines in a rack. Latterly though, my suggestions for dealing with surplus bookshelves - and I use "surplus" guardedly, because bookshelves are never surplus, in fact, we need bookshelves badly in our current house, we just have nowhere to put them, and so we have several languishing in the basement, even though we have a spare room just bursting with unshelved books we're reluctant to toss - have been spurned. Apparently it is not a good look to have a wall to wall, floor to ceiling bookshelves within easy reach of the er..."bath".

"How about internet access?" I've also asked, but in the end, it'd have to be pretty hands free, don't you agree? I draw the line at TV.

So it is with... um... some relief, that I note that the practise of reading is going into the (water) closet. About time.

Stuff.co.nz: Smallest room becomes the reading room

Feijoas & a big black dog .

Feijoa & loathing in Otaki...

We planted 7 or 8 feijoa trees in late 2002, I think. Last year, one of them produced 3 medium size fruit...

This year, in fact just a few weeks ago, we were pleased to notice that these trees, the largest of which is maybe 5 feet high, the smallest maybe 18 inches... were laden with young fruit.

On Good Friday, we picked 3 supermarket bags of windfalls, which the Dompost was kind enough to tell us on Saturday, is when they're best.

Even better than that though, on Monday, just before we came home, we picked another 4 bags worth of windfalls & the largest ones hanging on the tree. They are fantastic. And huge. I suspect that we'll be picking many more before the season is over.

Meanwhile in another paddock, last year's bumper crop of 4 olives... looks to be a record, I could only see one olive growing on the 8 or so trees... we're seriously considering replacing them with feijoas.

Or not, we also have 20 or so self seeded peach trees to reposition (from under their momma). These are some of the nicest peaches I have tasted, they are a good & free score.

Meanwhile, onto the black dog - here's a gem from the SunnyO archives. Purely because I think it's worth it.

SunnyO: A big black dog moment.

The Lambshank Redemption

You know how it is, you neglect the blog for a few weeks, aside from the laziest of posts, and then you look one day & realised you've used all your creativity (such as it is) in the comments of someone else's blog.

The NZBC guys are probably getting sick of me, and sick of this thread, which concerns reworking famous film, book, song etc titles so that they involve some sort of kiwi food. (think the mainland cheese ad with those two old guys - Chubby Cheddar, etc).

But I still get the giggles when I think of the Lambshank Redemption (which came in via that guy who gets around more than me, but never seems able to make up his mind... Anonymous).

So we're here to hijack that thread so that when the Mainland cheese guys are next looking for inspiration, they come here.

have at it.

NZBC - The Silence of the Lamingtons

Superb.

Wednesday, Apr 12: Palmerston North beats Baghdad - Tom Scott

The OutlawVern in Wikipedia

Excellent!

Vern (film critic) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Cryptic message #1

Heh... it wasn't me

And I have no idea (really).

Congratulations to all the Netguide winners last night.

BASTARDS!

Not that I'm bitter. But I was convinced I was a shoo-in for Best Parenting site.

Well done Public Address, and the runners up, Kiwiblog & Idolblog.

Next year though, next year... or as they used to say "One day Roger Phipps! One Dayyyy!"

Meanwhile, I have removed the Netguide banner that was over to the right of the screen, luckily without completely munting my blog.

Some scenes from March

I say some, because this is just a preview. Last night was my designated “upload all the photos” night. Because last night was Virtual Tennis evening, when women-folk & children desert the homestead to er… drink & gossip I think. And so that’s the night Wilma & I have an extended walk through the gardens, then an extended loaf around at home in between cooking something manly like steak & eating it with onions between two slices of bread, watching another episode of Firefly & possibly attending to sadly neglected pastimes like blogging.

Usually.

But last night, before steak, before Firefly & during photo upload, Mrs Llew returned from a business trip to THAT city in the north & announced she was too tired for Virtual Tennis (the “Virtual” indicates that no-one so much as goes near racquets or balls).

And no way was she eating steak.

And get off the computer. (Actually, that last bit was just implied).

And no fecking way was she watching any crappy western in space.

So here’s as far as I got. More to come.

But to keep you on your toes, this episode of Scenes from March was brought to you by ITC Entertainment.



Der rinky dink (ydinky dinky dinky dink)



Der rinky dinky dink (ydinky rinky dinky dink)



Der rinky dink (ydinky rinky dinky dink)



Der rinky dinky dinky dink (ydinky rinky dinky dink)



Der rinky dinky dinky dink dah dah



Der rinky dinky dah



Der rinky dinky dink




Der rinky dinky dinky dink dah dah

Der rinky dinky dink

Der rinky dinky dink!

Der rinky dink (ydinky dinky dinky dink)

Etc

Interestingly…. This theme wasn’t used until series 2, but it is the one that everyone remembers (well some of us anyway).

young naked girls humiliated and caned outdoors videos - Yahoo! Search Results

I'm so proud! I came in at No. 4 in this Yahoo search.

young naked girls humiliated and caned outdoors videos - Yahoo! Search Results

This, rather appropriately came in from Youngstown, Ohio.

Hello Youngstown.

The Mod Squad

Oh... and by the way... Scenes from February were brought to you by The Mod Squad.

Scenes from March, will be posted soon...

The Mod Squad TV Show Unofficial Home Page w/ Theme, Pictures & Episode Guide