More on Losser

Because I don't want you to think that he was a loser, in any way shape or form, he was just self deprecating. And liked a whinge about his lot, before rebounding with a dodgy plan to put the world, or at least his place in it, to rights.

I wasn't suggesting that the Tour Guide gig was a come down for a lawyer. By no means. I'm quite certain that when he found that job, he realised he'd found his dream vocation: travel, the chance to show off & have a laugh and get paid for it, single female tourists.

Losser came from Hastings. I met him several years before we flatted together, he was actually at my 21st!

He funded his studies, largely by trading in 2nd hand cars. He'd bus home to Hastings for the holidays, buy a used car of some description, drive it back to Wellington & use it for much of the term, before selling it & busing back to Hastings for the next holiday.

The idea was, and it largely worked, that 2nd hand cars were cheaper in Hastings, so he could buy there & sell here for enough to pretty much fund the next term. He had to be a bit careful though, there was & possibly still is a limit on how many 2nd hand cars you can buy & sell in a year before you have to register as a Licensed Motor Vehicle Dealer.

It didn't always work though, I recall the flat had the use of a very old, and very distinguished looking Citroen. We ended up pushing that car further than it ever carried us. It didn't help that we lived on a hill.

Losser loved it though, it looked cool. But neither he, nor anyone else in our flat was particularly mechanical & the thing was a bit of a plum coloured elephant.

He ended up selling it to a Citroen enthusiast for a bit less than he wanted. And to his chagrin, he saw that car out & about on the road, in a very short space of time, with its new owner, clearly fully repaired & restored.

The next car was a little yellow mini cooper. Which was fitting, because that was his surname - Mini.

That mini served him (not to mention the whole flat) very well. Additionally, the knob on the gear stick was clear resin of some sort, with a daisy set in it. The vendor had assured Losser that this gear stick was a huge assistance in "Pulling the chicks". Losser forced his momentary speculation as to exactly how this could be so, aside and bought the car. Daisy gear stick & all.

And lo! At this stage in his life Losser embarked on his 2nd major relationship!. All hail the plastic daisy gear stick!

I shifted out of that flat & pretty much lost track of him a few years later, mutual friends kept me up to date to some extent, but I see few of those mutual friends anymore either.

But wherever he is, I'm confident he's having a great time, dreaming up dodgy, money making plans, and chasing women!

Unless of course, he came back, settled in Hastings & has a wife & kids...

Speaking of flatmates & losers....

I had another flatmate who used to lose things. In fact, she married a schoolmate of mine, and they could both have lost for New Zealand. If losing things was a sport.

But, what shall we call her... Trudi... used to bike down to her work from home, chain the bike up outside, work all day (or evening, it was a hotel), get a taxi home, have dinner, sleep, get up to bike to work...

You get the drift. This happened more than once. The bike was always gone from where it had been chained up.

She'd lose purses, coats, umbrellas, anything that wasn't physically attached to her.

Trudi once asked if she could borrow my umbrella to get to work. I said "no, you'll lose it". She argued. She wheedled. I gave in. She came home & I asked "Where is my umbrella?" She'd lost it.

In fact, she'd lost it just down the road on her way to work, popped into a dairy, let go of the umbrella for a moment... and walked on to work without it.

Later, she & my schoolmate moved to a small town. He was a keen diver. He'd go diving, come home, unload the car, put his tanks & gear in the driveway out front of the car, go inside... next time he was going diving, he'd wonder where his tanks & gear had got to.

This happened more than once. His insurance company stopped insuring his gear.

But the crowning moment... Trudi took their very young son with her to a netball game. She left the boy with friends & went off to play a blinding game. They won! Afterwards, she got home, announced her triumph to her husband, who asked "Where's the baby?"

At least they got him back fairly quickly.

What are we to make of this loss?

I used to have a flatmate, always moaning that “Life dealt him deuces”. Always asking “Why am I such a loser?”

He was a lawyer. Or at least, he was a law student at the time. He did graduate, but chose to travel the world & eventually found his place in the cosmos… as a Trafalgar Tour Bus Guide. He’s been doing that for decades (unless my news is a little out of date).

Anyway, he was so secure in his self chosen status, that he planned to get a sweatshirt screenprinted with “Loser”. But then, in a moment of inspiration – he was quite witty actually, I may blog one day about the NZ Continuance Society that he created, his answer to the Temperance Society. That was back in the days when each election, we would vote as to whether our electorates would be “dry”. As in, no beer.

I’m digressing, but the NZ Continuance Society used to meet each Wednesday night at the Brunswick Arms. Old barmen there may remember us. Or not.

But anyway, in a moment of inspiration… and that reminds me, the NZ Continuance Club’s patron was that MP who fell over on his way home, possibly in a drunken stupour… Keith Someone… And I nearly lost my job distributing Continuance Club flyers around work, when it turned out the GM was an avid tea totaller. I got off with a warning.

So, inspired…. He had his sweatshirt emblazoned with “Losser”. Get it? He was such a loser, he couldn’t even spell it.

I came across this particularly heartrending example of “tagging” earlier today. I walk past this spot twice a day & this is the first time I’ve noticed it. SO maybe it appeared sometime during the wild & wet night. Who knows? I may just never have seen it.

And it gave me pause for thought. Has tagging entered some existential phase? Was it some grieving English soccer fan?

I expect the stupid & incomprehensible names. I expect the odd bit of political comment. I expect bravado, arrogance & panache. Am I expecting too much from graffiti?

I do not expect pain, grief, despair and loss.

On the other hand, maybe the vandalising fuck deserved it. Losser.

Army. Is this usual?

I'll ask the guy myself sometime, but without going into details (because it's a secret mission for my eyes only, OK?), I have been reading a missive this morning, or perhaps more properly, a "despatch", from the NZ Defense Force.

And what I find really interesting, is that the document does not refer to "the Army" throughout, it refers to "Army". Like it's a single entity. Or something. Like this:

"The first requirement for Army, therefore..."

"Again, it is fair to say that Army does not..." and

"This short document proposes that Army develop..."

At least one person with military experience comes here - is this the norm? Are Navy & Airforce referred to the same way?

Well, Airforce probably IS a single entity these days...

Hey, hey, my shit don't fly....

We listen to the radio at work. Because we can. And I'm very generous, I let the guys choose the station, because I know they'll whinge if I tune into National Radio.

So we tend to get 91FM first thing in the morning, because one colleague finds Polly & Grant quite funny... later, we change the station elsewhere.

It's become a bit of a joke, that the day does not properly start until we hear Shakira's latest song. Whose title, "My Hips Don't Lie". I discerned only yesterday.

Until then, I'd idly sung along (under my breath).

"Hey, hey, my chips won't fry.
Hey, hey, I'm looking fucking spry"

But when we hear the telltale brass fanfare, we feel inspired. We can relax & get on with the day. Knowing that Shakira will be played every third track for the rest of the day (alternating with INXS Latest, and Nickleback.

Today is different. No Shakira.

And it turns out, that yesterday, one of my colleagues emailed 91FM with the following:

Oh dear God, let it be over...

Hi to the wonderful team at ZM

Whilst we love listening to ZM (especially the Morning Crew) in the office, in recent months we have been forced to start "mixing it up" and listening to lesser stations in a desperate bid to avoid Shakira's latest single, Hips Don't Lie. One colleague just made the understated comment, as we listened to it for the third time today, that he is "over this d*mn song". I have a feeling he was never "under" it to begin with.

I guess I am just having trouble accepting that that our entire office could have it so wrong!!! Are there really people out there who love this song enough to warrant playing it so many times each day (if at all)?? Really?? And if there are, who are these people and where do they live??

Please put us out of our misery and wipe that darned song from your playlist!!

Keep up the great work

Aspidestra and colleagues

And Aspidestra had her email read out on air, and on arriving at the office had received the following reply:

Aspidestra…

She sounds like a chicken mating with a sheep!!!!!!! I don't get it either! Can people not hear her voice rasping over their souls???? Arggggggggggggghhhhhhh!

I feel the same!!

Hugs

Polly xxx

No need to thank us, it was a public service.

Nicer than yesterday

Foggy morning

About 15 minutes after these were taken, Mrs Llew & Wilma were heading home from the morning walk & the fog was apparently coming down the street toward them so fast that within a minute, they were pea souped.

I'm guessing the airport is closed.

Unsporting?

Some guy in the lift this morning - he was wearing plastic over-trousers, and a parka, and a motorcycle helmet. In the lift. One of his colleagues got in with us. The parka guy then announced:

"What a beautiful game eh?" and roared with laughter. His colleague replied:

"Our Sydney office will be unhappy."

"Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch!" and parka-man roared with laughter again.

I said nothing, but I wondered what ever happened to our ANZAC spirit. Was there ever even an ANZAC spirit for something to happen to?

Why would Kiwis support Italy over our close neighbours? Surely, it's to the advantage of New Zealand players, if Australia has a healthy soccer league. Right?

Stuff.co.nz: Late penalty sinks Australia

Still being unkind...

I find they have the opposite effect.

Stuff.co.nz: Blunt song wakes girl from coma

I'm being unkind, I know...

I wish her all the best. Truly. And I have no problem whatsoever with her selling her products & services for whatever anyone is willing to pay for them.

Stuff.co.nz: Don't try this elsewhere kids - streaker

"Meanwhile, Ms Lewis has made contact with an Australian man willing to pay $4000 for the bikini. The man does not want to be named, but Ms Lewis hopes to deliver the bikini in person."

But for that sort of money I hope he gets to remove it with his teeth.

Qualified Masseur Wanted for Football Team

Apply in your dreams.

Sweden United
Hat tip DPF

OhGizmo! » Stonehenge Pocket Watch

Awesome!

OhGizmo! » Stonehenge Pocket Watch

Hat tip to Mainlander Mike

Streaker fears for her business

I reckon she's got nothing to worry about & this will do wonders for her business.

Stuff.co.nz: Streaker fears for her business

Now, I bet you can't resist clicking on the link to see what her business is.

For the record - we watched her on Sugar Shack last night, and while she was perfectly engaging sitting on the couch fully clothed, she was surprisingly stiff & self conscious out of those clothes. Although that could have been a body double crossing the studio floor.

It's official, we have a new media star

And mere days later, we know far, far more about her than we ever expected, or really wanted to.

New Zealand news on Stuff.co.nz: Former hubby talks of streaker's 'fancy tastes'

And also, has it struck anyone else that she looks like Heather Mills-McCartney? Another media darling having her past raked over thoroughly.

I may have to auction the home video Heather & I made in the early 90s on TradeMe soon.

Some things in the Spare Room

The Spare Room is a newish blog from some people who are rumoured to be like, real journos...

I know what you're thinking... but actually it's quite good :)

Anyway, two things you should have a look at.

the first is a Brokeback Mountain style Speight's ad. They've been asking for it really. Gagging.

The second is a quite eye watering Bollywood Beatles parody. Although that main guy has got a touch of the young Tim Finn about him in my opinion.

Spare Room » Spare Room

Tim Selwyn is appealing!

Well… I’m sure someone thinks so anyway.

I hope that his sentence is somewhat less serious than the conviction sounds.

I notice that Tim has proudly displayed his Peter Quixote award on the sidebar of his blog. I think that’s a neat idea.

I’d link direct to Pete’s Post (hey… wait a minute, could that be who he is?), but he keeps removing them & bringing them back. Depending no doubt, on today’s reality. Linking, is futile.

I was awarded a Quixote medallion too – for services in convincing the nation that the sun shines in Wellington – and I thought it’d be a great idea to, like Tim, proudly display my medallion on this site.

But it’s gone. For now. Like many posts, it may well come back & I’ll snaffle it then.

WONDERFUL!

This site was a finalist in the Webby Awards Best Home Page or Welcome category.

It should've won!!

WONDERBRA

Takes a little while to load, then to er... play... make sure you stay till it gets interactive :)

And it IS worth exploring a little, there is a lot there, see the wonderbra in action, watch as all its functions are demonstrated.

Hint: Move your mouse from side to side.

Have fun.

Those who say they haven't, are lying.

Ever googled yourself?

Sounds rude. Tee hee...

Actually, someone else just googled me. Which is a lot more satisfying.

Alright, I lie. I was yahooed a few minutes ago, by someone from Carbondale, Illinois. I'm not sure they found who they were looking for.

Seems odd to me that there might be more people out there sharing this grand & ancient name.

Which is, for the record (in very best Bondian tone...)

a'Llewette, John T a'Llewette

Maybe I have relatives in Illinois?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

I was Russell Crowe's stooge - National - smh.com.au

I've updated the links...

I had to update the Wellingtonista link anyway, so took the opportunity to test each & every link in my blogroll & see who was still there.

A bit of attrition as it turns out...

Lippycat
Curious Observer
Smoothfruity
Wellingtonista

All replaced by pod blogs... the spammers are coming. I think there must be some program that trolls for deleted blogs.

Anyway, RIP all.

Tamiam has disappeared without trace. Which is a pity.

Supergood was kind enough to leave a parting message saying he could only blog well when he was sad. And sadly, he's got happy. If that makes sense.

Newyorkality and Threepointturn seem to be on hiatus.

So.

Now I know who has linked back to me too!

About 30 seconds before sunrise...

blognapped! | the wellingtonista

Ooh er... in case you were looking for the Wellingtonista blog & found Ava instead.... there is an explanation.

And a solution...

blognapped! | the wellingtonista

Hotter 'n a pepper sprout

When I was kid in the "old country", I recall the Johnny Cash & June Carter duet Jackson was huge. Somehow I can even picture my grandmother in the same room as we listened to it.

Then, some months ago, Mrs Llew got the Johnny Cash bug & returned home with the Walk the Line movie soundtrack.

And so I was reacquainted with the song Jackson, but this time rendered by Joaquim Phoenix & Reese Witherspoon.

And then on Friday, Mrs Llew secured the newly released DVD & we watched the movie, which includes (part of) two performances of the song.

And it struck me that until the first viewing I had no idea what the words to the song were, beyond just the vaguest outline...

"We got married in a fever,
Hotter 'n a pepper sprout."

A "pepper sprout"...?

Now, when I was a kid in the frozen, sunless wasteland that was the "old country", I think I could be forgiven for not recognising the term "pepper sprout". I mean, I'd heard of Brussels sprouts. But chances are I'd have been baffled at a reference to anything being hotter 'n a brussels sprout". Because most things are, let's face it.

So I'm guessing a pepper sprout is pretty damned hot. And that we're refering to some kind of chilli pepper here. Jalapeno or something even hotter!

So here's the point. Such as it is.

Remember in the 1980s there used to be an advertisement for... for.... possibly Oil of Ulay (you don't see this so much - did ulays become extinct?), or it could have been Nivea.

Anyway, there were two young guys in some tropical setting, they're looking around, suddenly they spot a pretty young looking woman & one of them says "Hot sata"

And I used to agree, she was pretty "Hot sata". And in fact, the term "Hot sata" came to mean just that, anything that we deemed hotter 'n a pepper sprout. But I think you'll agree, times have changed, and it'd have been pretty odd if these guys spotted a hottie in some tropical place & described her as hotter 'n a pepper sprout.

Although down Jackson way, that might still have some relevance. Who knows?

Anyway, again, the crux of the Oil of dead Ulays ad, was that the second guy checked out the hot sata, and replied "No, too young."

But actually, she wasn't as young as she seemed, and she was indeed the hot sata they were looking for. The point of the advertisement was that this hot woman was being kept preternaturally young looking by anointing herself (shown in quick cut flashback) with oil rendered from endangered species. Or something.

But that's not the point of this post, I mean, after adopting the term "hot sata" and using it liberally, I was kind of dismayed many years later, when they updated the ad to resemble a scene from Top Gun, with hot, flight instructor woman (played by one of the Mad Max 2 actresses), being spied by two pilot goons, and one turrns to the other & says,

"Perhaps that's her"

Not "Hot sata" at all.

I felt cheated.

Good Morning America, How Are Ya?

Don't you know me, I'm your favourite... actually, I'm not.

Anyone heard of the BlogBurst Network? No? Yes?

ANyway, from now on, SunnyO will be both "family friendly" and rich with content "appropriate for Americans".

I have little idea what that means either, but holy fuck, if I'm in the San Francisco Chronicle ever day who gives a pluck?

Hope you all had a great Queen's Birthday weekend! (For our American audience, I should point out that Queen's Birthday weekend celebrates the life of "One of New Zealand's few genuine international celebrities".

This blog is HIS fansite. He's a brick.

We were up the line at SunnyO, as we usually are on a long weekend. The sun shone, the rain rained, and the sun shone again. As usual, I was moving fences. Don't ask me why this is, but I seem to spend all my long weekends up there moving fences. In this instance, it was to bisect a particular paddock so we can replant a few dozen peach trees. The fence keeps the sheep off them. No doubt next long weekend, I'll be moving that fence back again.

So much for the days. In the evenings, we sat around the fire, ate yummy food, and drank lots of wine. We also watched Walk the Line, which was fun. And Batman Begins, which was even funner (BlogBurst insists on good garmmer & spelling). I liked Batman's car.

I may post something more verbose about them later.

Anyhow, that's it for today, I only post now because my new masters (BlogBurst) say in their contributors' guidelines (in addition to being family friendly & appropriate for americans) that I have to post at least weekly. Or I risk losing my eligibility for a Pullitzer. Or something.

Cool Movie Alert - the Straight Story

Almost certainly the most straight-forward movie David Lynch has made to date, the Straight Story is a charmer.

73 year old Alvin Straight (The Grey Fox's Richard Farnsworth) lives in Iowa with his speech impaired, yet sharp as a tack, daughter (Sissy Spacek). One day he gets a phone call telling him that his brother Lyle (criminally under-used Harry Dean Stanton) has had a stroke.

Alvin & Lyle fell out & haven't spoken in more than 10 years. But Alvin realises that whatever it was they argued about, really doesn't matter, and that he should make a 320 mile journey to see Lyle & put the past to rest.

Problem is, Alvin can't drive, he can hardly walk, his daughter can't drive either, and they don't have money for a bus.

But Alvin does have a John Deere ride-on lawnmower, and hitching a trailer to the back of that he begins a 6 week journey across Iowa & Wisconsin, meeting various people along the way.

This may be the slowest road movie in history. It may also be the most heart warming.

Beautifully filmed, Lynch takes time out from ripping the scab off a festering America, to celebrate its beauty & spirit. He must be mellowing....

Richard Farnsworth is brilliant (if you haven't seen the Grey Fox, do take that one in too, he was old even then!), as is Sissy Spacek. And dang me if it didn't make want to run out this weekend & buy a John Deere ride on mower...

the broken laptop i sold on ebay

"To 'do an Amir' - To con money out of someone, lie or be otherwise dishonest, only to face ritual humiliation on a worldwide scale."

This is great. A guy buys a broken laptop on Ebay, the seller denies anything is wrong with it, and refuses to refund the money, so the buyer creates a website displaying many of the contents of the hard drive, including the sellers picture, evidence of a foot fetish, lots of porn, and several creative CVs

the broken laptop i sold on ebay

Hat Tip to David Slack, who is apparently talking about it on the radio this morning (RDU in Christchurch).

Another hot tip for sky watchers

Lovely clear sky last night.

Dog walkers habits change throughout the year, at the height of Summer, with long, long days, time is on the side of a dog & their owner to take an early or a late walk as they see fit. As the days grow shorter however, the window of opportunity shortens & you tend to find all the dogs out at the same time, it becomes very social. We drink wine, smokers smoke, all gossip, and the dogs chase each other. Then, as the shortest day approaches (bring it ON!), and it’s pretty much dark at 5pm, it doesn’t much matter when you go out, it’s going to be pitch black anyway, and so it becomes again, like Summer, not that unusual to see no-one else out on the trails.

Last night, Wilma & I were alone on Magpie Lawn, it was a beautiful clear night & the stars were out in force. If you happen to be outside around about 6pm in the next few evenings, here’s a quick guide to what’s up there of interest.

Look up into the North Eastern sky & you’ll see a very bright star. You can’t miss it. And it’s not actually a star, it is Jupiter. I’m told that with a decent pair of binoculars, if you can hold them steady, you can see the big red spot.

Look a little to the East from there (right), and down a bit, and you can see the constellation of Scorpio – it looks like a T-bar lying on its side. Further East & up a bit is the Southern Cross, with its pointers down below.

Turn 180 degrees from Scorpio & up in the sky is another bright star – this one actually is a star, Sirius, the brightest star in the sky (so anything brighter is either a planet, or man made, discounting the moon of course). Sirius is the dog star, and it forms the neck of the Canis Majoris constellation, the Big Dog. You can see its tail pointing upwards.

On our way home last night, we picked up M from a friend’s house & walked home with her. Just as we were approaching our house, she pointed up into the west & shouted “Shooting star!” and indeed it was a good one.

Oh, and if you’re out a little earlier, say around 5.50pm, look to the East & I’m told you may be lucky enough to see the Space Station as it travels West. It takes about 5 minutes to traverse the sky, we saw it several years ago. It’s surprisingly bright.

Rounding out today's news...

"Dr Matsumi Suzuki, who generally uses his skills to help with criminal investigations, measured the face and hands of Leonardo da Vinci's famous 16th century portrait to estimate her height at 168 cm and create a model of her skull.

"Once we have that, we can create a voice very similar to that of the person concerned," Suzuki told Reuters in an interview at his Tokyo office last week."

How very useful...

Stuff.co.nz: Mona Lisa 'speaks' thanks to scientist

They say it like it's a bad thing...

"One of New Zealand's few genuine international celebrities may be giving up the bright lights of Auckland..."

Who writes this shit?

"The former ITV1 star has been asked to host Challenge TV's British series, Take It Or Leave It, a format similar to Deal Or No Deal on Britain's Channel 4."

Is there a part for Jason Gunn?

Stuff.co.nz: NZ may lose Barrymore back to Britain

BTW: I have mentioned (in unflattering terms) both Barrymore & Gunn on several occasions. Not a single person has ever googled in to SunnyO looking for either of them.

Hot tip for those with Sky

This month - possibly starting tonight, possibly on Rialto, Sky TV is screening a very cool film called Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter & Spring.

You should see it.

SunnyO: Cool Movie Alert! Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter... and Spring.

Seagal sings the blues

Heh... ever wondered what it'd be like to attend a Steven Seagal concert? Our man in Seattle, the OutlawVern wondered, went along, and shook the man's hand....

Then fuck you, jack: The Life and Art of vern - Steven Seagal sings the blues

Sacked

Silent Running » Blog Archive » Now thats priceless.

For some reason that reminds me of the Charlie Brown series where he wore a paper bag on his head...

H/T Silent Running

Voila! A 2 car garage.

I used to own a bambina. It spent more time derelict than on the road. Luckily, I had a good friend who owned several, the main one of which had penguins painted on the doors & it would be seen parked in all sorts of odd places around town, & he helped me get it running.

I ended up selling it to him to add to his collection.

I only bought it because I had designs on the sister of the guy selling it (lucked out. Well mostly anyway).

Anyway, saw this in the neighbourhood yesterday. We can only speculate how they managed it. A couple of jacks? A lot of mates?

Anyway, well done fellas!

nicky watson The Picture - What's this about?

In the last 2 days, 30 out of 40 people coming by SunnyO from Google searches were looking for "nicky watson, the picture feb 2006" and various permutations.

What have I missed?

nicky watson The Picture feb 2006 - Google Search

UPDATE

Glenn, in a comment to this post, tells me Ms Watson has recently graced Picture magazine's cover, with a frontal topless shot.

But wait, there's more. Save the trouble of looking up a dodgy soft porn mag on the web - go straight to the source - Nicky's model agency.

Scroll down for pictures of Nicky Watson. Topless.

Hello Google.

Ponder also, that: "Nicky Is Available By Special Appointment..."

you wish.

Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Cell.

Stuff.co.nz: Enron CEOs found guilty

Although it doesn't sound like the prison term will be all that long.

Here is today's weather report

Busy, so very quickly....

Been looking round MySpace...

Can anyone tell me what it is for? Other than some multimedia type chat/hookup thing for Auckland models? (Actually, that may say more about where I looked - and to mitigate, I surfed in on a link provided by Russell Brown in the Listener, to Nicky Watson's page). Apparently.

I registered, and in the space of a day have been invited to join three dating/make-out groups. I haven't even set up a profile yet!

And on another topic, I think that every & any blogger or commenter who uses the term "Ad hominem" in any way shape or fashion from now on, should send me a dollar. You know who you are, you pompous, unimaginative, cliche-ridden fucks. Nothing personal, you understand.

Paraparaumu eh?

Stuff.co.nz: Elderly rider oblivious to street fight in his wake

Scarf labelled "gay" by man dressed as lead singer of the Village People.

It does look gay though.

STUFF - Man's scarf 'bit too gay' for police

H/T DPF

Continuing a theme...

"Llew - don't know where to find a man with a funny handshake but I did sit some Extra Mural exams at the Lodge Hall in New Plymouth and that was a bit spooky - photos of all those strangely dressed old codgers looking down from above ! It seems that the anti christ is going to make an appearance on 6/6/06 which is my nephew’s birthday and he will be 6 years old but his name is not Damian." – Chooky

Chooky’s comment in my Holy Grail post below reminds me. I never did tell you who the Antichrist is, did I?

Well y’know, I was all set to, exhaustive googling research suggested the AC was likely to be one of three men:

Joe Ratzinger
George W Bush
David Hasselhoff

I was leaning towards Bush at the time, because I kind of half remembered some stuff I heard at primary school. To the effect that the Nostradamus had written one of his quatrains saying the antichrist would be “the son of a king” and some other stuff about the son becoming king. Or something...

Anyway, back then, school wisdom had it that they must be talking about John-John. That is, JFK Jr. And that the apocalypse would start in the Middle East, shortly after John-John became president of the USA.

Then John-John died in a tragic accident. And who’d have guessed that another son of a former president would emerge to take the er… throne.

But I no longer subscribe to this theory because I don’t think Nostradamus wrote any such quatrain. And if he did, it could mean pretty much anything, or nothing. Like the one about the fiery meteor that came to nothing. And if Nostradamus really knew his shit, he’d have told us where the Holy Grail was.

So… I’m actually writing this to assure Chooky that her nephew Damian isn’t the antichrist, because information did come to hand last year which pretty much confirmed to me who the antichrist really is. I was set to publish it.

And then out of the blue, this albino monk knocked on the door… and made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And it’s sweet, Ratzy (what we affectionately call him in the firm) put me on the payroll.

But don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not Joe. Ratzy’s just an associate, entrusted with keeping these things under wraps. Think about it, if the Vatican were to reveal and defeat the antichrist, that’d pretty much be the end of it. Aside from keeping the Holy Grail under wraps, and a few other things. No, the antichrist’s agent’s lawyer had called Ratzy & asked him to have the Rules explained to me.

Bottom line is, I cannot divulge the name.

However, The Arcane Rules of Antiquarian Mystery ™ do allow for me to give three, cryptic clues. In fact it is insisted upon, so that the mystery can deepen, and grow. I do not know exactly why this is, but rather than just keep quiet about it, the Rules say that teasers are mandatory. They will appear in the next generation’s version of the Da Vinci Code type thing.

So… I ramble. Here are the clues to what I believe is the identity of the antichrist.:

In arcadia harpo est ergo sum
Tom Cruise
Ellen deGeneres

Just don’t blame me if some weird looking albino knocks on your door.

Oh, and quick update

Handshakes are becoming redundant meaning that it's going to be a lot more difficult for members of secret societies, or members of societies with secrets, as the freemasons like to put it, to recognise each other.

In the future it will be done by slipping the secret word (or mason's word, as the freemasons like to put it) into everyday conversation.

I have it on good authority that one such secret word is "shibboleth". So try it, "It's a bit shibboleth out there eh?"

Now you are forewarned & forearmed. Your bank manager is a good prospect to try it on.

Further update - I did quiz Keith Ng as to what masons & the like would have to do to recognise each other - he helpfully pointed out that they'd use Bluetooth like everyone else.

Shit you need to know about.

Inspired by my current search for the Holy Grail, I got talking to this guy on Magpie Lawn last night. He’s a lawyer. So he must know his stuff right?

I’ve also just been reading the Wikipedia entry on Umberto Eco’s Foucault’s Pendulum. Which has been described as the thinking man’s da Vinci Code. I read it years ago, and it is dense. Basically, the protagonists work for a publishing house that handles works such as The Holy Blood & the Holy Grail, and its ilk. The publishers take elements from all the nutty conspiracy books they have published, and for a laugh, enter them all into a computer program which mixes them up, adds a few items, and comes out with The Grand Conspiracy theory.

And it is tosh, and they have done this to amuse themselves. But then it appears they have inadvertently struck conspiracy gold & one of them is ritually murdered by the ancient secret society that they thought they’d created for a laugh…

Anyway, on the lawn, I wondered aloud whether the upcoming Code movie would be any good. Opining that since the basis of the story is utter twaddle, the best we can hope for is a solid thriller.

But my lawyer friend was better informed than that! It’s not twaddle at all in fact. Luckily, the Templars weren’t mentioned (except I did check whether he could put me in contact with one). And I was told a lot of arcane stuff that is going on in this world that we know nothing about, stuff that the mainstream media don’t report because… well who knows why actually, maybe because it’s rubbish. But I didn’t mention that. And I can’t remember the details because it sounded like Foucault’s Pendulums made up mish-mash. And I’m not a very attentive listener. So guys, no need to sic the albino monk on me OK?

Meanwhile, google hits through the roof as the world searches for Knights Templar. Wonder what happens if I mention Opus Dei?

Anyhow. Other things learned last night, which possibly you will hear here first. Not (so far as I’m aware) related to the Holy Grail or anything. Just important things which will be happening in the world soon. SOON! Apparently. And which the mainstream media will refuse to report. For some reason. And my mind has probably garbled them beyond recognition. It‘s mostly oil related.

1. Venezuela has recently been found to hold the largest oil reserves in the world. Supplanting Saudi Arabia.
2. Hugo Chavez will soon become the head of OPEC
3. Venezuela will want payment in Euros
4. Iran has struck a deal with China & Russia & will supply all their oil, and they want payment in Euros too

So what does all this mean? Buggered if I know actually, except that Saudi presumably loses a lot of its strategic value to the US. The US dollar falls through the floor & the Euro becomes the world standard.

As Jack Palance once asked… Truth? Or Bullshit?

meanwhile... since we're on secret societies & conspiracies... what's with that cycling group that Parliamentary messenger attended with the Telecom guy? I'm hearing strange rumours about them!

I'm having trouble finding the Knights Templar in the phone book...

You may remember that last April, as the world awaited a new pope, I took it upon myself to unmask the Antichrist. It was just a little public service, I figured.

Anyway, we’re so over him now, and onto our next crisis of someone else’s faith in the leadup to the release of the Da Vinci Code:

The whereabouts of the Holy Grail

Is the grail some old cup? Or some old person? Or, as Michael Baigent, Dan Brown and God knows who else reckons, a family bloodline? (Oops, my bad, in case that spoiled the Da Vinci Code for anyone (it was the Vatican Messenger whodunnit).

At this stage of the proceedings, I have no clue as to where the Grail rests. If there is any justice, it’ll be, as Neil Gaiman wrote in one of his short stories, sitting in a 2nd hand shop waiting for some old dear to take a fancy to it. Keep your eyes on Antiques Roadshow! “Ooh – I have the greatest pleasure in telling you that your family heirloom toby jug, is THE Holy Grail!, should fetch a few quid at auction.”

But I digress. I lack the time to visit the Rennes le Chateau & start digging. So I’m going to need some inside knowledge. A few clues…

I need to speak to a Knight Templar (that’s their patron saint Simon in the picture).

I know, I know, you want the world to think you were all massacred around a thousand years ago, but rest assured, come forward & keep all your personal details confidential, we have privacy laws after all. All I need is some verifiable proof that the Holy Grail exists, its location, and one publicity shoot of me with the Grail in various humorous poses.

So put the word around – if you, or any of your relatives are freemasons especially, have them mention this to their Grand Master Poobahs, or whatever they’re called, if anyone’s going to know a Templar, it’ll be them. Or indeed it may be them!

Comes with complimentary cholesterol test

Over at the Wellingtonista, we're trying to find the region's best bacon sarnie. Your contributions would be welcome.

But a comment there reminded me that I really have to tell you folk about two fantastic sandwiches which (I'll check at lunchtime) are still to be had.

One is the "Breakfast sandwich" from one of those gourmet sandwich places in one of those streets running beside Kirks, from Lambton Quay to Featherston street.

It loses points because it is prewrapped, but it consists of: bacon, black pudding, egg & baked beans. It really is quite something.

The other, and by far the best, is the Rib Eye Steak Burger from a place called Sizzlers in the BNZ centre. This place is pretty much a greasy spoon sort of affair, steak & chips, bacon & eggs, burgers & chips, chips, chops, eggs, wedges, bacon & sausages. And a small selection of paninis.

The Rib Eye Burger is the jewel in their crown. The steak itself is about 2 inches thick & 4 inches in diameter, it's between two burger buns, and includes lettuce, tomato, mayo, tomato sauce, and a whole lot more.

Uncorroborated rumour has it that should you upgrade & ask for it to include a fried egg, bacon & cheese, they will give you a complimentary cholesterol test & a handy, easy to interpret chart telling you roughly how long you have left to live.

I highly recommend it!

the wellingtonista: The Bacon Sarnie Experience

Heh heh...

A medal you say?

peterquixote: IIew's photo

It's a beautiful day

Coincidentally, happens to be playing on the radio...

Help us find Wellington's BEST Bacon Sarnie!

the wellingtonista: The Bacon Sarnie Experience

It's a mission.

Woof! The balls on my billiard table have frozen…

Actually, that’s not true, I don’t have a billiard table.

But our office water cooler froze over the weekend. Impressive!

Meanwhile, I need a new hat. I have no idea what happened to last year’s hat, daresay it will turn up shortly after I have located & paid for a new one.

Hats are a dodgy purchase for me… gales of laughter usually accompany the first try on in front of the troops. Imagine a Mr Potatohead in a beanie perhaps.

But anyway, the hat is needed when the mercury drops to the 11 mark. I find my usual outdoor (evening dog walk) ensemble, supplied by well known fashion houses versatile enough to see me through most weather:

Caterpillar boots - bought in Shelly’s of London more than 10 years ago & still going strong
Kathmandu Apocalypse pants – will see you comfortably through The Big One, or several Small Ones
Rodd & Gunn heavy duty rugby jersey
Kathmandu Force 10 jacket – this is the warmest jacket I have ever owned!
Line 7 gore-tex raincoat
Line 7 multi pocketed vest - for all those accessories… doggy bags, doggy treats, torch, carabina, cellphone, 50m river rope, cross country skis, sleeping bag… you gotta be prepared for any eventuation…
Thorlo socks and Macpherson Men’s underwear (no way am I ever appearing on the web in playboy Y-fronts!)

I can usually be found out & about in any combination of the above. But my ears have been a bit pink the last few evenings… and a good hat is hard to find.

Anyway, some recent viewing at Chez Llew

Closer – Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Clive Owen & Jude Law being shits to each other in London. No really, that’s about it. Decide for yourself whether Law is typecast as himself. The acting is top notch, even Roberts. Only Portman survives the running length with any vestige of audience sympathy intact. And actually, pay attention throughout to what she says her name is. It’ll have you wondering at the end.

In Good Company – Dennis Quaid & Topher Grace being shits to each other. Scarlett Johanson in solid support.

The Island – Obi Wan Kenobi & Scarlett on the lam. Tosh, but solid popcorn fare. Send in the lycra clad Clones….

Sideways – this one is really good. The gifted Paul Giamatti & his best mate Thomas Haden Church go on a road trip looking for good wine & even better women in sunny California. Also has Sandra Oh & Victoria Tennant. It is very funny.

Million Dollar Baby - Oh man! This is sad. Clint Eastwood is surely the greatest living American auteur. But let's have a happy one next eh Clint? But maybe not with orangutangs or anything. Hilary Swank is quite something though.

A word of Warne-ing

No matter how famous you are, no matter if you're the best in your field, in the world...

If you're invited to someone's flat to shag two, reasonably notorious tabloid slappers, chances are they're on the payroll of the News of the World or someone similar, and you, your family, all your friends & enemies are going to be giggling over their cornies when the morning edition arrives.

So don't, for christ's sake, wear your Playboy logo undies. Don't even wear them when you're not expecting a 3-way. Your mum really won't be impressed.

News of The World ::: Slideshow*

*May be disturbing for young or nervous viewers.

And didn't the DomPost call it a plush luxury flat? The bed folds out from the wall!

peterquixote: magic mushroom

peterquixote: magic mushroom

Ahah! That explains all the extra foot traffic through the Bot Gardens....

Three's plenty eh? I bet Shane Warne would agree with that.

While we're on things quixotic. Do check this out. It's lovely.

And further... you'll know it's really over when...

Jason Gunn & Michael Barrymore appear in their own televised two man variety series, singing & dancing up a storm (show tunes & standards), mugging for the camera, upstaging their guests, and bickering over which is the "straight" man of the partnership.

On that note...

In which we email a mate, and pass comment on television these days.

Mate, last night I thought it must be all over. The end appeared to be nigh...

Not just Telecom, but the entire stock exchange, national pride, the economy, in short, civilisation as we know it.

we were watching this stuff on TV, never heard of it before, but a bunch of has beens & never weres (and one impossibly hot ex-Miss Universe, for which we can forgive at least some of what went on - particularly later in the series, when, in time honoured dancing with the has-beens tradition, she should surely prance around in her smalls...) appeared to be attending dancing lessons.

Then, this odd person that Graham Reid reliably tells me is a transvestite called Candy Lane (apparently, TVNZ baulked at Penny's fee) announced

"If there's anything I love watching more than people dancing... it's a man who can sing"

and into centre stage bounded Jason Thingee.

We were going to head for the high ground, certain of the impending apocalypse, then realised we were there already, so we battened down the hatches, drank a shitload of wine, and hoped like hell Lorraine would get her gear off before we went to meet our makers....

Other thoughts

- Beatrice is this year's Norm
- Christine Rankin is this year's Bernice - she will be first to go. And someone should stop Jason lifting up her skirt to show us her legs. With a hammer if necessary.
- Steve Gurney is a twat.
- I know it is a forlorn hope, but a law should be passed to keep Jason off our screens. Or at the very least, to prevent him from singing.

Van Dyk asked for $1.45million

Netball is a prominent topic of discussion around Chez Llew... I live with 2 experts...

and so it was with some interest that we noted today's news item on Irene Van Dyk's counter offer to the Mahoney Corporation's pitch for the star to move back to the Wellington Shakers.

Stuff.co.nz: Costly van Dyk stunned sponsor

The headline on the front page screams: "$1.45m, What Van Dyk wanted to play in Wellington"

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to play in Wellington at all. And who could blame her? In fact, the article actually states:

"that she was not interested in playing for the Shakers and would finish her career with the Waikato-Bay of Plenty Magic"

But I have some sympathy for Mike Mahoney:

"Mahoney said he had gone public with the attempt to secure van Dyk because he was upset at suggestions the Shakers were doing nothing to attract players."

And while I don't blame him for being upset, I do actually disagree strongly with suggestions like this - Shakers look to be dogmeat again - that "The problem of underachieving lies in successive years of poor enticement and recruitment of star players to the franchise by the Shakers board and sponsors."

Bullshit.

In my opinion, the problem lies in successive years of poor selection & talent development.

I've seen the Shakers that will be in 10 years time, and they'll be dogmeat then too, while the real talent gives up in frustration & moves on to other sports. And interestingly, I'm paraphrasing someone who probably knows...

If we have to rely on attracting stars from other regions, then we don't deserve a representative netball team.

The problem lies squarely with the coaches, and selectors. Take off your blinkers, guys & gals. First class sport is about who performs best, learn to recognise those who do.

Always with the questions....

Why is it, that as we beaver through life earning just enough money to keep the family fed, clothed, and equipped with iPods, we're said to be:

"making a living",

yet, when we're earning far more money than we arguably need for those purposes, we're said to be:

"making a killing"?

Where is Max Cryer when we need him?

Another thing that irritates me about newspapers...

When any artwork appears in the news, it'd be nice to see a picture of it.

Stuff.co.nz: Van Gogh sells for $US40m

Morning & evening. In that order....

Not necessarily the same day.

SunnyO - as heard on the radio

I was busy doing the accounts while I listened to this, and I'm not sure, but I think they were discussing the imminent threat to the newspaper industry posed by blogs. In particular this blog.

It's true! Maybe.

Big, big hat tip to David Slack for pimping my blog on National Radio.

And yes! David's right, I wanna be on TV! I hope Mr Ralston was listening... I want your job!

(BTW: Bill, I was the guy in Whitianga last February, who complimented you on your hat. And actually, I probably don't need the stress, but will do pretty much anything else for money. So Simon's job then?)

And... UPDATE!

I know who should sit next to me in that shiny new set....

the wellingtonista: Nicest City in the World

We might be 12th in the Mercer HR quality of life table...

but should you happen to google 'nicest city in the world'... we are tops!! The Tower of Pisa! The Mona Lisa! Etc.

the wellingtonista: Nicest City in the World

And now for some bull...

What would you do?

You’re standing in a crowded town square.

A few yards away from you, unrestrained, is a very large, and belligerent bull.

You have a red handkerchief at hand.

You know that if you wave the red handkerchief at the large & belligerent bull, it will go berserk & injure (or kill) possibly you, and any number of bystanders.

But why shouldn’t you wave that handkerchief? It’s a free country right? What's wrong with a little hanky waving anyway?

Further, the bull really wants you to wave that handkerchief, so that it has an excuse to go ballistic. And worse, it’s waving a red handkerchief at you.

Now, there’s nothing in your makeup that makes you offended by the sight of a red handkerchief. And there’s no reason, other than to annoy the bull for you to wave yours. But it’s the principle, right? You should be able to do it without adverse consequences.

The mayor thinks you shouldn’t wave the hanky, he’s worried about casualties & damage. But there is no law to stop you.

Certain fellow citizens believe it is morally reprehensible for you not to wave the hanky – it’s not your fault if the bull goes mad, anyone can wave a red handkerchief if they want to.

So what would you do?

Advisors tell you that should you wave the hanky, you can probably shoot the bull dead before it does too much damage. Or even just forget the hanky business & shoot the beast now.

Problem is, the town square is surrounded by paddocks with other belligerent bulls, who are watching.

What’s the right thing to do, do you think, wave the handkerchief and enrage the bull (which is asking for it), or walk on & keep the peace?

It's your handkerchief, your choice.

Who is Gilbert Gottfried?

I reckon I could take him though.

Stuff.co.nz: Peter Jackson on unsexy list at no. 53, Gilbert Gottfried 1st

Actually, Jackson's pretty hot wife might disagree.

Godwin's Law - You learn something everyday

Don't mention The War!!

Heard of this for the first time last week. had no idea what it meant & was too busy antagonising some guy (really should shake that habit, but y'know, sometimes...) & then racing off for a few days R & R.

And then I came across it again today.

And I'm quite sure that it is mere coincidence that I came across both instances on the same site...

But basically, it is: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one" (from Wikipedia, should you click through there).

Isn't it just beautiful? I'm quite sure (maybe, and maybe some dickhead will take the opportunity to come & tell me with some authority that it is not so) that mention of the Cold War counts too.

Godwin's Law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

What's missing from this report?

This is one of those irritating practises that gets me pretty much everytime a newspaper reports on an interesting new website or internet service.

Have a look...

The Dominion Post: Web monitors traffic jams

Yes, do you see the URL published in here? That'd be useful, no?

Bathside reading....

That's a euphemism innit? Reading in the dunny.

Many, many years ago, I did a Big Chill weekend. That is, about 4 families (pre kids, so technically, about 4 couples) descended on some friends in Sumner (Christchurch), who had bought a rambling old house on a corner section about a block from the beach. This house, I kid you not, had about 20 rooms. There were rooms within rooms (almost) and doors leading to more rooms.

We drank a lot, and the Giesen's winemaker, Marcel Giesen, gave us a tour of the winery (we drank the latest vintages from the barrels, using long pipettes) & then brought 2 cases of wine to dinner, which we attempted to consume during & after, before going to bed. In fact, most of us got hammered & sloped discreetly off sometime in the wee hours pretty much leaving Marcel to it in one of the rooms somewhere deep in the labyrinth. Chances are he's still there. He had enough wine to keep him going for years.

This place had several bathrooms too, and each "bathroom" was equipped with a book, suitable for reading while otherwise occupied.

Notes were compared & it was generally agreed that the best "bathroom" reading book on offer was the one furnished with a collection of Bob Jones' newspaper columns. These columns were the perfect length for your average visit. That particular bathroom was much favoured...

I've had "bathrooms", in the past, stocked with magazines in a rack. Latterly though, my suggestions for dealing with surplus bookshelves - and I use "surplus" guardedly, because bookshelves are never surplus, in fact, we need bookshelves badly in our current house, we just have nowhere to put them, and so we have several languishing in the basement, even though we have a spare room just bursting with unshelved books we're reluctant to toss - have been spurned. Apparently it is not a good look to have a wall to wall, floor to ceiling bookshelves within easy reach of the er..."bath".

"How about internet access?" I've also asked, but in the end, it'd have to be pretty hands free, don't you agree? I draw the line at TV.

So it is with... um... some relief, that I note that the practise of reading is going into the (water) closet. About time.

Stuff.co.nz: Smallest room becomes the reading room

Feijoas & a big black dog .

Feijoa & loathing in Otaki...

We planted 7 or 8 feijoa trees in late 2002, I think. Last year, one of them produced 3 medium size fruit...

This year, in fact just a few weeks ago, we were pleased to notice that these trees, the largest of which is maybe 5 feet high, the smallest maybe 18 inches... were laden with young fruit.

On Good Friday, we picked 3 supermarket bags of windfalls, which the Dompost was kind enough to tell us on Saturday, is when they're best.

Even better than that though, on Monday, just before we came home, we picked another 4 bags worth of windfalls & the largest ones hanging on the tree. They are fantastic. And huge. I suspect that we'll be picking many more before the season is over.

Meanwhile in another paddock, last year's bumper crop of 4 olives... looks to be a record, I could only see one olive growing on the 8 or so trees... we're seriously considering replacing them with feijoas.

Or not, we also have 20 or so self seeded peach trees to reposition (from under their momma). These are some of the nicest peaches I have tasted, they are a good & free score.

Meanwhile, onto the black dog - here's a gem from the SunnyO archives. Purely because I think it's worth it.

SunnyO: A big black dog moment.

The Lambshank Redemption

You know how it is, you neglect the blog for a few weeks, aside from the laziest of posts, and then you look one day & realised you've used all your creativity (such as it is) in the comments of someone else's blog.

The NZBC guys are probably getting sick of me, and sick of this thread, which concerns reworking famous film, book, song etc titles so that they involve some sort of kiwi food. (think the mainland cheese ad with those two old guys - Chubby Cheddar, etc).

But I still get the giggles when I think of the Lambshank Redemption (which came in via that guy who gets around more than me, but never seems able to make up his mind... Anonymous).

So we're here to hijack that thread so that when the Mainland cheese guys are next looking for inspiration, they come here.

have at it.

NZBC - The Silence of the Lamingtons

Superb.

Wednesday, Apr 12: Palmerston North beats Baghdad - Tom Scott

The OutlawVern in Wikipedia

Excellent!

Vern (film critic) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Cryptic message #1

Heh... it wasn't me

And I have no idea (really).

Congratulations to all the Netguide winners last night.

BASTARDS!

Not that I'm bitter. But I was convinced I was a shoo-in for Best Parenting site.

Well done Public Address, and the runners up, Kiwiblog & Idolblog.

Next year though, next year... or as they used to say "One day Roger Phipps! One Dayyyy!"

Meanwhile, I have removed the Netguide banner that was over to the right of the screen, luckily without completely munting my blog.

Some scenes from March

I say some, because this is just a preview. Last night was my designated “upload all the photos” night. Because last night was Virtual Tennis evening, when women-folk & children desert the homestead to er… drink & gossip I think. And so that’s the night Wilma & I have an extended walk through the gardens, then an extended loaf around at home in between cooking something manly like steak & eating it with onions between two slices of bread, watching another episode of Firefly & possibly attending to sadly neglected pastimes like blogging.

Usually.

But last night, before steak, before Firefly & during photo upload, Mrs Llew returned from a business trip to THAT city in the north & announced she was too tired for Virtual Tennis (the “Virtual” indicates that no-one so much as goes near racquets or balls).

And no way was she eating steak.

And get off the computer. (Actually, that last bit was just implied).

And no fecking way was she watching any crappy western in space.

So here’s as far as I got. More to come.

But to keep you on your toes, this episode of Scenes from March was brought to you by ITC Entertainment.



Der rinky dink (ydinky dinky dinky dink)



Der rinky dinky dink (ydinky rinky dinky dink)



Der rinky dink (ydinky rinky dinky dink)



Der rinky dinky dinky dink (ydinky rinky dinky dink)



Der rinky dinky dinky dink dah dah



Der rinky dinky dah



Der rinky dinky dink




Der rinky dinky dinky dink dah dah

Der rinky dinky dink

Der rinky dinky dink!

Der rinky dink (ydinky dinky dinky dink)

Etc

Interestingly…. This theme wasn’t used until series 2, but it is the one that everyone remembers (well some of us anyway).

young naked girls humiliated and caned outdoors videos - Yahoo! Search Results

I'm so proud! I came in at No. 4 in this Yahoo search.

young naked girls humiliated and caned outdoors videos - Yahoo! Search Results

This, rather appropriately came in from Youngstown, Ohio.

Hello Youngstown.

The Mod Squad

Oh... and by the way... Scenes from February were brought to you by The Mod Squad.

Scenes from March, will be posted soon...

The Mod Squad TV Show Unofficial Home Page w/ Theme, Pictures & Episode Guide

Firefly

Thoroughly enjoying it - have now seen the pilot, and half of the 2nd episode.

It's fascinating to see the story arc progress to the outright carnage that is Serenity.

Pleased to see also, that Mal's shooting of the assassin mid "monologue" was not the first time, the pilot has a similar scene that is just priceless.

Missed by the diarists

Last week, two noted bloggers were looking for someplace nice in Wellington to enjoy a yarn & a coffee. One noted blogger pointed to a café in Woodward Street, outside of which, sat our esteemed Foreign Minister & a friend, enjoying a smoke & a coffee.

“Let’s try here” said the noted blogger, “maybe we can start a brawl with Winston.” The other noted blogger agreed, but expressed disappointment that it wasn’t Russell Crowe.

“The wages of starjacking are much higher with Russ. Plus, we’d get to hang out with a movie star, however briefly.”

The two settled in, had their coffee & nattered inconsequentially about crimes perpetrated on the English language, mutual friends, and sundry wankers of their acquaintance. They also copped a quick look at the famous Miss Ten, who was completely unaware that two noted, yet pretty anonymous fellow bloggers were checking her out.

Afterwards, they sat back & watched our esteemed Foreign Minister, as he and his friend crossed the street to gaze at a (very) pinstriped, yet single breasted suit in a well known & quite expensive menswear shop window.

Turning, the esteemed Foreign Minister noticed the two noted bloggers regarding him with interest. He gave a broad smile, and a warm laugh. One noted blogger remarked,

“It would suit you”

The esteemed Foreign Minister laughed heartily, then looked wistfully back at the suit for a moment, and with a smile, his parting shot was,

“I couldn’t afford it”.

And laughing loud & long again, he made his graceful departure.

To chip? Or not to chip? My 2c.

I personally like the idea of micro-chipping my dog & cats. I’m presuming that next time one of them goes missing, the SPCA will scan the chip & give me a friendly call to say they have my little Tiddles & could I go get him. Although theoretically, they can do that right now by looking up the number on the collar tag (for dogs anyway). In practise, I'm not sure they do.

What I don’t agree with is making micro-chipping compulsory on the grounds that it will stop dogs attacking humans. Um… exactly how will it do that?

A microchip is just like a plastic collar tag except that it cannot be seen, and it cannot taken out (very easily or humanely anyway) and put into another dog.

A micro-chip does not allow animal control officers to track the movements of dogs (as one journalist I read recently seemed to think). If a stray is found, it will have to be taken someplace that has a micro chip reader (vets, & SPCA typically have them these days), to see if it has a chip & if so who is the registered owner.

Because a micro-chip is invisible to the casual observer, dogs will still need a plastic collar tag as well. Otherwise how are animal control officers to even suspect a dog is unregistered?

The extra cost of chipping is not likely to encourage the owners of unregistered dogs to register & chip them. Quite the opposite.

Working dogs (of which farm dogs are a subset) currently command a lower registration fee than pets (so the notion of “one law for all dogs” has always been bullshit). Quite rightly too, so far as I know the fee is even tax deductible. If the chipping of working dogs is also to be mandatory, and I have no real problem with that, except I would expect there would also be a reduced fee. But when it comes down to it, I have a suspicion that the cost of these chips isn’t that different from the cost of a piece of moulded, engraved, coloured plastic, and so why shouldn’t the cost be absorbed as much as possible into already bloated dog registration fees?

But finally, I’ll go back to the question that is at the crux of the issue, and I’d love someone to answer it:

How will micro-chipping dogs reduce the incidences of dogs attacking humans?

Here’s a very good article (from, gasp! Investigate!) on the whole dangerous dogs thing.

And... UPDATE!

Because I've been over here ranting & even agreeing with most folk... here's what I think would be more effective than micro-chips.

1. Enforce the current dog laws - I have little confidence that the proposed laws will be enforced, because there is very little evidence that the current ones are.

2. Register the owner, not the dog. Shift the focus onto the owner. Treat dogs like guns.

Micro-chipping is a red herring. Although... I will be getting my dog micro-chipped. And all future cats.

I don't do theme parties...

When I was a teenager, at a party, I had this rule:

When someone started playing Ten Guitars... I would go home. No exceptions, even if it looked like I might finally score with a school hottie... 10 Guitars meant it was time to go. Fortunately, such was the frequency of my scoring success with the school hotties... I never had to face this dilemma. But if I had, I'd have been strong! Maybe.

I have other arbitrary rules though. Notably, I don't do theme parties. Well, not since the 1980s, when I went all out & attended a fancy dress party as a banana. It was a triumph! I retired on a high.

And I can't imagine why anyone would want to inflict the stress of a theme party upon their guests. For god's sake, if I wanted to dress up like... a pimp or a prostitute, have no doubt, I would indulge that odd desire.

There is one exception to this, I would attend a Zorro party in suitable attire. In fact, I think I've mentioned this before, but I've always thought that a Zorro party would be a real wheeze... one where everyone has to come as Zorro. And drink tequila.

Mrs Llew kind of agrees, except she thinks everyone should attend any theme party, no matter what the theme... as ABBA.

So anyway, the point of this is that a close family member has decreed that his 40th birthday party this weekend will have an 80s theme. I have no idea why, since obviously he was born in the 60s...

Should I conform, I have decided that my persona may well be The Thin White Duke David Bowie. Unless a really big suit lands in my lap, in which case I'll be David Byrne.

Or maybe I'll go as Zorro anyway.

But any good ideas? What would YOU go as to an 80s party?

Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi & the Traffic Cop

This is astonishing!

Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's Friendly Greeting

Hat tip to David Farrar

Today's mystery photo...

No prize... I have little idea what it is either. Except that it did come off my camera, and is conceivably, a picture of the lining of my pocket.

While no-one is looking....

... I can raid the pear tree....



Click for a larger image...

If Monet had a dog

Er... must do something about the shaking....

A babe in distress...

A babe, underwear and er... a really big phallic symbol (I'd be giving it away if I were more specific). How can you go wrong?

The Skreeching Skraeling: A babe in distress...what to do?

Hat tip to Silent Running

I'm with Frank! Daylight saving all year round.

Opinion: views on the news on Stuff.co.nz: At the end of the day, everyone wins with daylight saving

Was going to y'know, actually write something about it, but Frank Haden has done the hard yards for me. And also, I'd never have known that daylight saving reduces crime & energy consumption! It's true!

There may also be four girls for every guy, but I haven't finished the article yet to be sure.

Oh, WTF, I'm going to say it...

I always assumed he was gay.

New Zealand's source for entertainment news, gossip & music, movie & book reviews on Stuff.co.nz: What the Kiwi gossip mags say

Geek Credentials Intact

After watching Serenity last week & thoroughly enjoying it, I re-established my geek credibility (is that oxymoronic? Anyway, I say re-established because for some years I WAS… well I hesitate to say I was a Trekkie, but I was a regular viewer of Star Trek the Next Generation – it may have been the Counsellor responsible actually, she could “feel” things. Particularly in crowded lifts. And then later… uh… I think I’ve abandoned grammar & punctuation at this stage of the post… I was an even more avid watcher of Babylon 5, which was cool. Very cool. And very cleverly plotted – the guy must have had several walls of flow charts to keep up with all the loose ends that he actually did, eventually tie up. Say, are there some brackets to close somewhere?…)

So uh… I re-established my geek credentials by giving into temptation & buying the Firefly box set. God knows when I’ll get to watch it. But I am looking forward to it.

In other random DVD musings, I also bought myself Rififi, a superior heist movie made in France in the 50s. Rumour has it that it influenced Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs.

And in other merely random musings… We have tickets to the Stones!! Yay. Never seen them before, and let’s face it, in the 1970s & 80s when I might have had the chance, who’d have thought that they’d still be touring now? Actually, M is the biggest fan in our house. We wake up to the Stones (and INXS, Queen, & AC/DC) blasting from the teen room. We spend our evenings listening to her play Paint it Black on the guitar...

Calling all sponsors! Hellooooo!!!

Last weekend, amongst other things, we looked after my two young nephews, aged 6 & 8. They're pretty good. Although I challenged the 6 year old by, instead of saying "You can have a toasted sandwich", allowing him to choose his own lunch from the menu. Bacon & eggs on toast, which proved a challenge in the knife & fork dept. Big ups to the little guy though, he was determined to manage all by himself. And nearly did.

Amusement aside, that's why we have a dog & chose a lunch venue with an outdoors area... she cleaned up the overflow thanks very much.

It was a mad flap of a weekend though, netball trials for M on Saturday morning, pick up the boys, back into town for M & T, then out to SunnyO for a walk along the beach & an evening watching Wallace & Gromit.

The next morning was brutal. Brutal. We were up at 6.30am getting M ready for her first ever triathlon at Raumati. There was some faffing around to be done, so the boys & I dropped the girls off, then raced off to do that faffing. Got a text an hour later from T (who was the diligent support person) to say the M had come first in the swim section. Heh... this was a bit of a surprise as she'd only had two ocean swims in the way of practise. Apparently she emerged from the sea looked around & almost panicked when she saw no one near her & then it dawned... "Feck! I must be winning!"

By the time the boys & I got back, it was onto the last leg, the run. T had been watching carefully which girls from M's age group (13-19, and please bear in mind that she is 13...) had finished... and somewhat skeptically said "I think there have only been a couple so far...."

And then M was racing in & the crowd roared! And people were noting that that was the girl who won the swim section.

And so we waitied around for the prize giving, to see if we could find out if she came high up the rankings. And also in case we could score a spot prize.

Well... no prize, but to our astonishment she had come 3rd. On her first try. And the girls who came 2nd & 1st were not younger than 17, and seasoned tri-athletes (we've looked them up on the web).

And M was then quite the girl of the moment, with people coming to ask her name & offer advice like "You need to work on your transition" (shucking the wetsuits for biking paraphernalia & bike), to which she answered "I know, I know, but that was my first one, I'll be faster next time." we wait now with bated breath for the sponsorship deals to come through.

Show me the money! Or the sports car even.

Serenity

Been a while since I mentioned any movies. Possibly because we haven't seen much worth mentioning.

Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Don't Panic! It won't matter if you miss it. In fact, we didn't bother watching to the end.

There was something else too.... um...

Be Cool - y'know, the sequel to Get Shorty. Let me say this again... Don't PANIC! it won't matter if you miss it. In fact, if you've seen Get Shorty, you've seen most of it already, since the makers seemed determined to retread every situation, joke, and character again. With one exception...

Every now & then a movie throws up a genuine surprise, that 3rd billed actor who might be well known, but who turns in a scene stealing performance that seems hilariously at odds with their usual image. And so, I give you, in the guise of a gay stuntman & standin, wannabe star with only one risible facial expression... The Rock!

Yes, the best thing about Be Cool (and that includes the disappointing dance scene with Travolta & Thurman) is the Scorpion King. Almost worth watching just for him.

But all that's unimportant. Yesterday I was quite sick & took the day off (fine now more or less thanks), and after enduring for most of the day, the nagging of a needy visiting tradesman... I finally got rid of him & settled back on the couch in front of Serenity, fully expecting to fall asleep a few minutes in.

I can't be bothered (and neither do I have the time) to find links for this post), but I have never seen a single episode (nor the original movie) of Buffy the Vampire Slayer - but I know grown men & women who swear by it. And in its absence, they worship at the altar of a TV show called Firefly written & produced by the same guy as Buffy, Joss Whedon.

Bear with me... Firefly is a western in space, imagine the universe that Han Solo & Chewbacca inhabited before they met Luke & Leia.

Anyhow, Firefly was cancelled after one season.

But lo! As happens, such was the demand, that Joss Whedon cobbled together money & support to make a movie in the wake of Firefly. That movie is named for the ramshackle spaceship, Serenity.

Phew, we got there.

So, Serenity, I had been told that if I hadn't seen the preceding series, that I would find it hard to follow, but that wasn't the case. Maybe enough fanboys & girls had explained the back story to me.

Serenity is an action packed, funny, thoughtful piece of work. To call the protaganists antiheroes, is probably understating - when we meet them, they're planning a bank heist (of sorts), and there's a priceless moment when the captain is quietly listening to a sinister assassin (as they say in the Incredibles) "monologuing", when the assassin comes to the part:

"I'm not here to threaten you, I came unarmed..."

"Good" says the captain, drawing his gun & shooting him. (He's wearing armour though & survives to do some threatening later).

I can't remember the names of any of the characters, except that the captain is called Mal, and the psychic waif they're protecting (who turns out to be somewhat more than meets the eye) is called River.

River can kick butt BTW. Seriously.

Anyway, I daresay we'll never see its like again. Hardly Citizen Kane in space, but it is well worth a look.

Yay! The census is upon us!

I'm always torn... hide out in the bush or row to the 12 mile limit & miss the whole thing, or diligently fill in the forms with nonsense to make my mark on this year's census.

Religion: Bacchanalian Reveller? None of this Jedi shit.

Ethnicity is the big one this year, a whole lot of people want to be recorded as New Zealanders... personally, I think Pakeha would be preferable to that, NZer is just a nationality, but the word pakeha does to me, evoke pretty much the same thing as NZ Euro.

In the interests of collecting useful information for the Dept of Statistics, I think we owe it to our nation to put something sensible & relatively accurate down. If we all put New Zealander, we might as well not ask about ethnicity at all. Then I think, we can get on to arguing about other questions, like gender.

There is a little nagging suspicion in (not just) my mind, that the people advocating New Zealander don't think that say 2nd, 3rd, or 4th generation Chinese say, are eligible. But maybe I'm wrong.

Technically, for me, ethnicity would be European (and don't anyone give me "but the UK isn't part of Europe!" shit.) Although I'll make a nod towards my adopted nationality & tick NZ European. Close enough.

Now, I hope no-one's jumped the gun & filled in their forms already! The whole point is to make this an accurate snapshot of tonight. What happens (as someone, perhaps at the end of the link below even, has mentioned) fills in the form & then dies before tonight? The whole census will be out by 1! You don't want to be responsible for that sort of fiasco do you?

Not that the census is necessarily that accurate anyway, go browse the last one at the Stats website, there are all sorts of anomalies, which can probably be put down to people not knowing which end their arse is at.

For instance, do you think everyone knows whether they own or rent their home? Who their landlord is? Get this, there are some 64,000 households residing in State Houses at present. The figure in the census, when it is published, will tell us that there are only about 55,000 or so. No-one knows why this is. There are bound to be other similar discrepancies.

And remember, when they come to pick up your completed forms, even if you live down a long winding zig zag path, at the end of a cul de sac, that no-one ever comes down, they will. So make sure you're wearing trousers & not smoking say, anything illegal when they can't find the front door & come around the back & surprise you. Not that that has happened to me of course.

Opinion: views on the news on Stuff.co.nz: Imagine a home where the Jedi can roam...

Reader assistance required.

2 things.

1. I need to get a guy pretty much 3 storeys up to the roof of my house to perform some maintenance on the chimney. There are some challenges:

The roof tiles are so brittle, that the solution must not actually touch the roof.

The chimney is some distance from the road (maybe 15 metres or so?)

$1000 and upwards for scaffolding for what is probably a 30 minute job when he's there seems outrageous.

Anyone got a novel soulution to suggest? I am looking into cherry pickers, but it'll have to be a big one.

and...

2. Anyone know where to get a GREAT bacon sarnie in the Wellywood CBD?

Scenes from February

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February is a Quinn Martin production.



I will courier a Big Mac (TM)

Anywhere in the world

To the first person who can name the TV theme tune that I have transcribed above.

And who starred in it.

And where they are now.

pink growlers netball team

Due to a staggering series of word related coincidences... I am no. 1 in the google search for:

pink growlers netball team

Way to go me!

And way to go my new reader from Stockport, England!

pink growlers netball team - Google Search

Just for Peter

Who thinks that this is the same photo just slightly enhanced each time I post it.

it's true.

Don't expect me to make a habit of this...

I mean, posting birthing stories. But this one made me laugh, and it's quite sweet.

A tribute to being prepared, even if it's all in vain.

"As I took a corner at speed on my way down the narrow, twisting hall to the bathroom, I carefully articulated a set of instructions loud enough for the boys to hear. Which is to say, I gabbled desperately: "Don't worry about the tub it's too late I'll be in the bathroom if you need me plug in the heating pad for the baby's clothes aaaaaaaaaaargh oh my god here we go again I think this might be it!""

"A small, perfect, bluish-purple baby somersaulted down into my hands and I laid him down on the bathmat, pausing only a second to wonder who had cleverly put all the dark towels into the birth room and left only the white ones in the bathroom. Oh, that's right, me."

"...the birth tub sat forlornly in the corner with about an inch of water in it for the next couple of days, until we siphoned it out the window."

Public Address | Busytown | Oops, I did it again

Lovely start to the day (yesterday)

I'm on morning walkies at the moment, expect a few like this...

Bend over & take it like a student!

Graham Reid over at Public Address has written a nice piece covering what you probably could & possibly would remember from events in your life. Or what most people could & would remember anyway.

I remember when I was caned at school. I think this was the only time it happened, because by & large, I was well behaved. I can't remember the name of the teacher who did it, but I can remember what subject he taught, and the circumstances that led up to it. And man, what a miscarriage of justice it was.

But Pontllanfraith Technical Grammar School, Gwent, South Wales, 1972. Metalwork class. The school was a redbrick institution & the teachers were given to swooping around the corridors in their academic gowns. I can't remember the name of the principal, but I do recall his DP was known as Jet (probably a Mr Jones, there were a few).

The metalwork teacher was a severe looking black haired guy with glasses. Generally he was OK. The class was full of light industrial machinery & tools, drills, lathes, that sort of thing. At the beginning of the year, the teacher made a big point of telling us that when we were using any of the mechanised tools, we must give the job all out attention. All of our attention. He would not be brooking any power tool mishaps in his class.

And so, whenever I was using a lathe (clumsily) or a drill (inaccurately), you could be sure that I was so focussed on the job at hand, that not only was there little chance of an accident, but I was also unaware of anything else happening around me.

One day, late in the year, I was drilling holes in an aluminium coat hook (as you do), when completely out of the blue, and unusually, as we were halfway through the lesson, the teacher began calling the roll. I was oblivious. Until... it slowly dawned on me that the class had gone dead quiet, except for my drill, and when I looked around I realised everyone was looking at me.

The teacher made some sarcastic remark. I figured out what was going on, apologised, but thought to myself "Hang on, I was doing what he told us." And then, with a wry smile to my classmates, I went back to drilling holes & concentrating on safe operation of a drill.

Something unexpected then happened. Unbeknownst to me, the teacher began calling the roll again. From the beginning. And sure enough, a minute or two later I became aware that the class had gone quiet again. I heard one guy, Geraint Lewis (for some reason I remember him) giggling. I looked up to see everyone's eyes on me again. I stopped the drill.

The teacher marched down the class, then marched with me back to the front. He then administered a punishment, not technically a cane, but I think, a steel yard rule.

And it wasn't the pain ... it probably didn't hurt that much anyway. It was the injustice. He caned me for following his instructions to the letter.

Bastard. I'll bet he doesn't remember it.

Public Address | Random Play | If your memory serves you well